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Thread ID: 144212	2017-08-14 04:39:00	MONDAY LAUGHS ... August 14	WalOne (4202)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1438257	2017-08-14 04:39:00	It's me again, with some laughs for the week commencing August 14 :clap xxxxx00000xxxxx As I get older I’ve learnt to promote what is good about myself. All the bad stuff, the bigotry, intolerance and prejudice, swept under carpet. Not too far, I’ll need you in my 60s. xxxxx00000xxxxx In the three years after the first Fifty Shades of Grey book came out, the Fire Brigade had to release 79 people from locked handcuffs and one man who got his penis stuck in a toaster … turned on by a bit of crumpet. xxxxx00000xxxxx A lot of older people wonder if there will be life after death. There is, of course, it just won’t involve them. xxxxx00000xxxxx I’d like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the “brella” but he hesitated. xxxxx00000xxxxx Relationships age like mobile phones. You’ll look at your iPhone 5 and think, “It used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on”. xxxxx00000xxxxx It’s sad that we’ll never know how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark. xxxxx00000xxxxx My careers advisor used to say, “Don’t dress for the job you’ve got, dress for the job you want”. I say he was a careers advisor, I later found out he was a mechanic dressed up as a careers advisor. xxxxx00000xxxxx Whenever someone says, “I don’t believe in coincidences”, I say, “Oh my God, me neither!” xxxxx00000xxxxx My father was such a disciplinarian, he would get angry and say, “You are no daughter of mine”. I would say, “I know, Mum told me.” xxxxx00000xxxxx Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, and figures there is no afterlife. Then he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God’ says Sid, ‘so that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’ xxxxx00000xxxxx Still on a Bear thread ... a bit thread bare but whatever :groan: Two kiwi blokes are walking through some Canadian woods when a huge brown bear appears in the clearing about 50 metres in front of them. The bear sees the kiwi blokes and begins to head toward them. The first bloke drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second bloke says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don’t need to outrun the bear" the first guy bloke says, "I just need to outrun you." xxxxx00000xxxxx A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail asks, ‘What the hell was that all about?’ xxxxx00000xxxxx Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired. xxxxx00000xxxxx Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? You’re super annoying and won’t shut up. xxxxx00000xxxxx What is Mozart doing right now? – Decomposing. xxxxx00000xxxxx A drunk walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him: She: why is your face all bloody? He: I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face! She: idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar! xxxxx00000xxxxx A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. It is barely recognisable as it is shabby and disheveled. The man next to it asks out of curiosity, "Are you a piece of string?" And it answers, "No, I'm a frayed knot". xxxxx00000xxxxx A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an old lady , sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, , and don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" "Forty-four," she replied. 8213 xxxxx00000xxxxx Judge: I'm sorry Mickey, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie on the grounds that she's crazy Mickey: I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f*****g Goofy! xxxxx00000xxxxx A one-legged pirate with a hook for a hand and a patch on his eye walks into the bar. Bartender says: "You must be a pirate. "Aarrgh", sez the pirate. "If you don't mind me asking", says the bartender, "how did you lose your leg?" "Aarrgh, I fell overboard and the sharks took 'er,", sez the pirate. "Sad", says the bartender. "And how did you lose your hand"? "Aarrgh, I feel overboard again, and the sharks took 'er". "Tragic, says the bartender. "Did the sharks take your eye too"? "Naarrgh", sez the pirate. "T'was a fly bite". "You mean a fly bite took your eye out??", says the astonished bartender. "Naargh, sez the pirate. "T'was da first day wit me new hook". xxxxx00000xxxxx A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..." The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again. "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..." "So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any a**hole can sing country music." xxxxx00000xxxxx He said- 90% of young women say they want a man with: six pack Abs a muscular chest and a tight butt. She said - the only problem is that men who have; six pack Abs a muscular chest and a tight butt want... other men with: six pack Abs a muscular chest and a tight butt. xxxxx00000xxxxx For many years a certain white whale and a tiny herring had been inseparable friends. Wherever the white whale roamed in search of food, the herring was sure to be swimming right along beside him. One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway without his companion. Naturally all the other fish were curious, and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale friend. "How should I know?" the herring replied...... "Am I my blubber's kipper?" xxxxx00000xxxxx "Doctors discover that diarrhea has a genetic component. Which explains why it runs in your jeans." xxxxx00000xxxxx A man with three testicles gets on a bus. He boastfully turns to the bloke beside him and says "do you realize that between us we have five balls ". The other bloke replies "Why ,have you only got one ? " xxxxx00000xxxxx In an unusual murder case, a man was found to have poisoned his wife with a razor blade. He gave her arsenic. xxxxx00000xxxxx Just last week I was just sitting down to dinner with my wife when she suddenly said, "Darling, I am feeling so turned on, I have to have you RIGHT NOW!" So what could I do? We swept away all the food, the plates, the cutlery, everything and made passionate love right there on the table. It was an incredible, crazy, wonderful moment. But we can never go to that restaurant again. xxxxx00000xxxxx "Ahaarrr, Long John, where be your buccaneers?" "On me buccan 'ead!" xxxxx00000xxxxx Cheers everybody, have a great week :banana :D:D	WalOne (4202)
1438258	2017-08-14 06:49:00	Thanks Wal	gary67 (56)
1438259	2017-08-14 07:05:00	... and we're back to one thread (deleted the duplicate) :)	Jen (38)
1438260	2017-08-14 07:06:00	I keep hearing echos? Ken :)	kenj (9738)
1438261	2017-08-14 07:12:00	Sorry Wal but here is another take on one of your excellent jokes..... hope you don't mind. :) A man with three testicles gets on a bus. He boastfully turns to the bloke beside him and says "do you realize that between us we have five balls ". The other bloke replies in a high squeaky voice "Gee Mister, you must have a cluster " Ken :banana	kenj (9738)
1438262	2017-08-14 08:03:00	... and we're back to one thread (deleted the duplicate) :) :wub	WalOne (4202)
1438263	2017-08-14 22:47:00	The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. :confused:	B.M. (505)
1438264	2017-08-15 21:04:00	The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas . :confused: Actually, English WAS German . . jebbo . co . uk/learn-oe/origins . htm" target="_blank">www . jebbo . co . uk Old English is one of the Germanic group of Indo-European languages . It was spoken, and written, in England before about 1100AD . It is sometimes referred to as Anglo-Saxon . And then Middle English: The event that began the transition from Old English to Middle English was the Norman Conquest of 1066 The conquering Normans were themselves descended from Vikings . However, the Normans spoke a rural dialect of French with considerable Germanic influences, usually called Anglo-Norman or Norman French, which was quite different from the standard French of Paris of the period . And as for modern English, well, it just got added to and morphed into what it is today .	pctek (84)
1438265	2017-08-16 03:15:00	/\ /\ /\ /\ HIJACK Alert! School ma'am on the loose ... this is a laugh / joke :lol::lol::lol: thread. Scholarly dissertations on the origins of language are OT and diametrically opposed. :)	WalOne (4202)
1438266	2017-08-16 03:39:00	A young girl started work in the village pharmacy. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives. "Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used." The first day was fine but on the second day a guy came in to the store, put out his hand and said "350". The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!" The boss said "Go back in and give him $3.50, he's the window cleaner!"	Marnie (4574)
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