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Thread ID: 144189	2017-08-07 01:49:00	MONDAY LAUGHS ... August 7	WalOne (4202)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1438042	2017-08-07 01:49:00	Welcome to the second edition of Monday Laughs ... thanks for the messages of support and I hope everybody continues to launch into the new week with smiles on their dials ... Here we go ... :clap -----ooooo----- A senior, white haired man from Remuera, entered a very upmarket Auckland jewellery store last Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger, woman on his arm. He told the jeweller he was looking for a really special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $10,000 ring. The Remuera man said, “No, no, that’s a mere bauble … I'd like to see something much more special.” Hearing that, the jeweller went to his special display case and brought out another ring for inspection. “Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000” he said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Our Remuera hero on seeing this said, “Yes. I think we'll take it”. The jeweller asked how payment would be made and our man replied “By cheque. But I know you’ll need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now, you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and we'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon”. On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man exclaiming “There's no money in that account”. “I know”, said the old man wearily … “but let me tell you all about my fantastic weekend!” The moral of the story? ... Not all seniors are senile old pricks :banana -----ooooo----- A newbie was on Takapuna beach and feeling down because all the girls were ignoring him. He asked his mate if there was anything he could do to get some attention. His mate thought for a minute, then says "umm, take a couple of spuds and put them in your swimming trunks." The next day on the beach the newbie goes up to his mate and complains, "hey, I did what you said but all the girls are avoiding me like the plague." “Oh, s***,” thought his mate and says, “next time try putting the spuds down the front of your trunks, not the back!" :groan: -----ooooo----- ;) Thanks to fossils, archaeologists have been able to determine that there once a genetic mutation millions of years ago, causing the creation of a five-legged dinosaur. As far as we know, this is the first evidence we have ever seen of a reptile dysfunction. -----ooooo----- :eek: Sweater is a pretty disgusting name for a piece of clothing. -----ooooo----- :groan: North Korea recently changed their volume measurement system. The liter is now only to be called the dear liter. -----ooooo----- A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. :lol: -----ooooo----- Precision driving Click HERE (www.youtube.com) -----ooooo----- Three doctors are talking about death. And headstones :devil The first, a dentist, says, “When I die, I think I’d like my headstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.” “Hey,” adds the cardiologist, “that’s not a bad idea, I’d love my headstone to be shaped as a heart…” The gynaecologist is silent for a bit, then says, “I think a scattering of the ashes is my option.” :lol: I'd like this one: 8197 -----ooooo----- Nerd's corner :nerd: The latest from Microsoft ... Holoportation Click HERE (www.youtube.com) -----ooooo----- Cheers everyone. Have a great week ... :banana :):)	WalOne (4202)
1438043	2017-08-07 02:11:00	Good for a Mondays smiles again. :thumbs: Joking aside relating to the Microsoft holoportation. Anyone who watches Star Trek -Voyager, (1995) -- The Dr is a hologram, funny how movies made years ago, the Science Fiction tech at the time is now becoming real. ipads / Tablets for example.	wainuitech (129)
1438044	2017-08-07 02:14:00	Maggie, a blonde Auckland city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?' That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently. Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ...... 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.' ************************************************** ************* A woman walks into a drugstore. Theres a lot of people in the store, and she goes to stand in line. After a while, its her turn at the counter. She asks, Hi, do you sell extra large condoms? The cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by, and the pharmacist notices that the woman is still standing in aisle 11, looking at the condoms. He decides to go see if she needs any help. He says, Did you find the extra large condoms? She responds, Yes, now Im just waiting for someone to buy some.	smithie 38 (6684)
1438045	2017-08-07 10:15:00	A man walks into the election office and says to the receptionist: “I want to put my name forward for the coming election.” Receptionist: “Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.” As he fills in the form, he comes to the question: ‘‘Are you circumcised?” He turns to the receptionist, and points to the question: “Is this one necessary?” Receptionist: “Circumcised men are ineligible, sir”. “Why is that,” he asks? Receptionist: “To be a genuine politician, you must be a complete prick.”	tutaenui (1724)
1438046	2017-08-08 05:30:00	According to linguistic authorities, there are only 11 times in history where the use of the"F"word has been considered publicly acceptable . They are as follows: 11 . "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"Capt . E . J . Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 10 . "What the @#$% was that?"Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9 . "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"George Custer, 1877 8 . "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that . "Albert Einstein, 1938 7 . "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"Picasso, 1926 6 . "How the @#$% did you work that out?"Pythagoras, 126 BC 5 . "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"Michelangelo, 1566 4 . "Where the @#$% are we?"Amelia Earhart, 1937 3 . "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"Noah, 4314 BC 2 . "Aw c'mon Monica . Who the @#$% is going to find out?" Bill Clinton, 1998 1 . "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President" Hillary Clinton 2016	Marnie (4574)
1438047	2017-08-08 09:59:00	Oh my goodness Marnie... those quotes seriously made me laugh! Thanks! :clap	Greg (193)
1438048	2017-08-09 03:35:00	SMART ARSE ANSWER 6 It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no," she replied. SMART ARSE ANSWER 5 A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?" The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead." SMART ARSE ANSWER 4 The policeman got out of his car and the Teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window "I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said. The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ARSE ANSWER 3 A truckie was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it .. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?" The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!" SMART ARSE ANSWER 2 A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand." SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR Telephone rings, woman answers. Pervert, breathing heavily, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies, "Yes, I have.. He's watching the rugby .... Who shall I say is calling?"	Lurking (218)
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