Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 81977	2007-08-12 22:39:00	Monday Laughs: Time to take on religion again.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
579975	2007-08-12 22:39:00	A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of their congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinised the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" "I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord...he's Pentecostal! (Don't worry, Surfer Joe will explain this one.) ********************************* A nun went to her Mother Superior and confessed; "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive! It looked like it was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway. The ball then fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards. "Is that when you swore?" asked Mother Superior. "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, Mother. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior. "Oh no, Mother. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed and said: "You missed the f@#$%@* putt, didn't you?" ********************************* HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?" The Lord said, "They are rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "You shall not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested." So God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments." The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour your Father and Mother." "Father? We don't know who our fathers are." Then God went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said, "You shall not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested." So God went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "You shall not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested." Finally, God went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments?" they said, "How much are they?" "They're free." "We'll take 10." There, that lot ought to offend just about everybody! Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
579976	2007-08-12 22:46:00	Love the Ten Commandments. :lol:	intel hunter (6666)
579977	2007-08-12 22:48:00	I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens." (Woody Allen / born in 1935 / Without Feathers, 1976) "I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me." (Woody Allen / born in 1935 / Annie Hall, 1977) "To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." (Woody Allen / born in 1935 / Stardust Memories, 1980) "I don't believe in afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear." (Woody Allen / born in 1935 / Getting Even) "Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends." (Woody Allen / born in 1935 / New Yorker, 'My Philosophy') "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." (Woody Allen / born in 1935) "How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?" (Woody Allen / born in 1935) "If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank." (Woody Allen / born in 1935) The Devil's Dictionary of Ambrose Gwinett Bierce (1842-1914) "If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses." (Lenny Bruce, American satirist / 1925-1966) "I do not believe in God because I do not believe in Mother Goose." (Clarence Darrow / 1857-1938) "Calling Atheism a religion is like calling bald a hair color." (Don Hirschberg) "Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat." (Sir Julian Huxley / 1887-1975) "We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart." (Henry Louis Mencken / 1880-1956 / Minority Report / 1956) "I'ma born-again atheist." (Gore Vidal / born 1925) "I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability." (Oscar Wilde / 1854-1900) "God has spared the naked man from washing his clothes with soap." (Arabian Proverb) "If a dog's prayers were answered, bones would rain from the skies." (German Proverb) "Most people like short prayers and long sausages." (German Proverb)	Cicero (40)
579978	2007-08-12 23:56:00	Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them. 1). When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 2). I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3). I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence. 4). Leviticus 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 5). I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? 6). A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is a abomination of Leviticus 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? 7). Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? 8). Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How should they die? 9). I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 10). My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14). B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines, in addition to his wife or wives. (II Samuel 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chronicles 11:21) C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deuteronomy 22:13-21) F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe. (Genesis 38:6-10; Deuteronomy 25:5-10)	pctek (84)
579979	2007-08-13 01:21:00	Three nuns are killed in a tragic traffic accident and go to heaven. Saint Peter stands waiting for them at the gate. He explains to the nuns that he must ask each a question so that they may prove their worthiness before entering. Approaching the first one, St. Peter asks, "Who was the first man on earth?" Without hesitation, the nun replies, "Oh, that is easy. That was Adam." Angels started singing, the pearly gates swung open and she was allowed to enter. Moving to the second one, St. Pete asks, "Who was the first woman on earth?" Also, without hesitation, she replies, "Oh, that was Eve." Angels started singing, the pearly gates swung open and she, too, was allowed to enter. St. Peter approaches the third and asks, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" The nun begins to frantically think, talking to herself she says, "Damn, that's a hard one." The angels started singing, the pearly gates swung open and in she goes. :D	smithie 38 (6684)
579980	2007-08-13 02:21:00	Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law . I have learned a great deal and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can . When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination . End of debate . I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them . 1) . When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev . 1: 9) . The problem is my neighbours . They claim the odour is not pleasing to them . Should I smite them? 2) . I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7 . In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3) . I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness (Lev . 15:19-2 4) . The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence . 4) . Leviticus 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations . A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not to Canadians . Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 5) . I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath . Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death . Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? 6) . A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is a abomination of Leviticus 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality . I don't agree . Can you settle this? 7) . Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight . I have to admit that I wear reading glasses . Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? 8) . Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27 . How should they die? 9) . I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 10) . My uncle has a farm . He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend) . He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot . Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev . 24:10-1 6) . Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev . 20:1 4) . B . Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines, in addition to his wife or wives . (II Samuel 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chronicles 11:21) C . A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin . If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed . (Deuteronomy 22:13-21) F . If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow . If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe . (Genesis 38:6-10; Deuteronomy 25:5-10) And to think there are silly buggers who take that book literally .	Cicero (40)
579981	2007-08-13 10:41:00	Ok, so not religion but these were the jokes of the day at school. 1. Why did the boy fall off his bicycle? Because he has no arms. Why did the boy fall off his bicycle? Because he has no legs. Why did the boy fall off his bicycle? Because someone threw a fridge at him... :illogical 2. Why did Billy fall off his bicycle? Because Billy is a fish! Sorry, they are childish, but we were rolling around with laughter at them... :rolleyes:	Dannz (1668)
579982	2007-08-13 11:45:00	Lost in translation #2: What do Asians do when they have erections? They vote.	bob_doe_nz (92)
579983	2007-08-13 12:25:00	What did Adam say to Eve? "Stand back Eve!!!!! I don't know how big this gets".	zqwerty (97)
579984	2007-08-13 21:41:00	Lost in translation #2: What do Asians do when they have erections? They vote. hahah brilliant :D also: An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller "why get less money than got last week?" The teller says "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said: " Fluc you Amelicans too!"	MAC_H8ER (5897)
1 2