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Thread ID: 82827	2007-09-09 20:36:00	Monday Laughs: Irish special.......Six of the best	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
589639	2007-09-09 20:36:00	[1] Arthritis A drunken man smelling of beer and cheap booze sat down on in a Belfast bus stop next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of regular bathing." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had the arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it at all Father, I was just reading here that the Pope does." ************************************** [2] Irish Predicament Drunk old O'Shaughnessy staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but O'Shaughnessy just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. O'Shaughnessy mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either." ************************************** [3] Irish Last Request Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night." The Priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The Priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" "He said: Please Mary, put down that gun!" ************************************** [4] Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." ************************************* [5] Shamus was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Shamus still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Shamus went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?" ************************************** [6] Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?" ************************************ [7] O'Reilly went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" O'Reilly said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." O'Reilly left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't actually put any money in the poor box!" O'Reilly replied "Yes, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!" Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
589640	2007-09-09 21:00:00	Timothy was standin' on a corner in Belfast waiting a trolley during a particularly windy and blustery cold Winter's day, swaying in the wind next to a little Catholic nun, apparently there for the same purpose . As she swooned, almost falling to the sidewalk, Timothy grabs the lady and asks her if she would like shelter from the cold . He spies a pub and says: "Would the dear sister mind being carried into a pub for 'er health?" "No", she says, " . . but please take me to the back booth where I won't cause a commotion if someone should see a nun sitting in a pub" . As he places her in the booth, he asks her: " . . and would the sister appreciate some Irish whiskey to warm 'er innards a little"? "Bless you Sir, why yes . . . . " says the nun, adding: " . . but would ye mind kindly having the barkeep put my drink into a paper cup so it wouldn't cause a commotion should someone see a nun sitting in a pub drinking whiskey"? Timothy goes to the barkeep and asks for a double of his finest Irish whiskey and would he mind putting a second double in a paper cup . The barkeep slowly looks up and asks: "Is that little nun in here again?"	SurferJoe46 (51)
589641	2007-09-09 21:03:00	An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off . He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!" She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again . " He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party . " She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again . " He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up . Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out . " He says, "Vy?" They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago . But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here . " He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials . "Hello? Get me Operator 28 . Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?" She says, "Yes?" He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!" :D	smithie 38 (6684)
589642	2007-09-09 21:52:00	A good way to start the week :)	R2x1 (4628)
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