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Thread ID: 81088	2007-07-15 20:44:00	Monday Laughs: Loosely connected with Conrad Black......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
569325	2007-07-15 20:44:00	An updated version of an oldie but goodie that's been around before. Gets better with time. SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away... TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them, invest the proceeds in Cows Inc and retire on the dividend income. SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why your cow has dropped dead. ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by your majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow and use the proceeds to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release. The public then buys your bull. THE ANDERSEN ACCOUNTING MODEL You have two cows. You shred them. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. Nobody is permitted to see the cows. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsmen who reported the real situation. You then sell artificial milk substitutes manufactured from nuclear waste and recycled machine oil to boost productivity figures to the 100-cow equivalent so that you meet government targets and avoid execution. AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN IRISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. You wonder why they only have one teat, a very small udder and only give clotted cream. You make Irish coffee then have a Guiness chaser, or two, or three......... When you come back your cows have been kneecapped. AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.... AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. AN ISLAND CORPORATION You have two cows. Your Uncle's wife's cousin's brother's father-in-law's daughter gets married. You attend the wedding. Lunch looks vaguely familiar. When you get home you can't find your pigs either. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
569326	2007-07-15 21:52:00	A little tribute to a man who made a difference: BOB HOPE May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003 ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill . " ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing . " ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake . " ON TURNING 100 "I don't feel old . In fact I don't feel anything until noon . Then it's time for my nap . " ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring . . . the referee kept stepping on them . " ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure . " ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover' . " ON GOLF "Golf is my profession . Show business is just to pay the green fees . " ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six . " ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations . You have an eight-pound ham . '" ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it . " ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed . When it got cold, mother threw on another brother . " ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance . Waiting for the bathroom . " ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me . " ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions . I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality . " :D	smithie 38 (6684)
569327	2007-07-15 23:20:00	NOT related to Conrad Black.... A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway [must be Auckland!!]. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks: "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Helen Clarke and Sue Bradford. They're asking for a $3 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection." The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?" "About a litre each."	johcar (6283)
569328	2007-07-15 23:41:00	NOT related to Conrad Black.... A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway [must be Auckland!!]. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks: "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Helen Clarke and Sue Bradford. They're asking for a $3 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection." The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?" "About a litre each." :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:	wratterus (105)
569329	2007-07-16 07:07:00	A BRITISH CORPORATION AN IRISH CORPORATION AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION AN AMERICAN CORPORATION A FRENCH CORPORATION A GERMAN CORPORATION AN ITALIAN CORPORATION A SWISS CORPORATION etc.... You have no cows, but are part of a Free Trade agreement. A CHINESE CORPORATION You take over the cows and milking operations of all the above. You have 1.5billion people milking them. You have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You then sell milk to everyone else.	pctek (84)
569330	2007-07-16 07:38:00	:lol: at the American Corporation	rob_on_guitar (4196)
569331	2007-07-16 09:06:00	WHAT ARE THE THREE MOST USELESS THINGS ON A YACHT. AN UMBRELLA A WHEELBARROW A NAVAL OFFICER Sail Royal Air Force	KenESmith (6287)
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