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Thread ID: 81741	2007-08-05 22:21:00	Monday Laughs: Life's a risque business at times.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
576931	2007-08-05 22:21:00	An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino, went to the local church for confession . When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father . . . During World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Gestapo . So I hid her in my attic . " The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did! You have no need to confess that . " "But it's worse than that, Father . She started to repay me with sexual favours . " The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger . However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way . But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven . " "Thank you, Father . That's a great load off my mind . But I do have one more question . " "And what is that?" asked the priest . "Should I tell her the war is over? *************************** A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming . He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before . Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologised . "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store . The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky . "I don't remember her," he thought but . . . . . . . . . . . . . MAYBE . . . . during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?" "No", she said with a horrified look on her face . "I'm your son's second grade teacher!" *************************** Two guys are drinking in a bar and one is really drowning himself . His mate asks him what's wrong and the guy says well, lemme tell you! I latched on to an older woman at a club last night . She was definitely on the wrong side of 50 but well preserved . We drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome? I said no . We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night . I went back to her place . She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum . . . you still awake?" *************************** Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob . So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north . After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard . So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night . "I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained . "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house . " "Don't worry," Jack said . "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn . And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light . " The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night . Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way . They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing . But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney . It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend . He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do . " said Bob "Did you, ahh, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out . "I have to admit that I did . " "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beetroot red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did . "Why do you ask?" "Well, she just died and left me everything . " (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
576932	2007-08-06 05:34:00	You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead . *** At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am . I married the wrong man . " *** A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" . Next day she received a hundred letters . They all said the same thing: "You can have mine . " *** When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him . *** A woman is incomplete until she is married . Then she is finished . *** A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying . " *** Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son . " *** Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late . " *** Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence . *** If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep . *** Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all . *** First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive . " *** Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex . *** Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children . A blind man joins them after a few minutes . When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus . So the husband and the blind man decide to walk . After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy . " The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up . :D	smithie 38 (6684)
576933	2007-08-06 05:39:00	Friend to another friend: "Look at the new sportscar I got for my wife"; "Wow! I wonder what they'll give me for mine?"	SurferJoe46 (51)
576934	2007-08-06 05:44:00	"If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.:D Rofl. Nice one.:lol:	wratterus (105)
576935	2007-08-06 06:38:00	Leaving Work Early... Three girls all work in the same office, with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the three girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or come back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The Brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The Redhead was excited to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before meeting a dinner date. The Blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got home she went up to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady Boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, on their coffee break, the Brunette and Redhead planned to leave early again, they asked the Blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the Blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"	Cicero (40)
576936	2007-08-06 08:51:00	Divorcee remarrying - the triumph of optimism over experience . Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge . The balance had been $0 . 00, now is somewhere around $60 . 00 . A family member placed a call to ANZ: Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January . " ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply . " Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections . " ANZ: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been . " Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" ANZ: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!" Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" ANZ: "Excuse me?" Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . . the part about her being dead?" ANZ: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor . " Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January . " ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply . " Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" ANZ: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?" Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew . " (Lawyer info given) ANZ: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" Family Member: "Sure . " (fax number is given) After they get the fax: ANZ: "Our system just isn't set up for death . I don't know what more I can do to help . " Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her . I don't think she will care . " ANZ: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply . " Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?" ANZ: "That might help . " Family Member: "Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 69 . " ANZ: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"	KenESmith (6287)
576937	2007-08-07 06:42:00	A man enters a bar in Wellington and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "About 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league, Holden racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Nicky Watson and women's tits in general. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Err, 50, I think." - - - And the robot says ... really slowly .. - - - - "So...............ya gonna vote for Helen again? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PS Aussies could substitute John Howard!! Americans - George Bush	kenj (9738)
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