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Thread ID: 83627	2007-10-07 20:07:00	Monday Laughs: Not the Bathurst/All Blacks Thread......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
599105	2007-10-07 20:07:00	THE BLONDE PAINTER . . . This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid . She wants to show her husband that blondes really are smart, so while her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house . The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand . Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of fresh paint . He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat . He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time . He goes over and asks her if she is OK . She replies yes . He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by doing some painting in the house . He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket . She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said . . You'll love this . . . Yep! I know you will . . . . . . . . . FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS ********************************* Mensa is an organisation whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher . A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe . While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt . How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer . They called the Blonde waitress over to dazzle her with their solution . "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains pepper . . . " "Oh," the waitress interrupted . "Sorry about that . " She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them! ********************************* Blondes strike back . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order . He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards . " The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards . What does he think this place is? An auto parts store?" "No," the cook said . "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon . " "Oh, OK!" said the blonde . She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the Customer . The trucker asked, "What are the beans for blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!" FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN! ******************************** A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young blonde comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away . His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "that's Felicity, she's my mistress . " "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife . "I've had enough, I want a divorce . " "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club . But the decision is yours . " Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with an attractive young brunette on his arm . "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife . "That's his mistress," says her husband . "Oh really? Ours is much prettier," she replies . Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
599106	2007-10-08 00:19:00	The Perfect Husband Several men are in the locker room of a golf club . A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk . Everyone else in the room stops to listen . MAN: "Hello" WO MAN: "Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WO MAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat . It's only $1,000 . Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much . " WO MAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models . I saw one I really liked . " MAN: "How much?" WO MAN: "$60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options . " WO MAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ? The house we wanted last year is back on the market . They're asking $950,000 . " MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000 . " WO MAN: "OK . I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too . " The man hangs up . The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment . Then the man smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"?? Women vs Men Women : A wife was not at home for a whole night . So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night . So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that . Men : A husband was not at home for a whole night . So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night . So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them .	johcar (6283)
599107	2007-10-08 02:00:00	Two Blondes With Hammers... Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away." Donn a got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!" ********************* A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?" "No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger." ***************** Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and three blondes were stuck on the escalator for more than four hours. ***************** A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first." *************** A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos...it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." "Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing! I'm going to buy it!!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked? "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied......."Two popsicles and some coffee." ************ AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest." "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows theblonde to work usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too. :D	smithie 38 (6684)
599108	2007-10-08 02:09:00	Materialistic Lawyers A very successful lawyer parks his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too closely and completely rips off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just bought the day before, is now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally calms down a bit, the officer shakes his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asks the lawyer. The cop replies, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!"	MAC_H8ER (5897)
599109	2007-10-10 01:47:00	A SCOTTISH STORY... A Scot, walking through a field, sees a man using his hand as a scoop to drink water from a pond. The Scot calls out to the man, 'Na ol an t-uisce, ta s� lan de chac bo.' (Translation: Don't drink that water. It's full of cow manure!) The man shouts back, 'I'm English! Can't you speak English! Are you completely ignorant, you heathern?!' The Scot calls back, 'Use both hands. You'll get more.'	Cicero (40)
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