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Thread ID: 82420	2007-08-26 20:30:00	Monday Laughs: Supermarket humour.......and oddments	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
584924	2007-08-26 20:30:00	A very hard-faced, large, loud, and extraordinarily unattractive woman goes into a New World supermarket with her two kids in tow . She screams obscenities at them all the way through the shop until she finally finishes her shopping and reaches the checkout . The checkout lady says, "Good morning M'am, nice children you've got there . Are they twins?" The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they f&*$#@! aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is six . Why the hell would you think they're twins? . . . . . Do you really think they look alike, you f*&#wit?" "Absolutely not," replies the checkout operator, "I just couldn't believe anyone would shag you twice!" ********************************* An elderly Florida lady did her supermarket shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle . She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat . They got out and ran like mad . The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat . She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition . She tried and tried,and then she realized why . . . it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat . A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down . She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake . The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing . He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun . No charges were filed . Moral of the story . If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable . ********************************* Q - What weighs two and a half tonnes, has forty two teeth, twenty-two arms, twenty-two legs and wears skin tight blue jeans? A - The cotton-candy line at the Maine State Fair on half-price day . ********************************* Following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term . This year's term: Political Correctness . "Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
584925	2007-08-26 21:38:00	The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted :D	smithie 38 (6684)
584926	2007-08-26 23:56:00	One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell . As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil . . . Satan: "Why so glum?" Biker: "What do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan: "Hell's not so bad . We actually have a lot of fun down here . You a drinking man?" Biker: "Sure, I love to drink . " Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then . On Mondays, that's all we do is drink . Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca . We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway . " Biker : "Gee that sounds great!" Satan: "You a smoker?" Biker : "You better believe it" Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out . If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?" Biker : "Wow . . . that's awesome!" Satan: "I bet you like to gamble . " Biker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do . " Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want . Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever . If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow . " Biker : "Cool!" Satan: "What about Drugs?" Biker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean . . . ?" Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day . Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack . Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine . You can do all the drugs you want . You're dead so who cares . " Biker : "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" Satan: "You gay?" Biker : "No . . . " Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough . . . "	Winston001 (3612)
584927	2007-08-28 05:35:00	:p Fairy Tale: One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag, and *****........ But this was a long time ago..... And it was just ONE day. The End :D :p :p	johcar (6283)
584928	2007-08-28 10:43:00	Flowers or a donation to a charity?	R2x1 (4628)
584929	2007-08-28 10:49:00	Flowers or a donation to a charity?:lol: :lol: SWMBO doesn't read this Forum (lucky for me!), so I'm safe - to some extent... :D	johcar (6283)
584930	2007-08-28 23:23:00	:lol: :lol: SWMBO doesn't read this Forum (lucky for me!), so I'm safe - to some extent... :D Just because she hasn't read it so far doesn't mean permanent safety...	Laura (43)
584931	2007-08-29 01:42:00	:p Fairy Tale: One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag, and *****........ But this was a long time ago..... And it was just ONE day. The End :D :p :p Printed, and pinned to wall for secretary to discover at her own leisure.	Metla (12)
584932	2007-08-29 01:50:00	:p Fairy Tale: One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag, and *****........ But this was a long time ago..... And it was just ONE day. The End :D :p :p Qualifies as the funniest thing I've read in years.	allblack (6574)
584933	2007-08-29 01:52:00	:p Fairy Tale: One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag, and *****........ But this was a long time ago..... And it was just ONE day. The End :D :p :p :thumbs: And it is a Fairy Tale, but we do live in hope.	sam m (517)
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