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Thread ID: 84215	2007-10-28 19:39:00	Monday Laughs: Pre-Christmas '10-pack +1' Special: Clearing out old stock for new!	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
606077	2007-10-28 19:39:00	If you can't find something here to amuse or offend, you probably died in the night and forgot to lay down . [1] EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH! There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1 . He called everyone brother . 2 . He liked Gospel . 3 . He didn't get a fair trial . But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1 . He went into his father's business . 2 . He lived at home until he was 3 3 . 3 . He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure He was God . But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1 . He talked with His hands . 2 . He had wine with His meals . 3 . He used olive oil . But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1 . He never cut His hair . 2 . He walked around barefoot all the time . 3 . He started a new religion . But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 1 He was at peace with nature . 2 He ate a lot of fish . . 3 He talked about the Great Spirit . But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1 . He never got married . 2 . He was always telling stories . 3 . He loved green pastures . But the most compelling evidence of all is this- 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1 . He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food . 2 . He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it . 3 . And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do . ************************* [2] REAL NEWSPAPER ADS (Been in ML before but worth recycling) FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER . 8 years old . Hateful little dog . Bites . FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog . FREE PUPPIES . . . Mother, AKC German Shepherd . Father, Super Dog . . . able to leap tall fences in a single bound . FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG . Looks like a rat . Been out a while . Better be a reward . COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED . Also 1 gay bull for sale . NORDIC TRACK EXERCISE BIKE $300 Hardly used, call Chubby . GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents lb . JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300 . WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn Once By Mistake . Call Stephanie . FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, got married last month . Wife knows everything . ************************* [3] A Black Man's Perspective on Colour: When I am born, I am BLACK, When I grow up, I am BLACK, When I go in the sun, I am BLACK, When I am cold, I am BLACK, When I am scared, I am BLACK, When I am sick, I am BLACK, And when I die I am still BLACK . You white folks . . . . When you are born, you are PINK, When you grow up, you are WHITE, When you go in the sun, you go RED, When you are cold, you go BLUE, When you are scared, you are YELLOW, When you are sick, you go GREEN, When you are bruised, you go PURPLE , And when you die, you go GRAY . So who are you callin' coloured folks? ************************* [4] Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find young, sexy women, who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction . Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy . If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement . When you are done you will have a place to live . Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old wife? A: Tell her your girlfriend is pregnant . Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror? A: The next time you're near a mirror, take off your glasses . Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car . Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: No, storing memories is not a problem, retrieving them is a problem . Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon . Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses? A: Their foreheads . Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year-olds when they enter antique stores? A: "I remember these!" ************************* [5] Last January the New Orleans Times Picayune reported that some Cajun amateur archeologists, having dug to a depth of 10 feet, found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years . . . . and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago . Not to be outdone by the Cajuns, in the weeks that followed, Texas scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet . Shortly after, headlines in the Dallas Morning News read: "Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200-year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the Cajuns . " One week later, The Birmingham News reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in fields near Sylacauga, Alabama, Bubba Williams, a self- taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing . Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago in Alabama they were already using wireless . " ************************* [6] A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed . "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims . "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it . " Bob replies . "What do you mean?" Jim asked . "Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter . I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it . " Jim agrees and the two say goodbye . A few months later they are back in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was . Jim replied, "I did what you said Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?" "Well, I was out of butter" says Jim, "so I've been using Crisco . " Wait for it . . . . . . . . . . . Wait . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed . "Damm it, Jim, Crisco is shortening! MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe!!! ************************* [7] Two old-timers, Phil and Doug, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the sparrows and discuss world problems . One day Doug didn't show up . Phil didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something . But after Doug hadn't shown up for a week or so, Phil really got worried . However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Phil didn't know where Doug lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him . A month passed and Phil figured he had seen the last of Doug . But one day, Phil approached the park as usual and - lo and behold, there sat Doug! Phil was very excited and happy to see him and told him so . Then he said, for crying out loud Doug, what in the world happened to you? Doug replied, I’ve been in jail . Jail? cried Phil . What in the world for? Well, Doug said, You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go? Yeah, said Phil, I remember her, what about her? Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and at 81 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty . And . . . the Judge gave me 30 days for perjury . ************************* [8] A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet . So he went to the pet store one Saturday and told the clerk that he wanted to buy an unusual pet . After considering numerous options, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box . He took centipede home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him the next day . Sunday morning, he opened the box and asked the centipede "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time . " But there was no answer from his new pet . This bothered him a bit, since he was assured by the pet store that the centipede would talk once he got it home and it was comfortable with its surroundings . He waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet . So he waited a few minutes more, contemplating the situation . He decided to ask it one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's box and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord!?" YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS! A little voice came out of the box: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes . ************************* [9] Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven . At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St . Peter . He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be . The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone . The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone . The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini . . " St . Peter looks perplexed . "Who?" "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun St Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell . " The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St . Peter . St . Peter reads the paper and starts laughing . He hands it back to her and says . "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months . " If you laugh, you are going straight to hell! ************************* [10] THE THREE LITTLE PIGS This is a supposedly true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is . They think so logically . A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class . She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home . She read . . . 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?' One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly . . . 'I think the man would have said - 'Well, @#*k me!! A talking pig!' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes . ************************* [11] A Somalian arrives in Manukau City as a new immigrant to New Zealand . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says "thank you Mr New Zealand man for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken there mate, I'm an Australian" . He continues and stops the next person he meets and says "thank you Mr kiwi for allowing me to come and live in your beautiful country . " This person says "don't thank me Bro, I'm Tangata Whenua and nobody asked me if they could come into my country . " The man walks on and encounters another passer-by . "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in New Zealand Mr Kiwi! The person says "I'm no Kiwi . I'm from Samoa . " The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Kiwiland! That person puts up his hand and says "I am from England, I am definitely not a Kiwi! "He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,"Are a New Zealand citizen?" She says, "No, I from Tonga!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the New Zealanders?" The Tongan lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says . . . "Probably at work . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
606078	2007-10-28 20:50:00	TEENAGE PREGNANCY ITALIAN STYLE An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good Morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."	FoxyMX (5)
606079	2007-10-28 20:52:00	IQ Test A man enters a bar in Wellington and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ" The man responds, "About 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league, Holden racing, the new BIG Mc, tattoos, Nicky Watson and women in general. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Err, 50, I think." And the robot says ... really slowly ... "So...............ya gonna vote for Helen again?"	FoxyMX (5)
606080	2007-10-28 20:56:00	With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. ''May we see the new baby?" one asked". "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them. "WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?" "BECAUSE I forgot where I put him"	FoxyMX (5)
606081	2007-10-28 21:51:00	A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it . The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories . Karl said,"My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks . One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess . " "What's the moral of the story?"asked the teacher . "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good,"said the teacher . Next little Alice raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too . But we raise chooks for the meat market . One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is: 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched' . " "That was a fine story Alice . Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes . My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon . Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit . She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete . She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops . She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets . Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke . And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands . " "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss . " ***** Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose . They bag six . As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the Pilot says "The plane can only take four of those . " The two lads object strongly . "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same type of plane as yours . " Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded . However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere . A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?" "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick .	johcar (6283)
606082	2007-10-28 21:52:00	Loved #11, Billy!!! :thumbs: :thumbs:	johcar (6283)
606083	2007-10-28 22:57:00	Thanks for the laugh fellows.. :lol: :thumbs:	ronyville (10611)
606084	2007-10-30 23:01:00	A Recent Final Exam In Chemistry At Yale University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far . These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big party . They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Yale until early Monday morning . Rather than taking the final while tired, they decided to stay home, then after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it . They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire . As a result, they missed the final . The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day . The guys were excited and relieved . They studied that night for the exam and the next morning the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet . They quickly answered the first question, worth 5 points . Cool, they thought! Each one in a separate room, thinking this was going to be easy . . . . then they turned the page . On the second page was written . For 95 points: Which tire?	Billy T (70)
606085	2007-10-31 00:57:00	For 95 points: Which tire? AHAHAHAHAH that is just Friggin HILARIOUS! :lol: :lol: that really made my day cheers for that Billy!	MAC_H8ER (5897)
606086	2007-10-31 00:58:00	AHAHAHAHAH that is just Friggin HILARIOUS! :lol: :lol: that really made my day cheers for that Billy! x2 :thumbs: :lol:	wratterus (105)
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