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Thread ID: 81277	2007-07-22 21:41:00	Monday Laughs: Marital Bliss.......Six of the Best	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
571584	2007-07-22 21:41:00	The Wedding Dress A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding . "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?" The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil . " The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice? "Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate . Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride . You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding night that he had a heart attack and died as we were checking into our hotel . My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that marriage annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again . " "What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk . "Don't ask!" said the woman . "That one was a Democrat and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened . " ********************************** Salulah Erection This is supposedly a true story which occurred recently in a Telecom Call Centre . The Operator received a call from a somewhat irate and very worried Pacific Islander who it seems needed some urgent marriage guidance . The call went like this: Telecom: How may we help you? Customer: I haff a big problem with my phone bill . My wife, she think I haffing an affair! Telecom: Okay Sir, and how can we help you with this? Customer: My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I haffing an affair with this woman, but I never heard of her before . I need to trace these calls please . Telecom: Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually tell you the name of the person you're calling, just their number . Customer: This one does . Telecom: What phone do you have, Sir? Customer: A mobile . I tell you this . Telecom: No, Sir, what make? What do you have in your hands? Customer: An erection . After a moment's silence, the gallant Telecom worker continued . Telecom: Um, sir? Could you spell that for me? Customer: For sure - E . . R . . I . . C . . S . . S . . O . . N . Erection . Another moment's silence from Telecom, and suddenly the penny dropped . Telecom: Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me? Customer: For sure . C . . E . . L . . L . . U . . L . . A . . . R . Salulah . The end of the conversation was unfortunately not reported . ********************************** A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side . His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful . " Then he fell asleep again . His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side . A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he, said "You're cute . " The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute . " She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off . " ********************************** A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner . The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "if I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless woman replied . "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked . "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said, "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive . " "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked . "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman, "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money . Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight . The homeless Woman was astounded, "won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting . " The woman replied, "that's okay . It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine!!" ********************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house . She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags . I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said . "Just get the hell out of here . " ********************************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband . Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
571585	2007-07-22 22:10:00	Subject: FW: Are you Normal? The Bathtub Test It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started . During a visit to the mental hospital, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be admitted . "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub . " "Oh, I understand," said the visitor . "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup . " "No . " said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug . Would you like a bed near the window?" DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?	Arnie (6624)
571586	2007-07-22 23:50:00	A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. "Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients." "Yes, sir!" answers Garge. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Garge, How was your day?" Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo, mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Garge. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jesus Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes." :D	smithie 38 (6684)
571587	2007-07-23 06:12:00	[Nothing to do with marriage] The other day I met a good friend of mine who is a genetic engineer . He was happy to tell me about his job . His latest project is the splicing of DNA from different species of birds . First he combined the DNA from a pheasant and a hen . It worked! He called it a "Phen" . Next he successfully combined a pheasant and a goose . He called it a "Phoose" . Yesterday, he explained, he finally was able to mix a pheasant and a duck . He called it . . . "Charlie" .	johcar (6283)
571588	2007-07-23 19:37:00	A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ole grill for one little weenie??????"	Myth (110)
571589	2007-07-23 22:02:00	A PMS Guide: Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other. DANGEROUS: "What's for dinner?" SAFER: "Can I help you with dinner?" SAFEST: "Where would you like to go for dinner?" DANGEROUS: "Are you really going to wear that?" SAFER: "Gee, you look good in brown." SAFEST: "Wow! Look at you!" DANGEROUS: "What are you so worked up about?" SAFER: "Could we be overreacting?" SAFEST: "Here's fifty dollars." DANGEROUS: "Should you be eating that?" SAFER: "You know, there are a lot of apples left." SAFEST: "Can I get you a glass of wine with that?" DANGEROUS: "What did you DO all day?" SAFER: "I hope you didn't overdo today." SAFEST: "I've always loved you in that robe."	wratterus (105)
571590	2007-07-23 23:29:00	Why are men sexual atheletes? We always come first:p	rob_on_guitar (4196)
571591	2007-07-24 03:24:00	A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping, unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think, I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old bum?" She replied, "Your name never came up."	Cicero (40)
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