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Thread ID: 83224	2007-09-24 05:40:00	Monday Laughs: A reward for your patience.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
594436	2007-09-24 05:40:00	Sorry about the delay, work intervened!!! Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey . They are sitting on a stack of timber at the ground floor taking a smoko break when Steve is hit on the head by a piece of scaffolding falling from the 25th floor and is killed instantly . As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife . " Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it" and off he goes in the company ute . Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters . Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies . "That's unbelievable" says Bruce . "You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" "Well not exactly," Bluey says . "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow', and she said, No, I'm not a widow . " Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are . " ********************************* A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled . The dentist pulled out a bottle of local anaesthetic and a hypodermic syringe to numb the area . "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient exclaimed . The dentist put away the hypodermic and started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected . "I can't do the gas thing! The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!" The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill . "No problem," the patient said, "I am fine with pills . " The dentist said, "OK . Here is a Viagra tablet . " The patient replied: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!" "It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth . " ********************************* A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dae ye have any books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says, "Fauk off, ye'll no bring it back!" ********************************* A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mum on top of his dad, bouncing up and down . The mum sees her son and instantly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen . She dresses quickly and goes to find him . The son sees his mum and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy, and sometimes I have to get on top of him to help flatten it down . " "You're wasting your time," said the boy . "Why is that?" asked his mum, puzzled . "Well, when you go shopping on Saturdays the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
594437	2007-09-24 05:42:00	Thanks Billy, the wait was worth it. ;)	wratterus (105)
594438	2007-09-24 05:53:00	Aaaah Billy, this on a day when my son had 7 teeth extracted...... I'd love to email it to him but I don't think he would see the funny side of it for a couple of days!!!! Ken	kenj (9738)
594439	2007-09-24 06:34:00	These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law	george12 (7)
594440	2007-09-24 06:51:00	:lol: :lol: :lol: And here I was thinkin that lawyers are smart people . . really funny :lol:	ronyville (10611)
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