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Thread ID: 83029	2007-09-16 20:12:00	Monday Laughs: Today's special: Surplus Lists.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
591759	2007-09-16 20:12:00	List the first: Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Septic Tank Cleaner's Truck: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels" At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in." On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." At a Tyre Retailer : "Invite us to your next blowout." At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want your tows." On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." On a Fence: "Salesmen welcomed! Dog food is expensive." At a Car Dealer: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." And the sign at a Radiator Specialist: "Best place in town to take a leak" ****************************** List the second: RISQUÉ RIDDLES Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can rinse her crack and sell it again. Q. What are mixed feelings? A. Your emotions when you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it! Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q. What is the difference between " ooooooh"and " aaaaaaah"? A. About three inches. Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow. Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A. They don't have balls to scratch! Don't groan, you know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody. ****************************** List the third: The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 meant that many older European cars will now be of German origin. To this end, the following list of German motoring phrases may be helpful for kiwis buying used cars to do their grand tour of Europe while on their OE: 1) Die BlinkenLeiten und Tickentocken = Turn Signals 2) Das Pulzeknoben und Knukleskrapen = Bonnet release 3) Der Spitzenundpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust 4) Das Futzenpedallen mit Schlippenshakenundsmoken = Clutch 5) Der Phlattenflappen mit scheizenfukenhelzacurtzen = Puncture 6) Der Twattenschneillen mit Elplatzzen = Learner driver 7) Das Frauleintrappen und grossenshagginplatz = VW Kombi 8) Der Flippenflappenscheizenschmeerer = Windshield wipers 9) Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seat belt 10) Das Buch fur Arsenwipen = Highway Code 11) Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights 12) Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist 13) Der Fuchengratentrucken mit slowzemdownen = Truck 14) Der Bananawaltzen = Skid 15) Das Forgettenzekeepnzerichtrulzen und Fuchenearschitzenselfen = Near head-on accident Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
591760	2007-09-16 20:30:00	A high-priced call girl brings a customer to her fancy apartment. He admires the fancy furnishings and the art and asks how she was able to amass such splendor. She replies that those really were her father's, that he was a politician for forty years. He said, "How come you didn't follow in his footsteps instead of choosing this way of life ?" She sighed and said, "Oh, just lucky I guess. Besides, I had my moral standards to uphold.	Marnie (4574)
591761	2007-09-17 00:54:00	Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food . No other humans had been seen for days . . . and then they saw an old Jewish Rabbi, sitting beneath a tree . The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food . Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?" "Vell, I tink so, " the old man said, "But I vouldn't go up dat hill, und down de udder side . Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree . " "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader . "Yah, ah bacon tree . Vould I lie? . . . Trust me, I vouldn't go dere . The leader goes back and tells his people what the Rabbi said . "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked . "Oh, you know those Jewish people -- they don't eat bacon . " So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side . Suddenly, Indians are attacking from everywhere and they massacre all except the leader who manages to escape back to the old Jewish man . The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree . Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me . " The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "Oy . . . . . vait a minute . " He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through . "Oy Gevalt, I made myself such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree . " "It vuz a ham bush!" :D	smithie 38 (6684)
591762	2007-09-17 01:32:00	List the first: On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip . Call your plumber . " On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts . " Where's the one for Computer Techs? :p I saw this for real on a van, I think they were electricains: Don't get stuck with a cowboy - call the Indians . It was driven by 2 Indian guys, that is Asian type Indians . . . . . I liked it .	pctek (84)
591763	2007-09-17 01:49:00	I know that Abbotts Drain Unblockers here in Aucks used to have the slogan... "Our business is in the s***" You can still find a truck or two that still has that slogan on it.	bob_doe_nz (92)
591764	2007-09-17 02:45:00	When in London many years ago I saw a scaffolding firm's van with signwriting stating proudly: "London's Erection Experts".	johcar (6283)
591765	2007-09-17 03:18:00	I know that Abbotts Drain Unblockers here in Aucks used to have the slogan... "Our business is in the s***" You can still find a truck or two that still has that slogan on it. I've seen that one also	Agent_24 (57)
591766	2007-09-17 03:46:00	I like that ham bush one :D	mejobloggs (264)
591767	2007-09-17 21:29:00	When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all labouring under a misconception. The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Radiologists could see right through it! The physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some ***hole in administration.	Marnie (4574)
591768	2007-09-17 22:10:00	When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all labouring under a misconception. The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Radiologists could see right through it! The physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some ***hole in administration. Brilliant Marnie ! Regards Digby	Digby (677)
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