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Thread ID: 84788	2007-11-18 20:12:00	Monday Laughs: Lawyers help Kiwis Get over World Championships.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
612805	2007-11-18 20:12:00	A guy walks into a bar and sees a drop-dead gorgeous woman nursing a drink . Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good lookin'? How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said . . . . . "Listen up, buddy . I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it just doesn't matter to me . I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it . " Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding . I'm a lawyer too . What firm are you with?" ******************************* A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money . He calls home . "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing . They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk . " "That's amazing!" his Dad says . "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $2,000 Dad," the young jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course . " So . . . his father sends the dog and $2,000 . About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out . The boy calls home . "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know . "Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm . But you just won't believe this . They've had such good results with the talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read . " "Read?!" exclaims his father . "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send $4,500 . I'll get him in the class . " The money promptly arrives, but the boy now has a problem . At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read . So he shoots the dog . When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited . "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news . Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal . Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing 'round with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'" The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" The kid went on to be a successful lawyer . ******************************* Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates . St . Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question . St . Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They made a movie about it . " The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic . " and St . Peter let her through the gate . St . Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't need all the odours that this husband would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "Roughly how many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the garbage man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500 . " "That's correct . You may enter . " St . Peter then turned to the lawyer and said "Name them . " ******************************* A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day . The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work . " The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop . A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public . " The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop . A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system . " The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut . Cheers Billy T 8-{) (The one who is still alive)	Billy T (70)
612806	2007-11-18 23:21:00	Why should you bury a lawyer 12 feet under? Because deep, deep down, lawyers are actually good. :p	bob_doe_nz (92)
612807	2007-11-19 00:34:00	how do you tell a lawyer is lying ? his/her lips are moving !	drcspy (146)
612808	2007-11-19 00:58:00	LOL. Why don't sharks bite lawyers? Professional courtesy. But in defense of our Winston - they're not all like that. In fact Winston would have to be the complete opposite. He must have taken up the wrong profession....	pctek (84)
612809	2007-11-19 01:59:00	Ummm..... I thought this was supposed to be a joke thread? So where are the jokes?? :stare:	Winston001 (3612)
612810	2007-11-19 02:18:00	Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, looking at them sternly, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a BRIBE." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning the extra $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!" *************** BAD HEADLINES From Around The World Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar War Dims Hope For Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While Man is Fatally Slain Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say Flaming Toilet Seat Causes Evacuation at High School Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence Police Discover Crack in Australia ********************* A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party. "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example... The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."	Mercury (1316)
612811	2007-11-19 03:55:00	Ummm..... I thought this was supposed to be a joke thread? So where are the jokes?? :stare: Very nice Winston. Completely unabashed... :D	John H (8)
612812	2007-11-19 05:51:00	A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Arkansas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in Arkansas and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts of Arkansas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Arkansas Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What that?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff and the lawyer's last meal came gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." ************************************************** ****** A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be." "Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me." "Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up." "Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver." "Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method." "Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not." "Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it." "Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it." "Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it." "Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" :D	smithie 38 (6684)
612813	2007-11-19 21:00:00	Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here . The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual . I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt . I walked back home to get my husband's help . When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes . He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make-up . I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years . When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear . But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months . I told him to stop or I would leave him . He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless . I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant . I don't feel I can get through to him anymore . Can you please help? Sincerely, Mrs . Sheila Lusk ----------------------------------- Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine . Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line . If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold . If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber . I hope this helps . Walter	allblack (6574)
612814	2007-11-20 00:18:00	Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here . The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual . I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt . I walked back home to get my husband's help . When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes . He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make-up . I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years . When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear . But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months . I told him to stop or I would leave him . He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless . I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant . I don't feel I can get through to him anymore . Can you please help? Sincerely, Mrs . Sheila Lusk ----------------------------------- Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine . Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line . If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold . If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber . I hope this helps . Walter :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:	wratterus (105)
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