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Thread ID: 144231	2017-08-21 02:22:00	MONDAY LAUGHS ... August 21	WalOne (4202)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1438396	2017-08-21 02:22:00	It's that time again :eek: :banana :D:D Hi folks, Here we go with another dose of Monday laughs, hope you enjoy them … -----xxxxx----- Starting off, some more one liners from the 2017 Edinburgh Festival, suitable for a family forum :lol: Insomnia is awful . But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas . (Robert Garnham) :) Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression . What a sad state of affairs . (Paul Savage) :lol: I’m very conflicted by eye tests . I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses . (Caroline Mabey) :) My vagina is kind of like Wales . People only visit ironically . (Evelyn Mok) :lol: In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit, because she’s got this kinky fantasy where I have a proper job . (Phil Wang) :) The Edinburgh fringe is such a bubble . I asked a comedian what they thought about the North Korea nuclear missile crisis and they asked what venue it was on in . (Gráinne Maguire) :lol: How did the Village People meet? They obviously led such different lives . (John-Luke Roberts) :) If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead . (Olaf Falafel) -----xxxxx----- Lets eat Grandma . Lets eat, Grandma . Commas save lives! Like Carlin used to say: Ranger Dan and his big dog, Dick . or Ranger Dan and his big dog dick . Commas are the key, my friends . I helped my uncle Jack off a horse . I helped my uncle jack off a horse . Capitalization is key my friends . -----xxxxx----- The health inspector shut down the restaurant in the local Westfield . The business was sold, and the new owner rebuilt the kitchen area . The inspector was very impressed with the new kitchen . Stainless steel counters and shelves . Floors of white marble . More lighting install making a bright and clean looking work area . Tongs hanging everywhere, the food was not touched by human hands . The inspector noticed a string hanging from the cooks fly and asked, "What is the string for?" The cook replied, "When I go to the bathroom, I do not have to touch it, I just pull it out with the string . " "Oh how neat," replied the inspector . "How do you get it back in?" The cook responded, "With the salad tongs . " -----xxxxx----- A tightwad was looking for a gift for a friend of his . Everything he saw in the store was too expensive . Then he came across a glass vase that had been broken, which could be purchased for next to nothing . The tightwad asked the store clerk to send the gift, hoping his friend would think that the vase had been broken during transit . A couple of weeks later, the tightwad received an acknowledgment for the gift . "Thanks for the vase," read the card . "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately . " -----xxxxx----- These two zoned-out hippies entered a pet store, and one went up to the counter and said, "I want four budgies right now . " The store owner asked, "Do you want male, or female?" The hippie said, "I don't care, I just want four budgies right now!" Then the store owner asked, "What species do you want?" The hippie screamed, "I just want four damn budgies!" So the store owner gave him the budgies . The two hippies drove up to a cliff . One of them got out, took one budgie in each hand, and jumped off of the cliff and landed with a splat . Then the second hippie looked over the cliff and said, "Boy, this budgie jumping just isn't all that it's cracked up to be!" -----xxxxx----- A young bloke goes into a pharmacy to buy condoms . The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants . "Well," he says, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot . I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night" . We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out . And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that . Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack . " Our stud makes his purchase and leaves . Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents . He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree . He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating . The girl leans over saying, "You never told me that you were such a religious person” . The young bloke replies "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist . " -----xxxxx----- By the time Dave pulled into Waikikamukau every hotel room was taken . He finally arrives at the very last hotel and goes into the office . "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleads," “or just a bed - I don't care where . " "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," ventured the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost . But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past . I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you . " "No problem," the tired traveler assured him . "I'll take it . " The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed . "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager . "Never better . " The manager was impressed . "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" says Dave . "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager . "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained . " I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me . " -----xxxxx----- She has a pretty little head-- for a head, it's pretty little . -----xxxxx----- A guy walks into the local Winge Office, goes straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . . you know, I just HATE to go on the dole; I'd really rather have a job . " The Winge consultant behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent . We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18-year-old nymphomaniac daughter . “You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes . Because of the long hours, meals will be provided . You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips . You'll have an adjoining room . The starting salary is $200,000 a year . " The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The consultant says, "Yeah, well, you started it . " -----xxxxx----- Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the hell out of the dog . -----xxxxx----- And one last head joke for the week: My God! What's that big ugly thing on your neck? Oh, it's just your head . :lol: :lol: -----xxxxx----- That's it for this week, hope you enjoy this compendium, and I haven't offended too many people too much . If I have . . . tough! :devil Cheers!	WalOne (4202)
1438397	2017-08-22 00:30:00	I liked the sykdiving one. The condoms one I heard about 30 years ago. The Winge (WinZ) one was god but I heard it 3 years ago. It was a Maori guy pretending to look for a job then. The rest were all very weak and sort of clutching at straws humour.	Digby (677)
1438398	2017-08-22 01:41:00	The rest were all very weak and sort of clutching at straws humour. Poor petal :crying :lol:	WalOne (4202)
1438399	2017-08-22 02:13:00	I hope I never lose my sense of humour, even on bad hair days. Thanks for taking over the Monday Laughs, WalOne, much appreciated.	Marnie (4574)
1438400	2017-08-22 03:37:00	I'm sure some of us can relate to THIS (www.youtube.com)	B.M. (505)
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