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Thread ID: 85450	2007-12-10 19:58:00	Monday Laughs: Patience is a virtue.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
620033	2007-12-10 19:58:00	Sorry about the delay, I had to get over Monday before I could laugh about it............. This is written from a bloke's point of view: I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do." FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I had just got into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, but she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a huge and expensive department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very costly outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited, she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost orgasmic from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I stopped and said, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" ............Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell. ************************* Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'll build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her." They continued to fish, until they realised the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex," and she said, "Wear a sweater." ************************* The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and Saint Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself." The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your damned bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!" ************************* Male or Female? A French teacher was explaining that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. House for instance, is feminine -- la maison. Pencil, however, is masculine -- le crayon. A student asked, "What gender is a computer?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (No chuckling guys ... this gets better!!!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (le computer), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs: :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
620034	2007-12-10 23:37:00	Bonus time: Only a real Texas Man can make you feel like a woman . A plane was passing through a severe storm . The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning . One woman lost it completely . She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried . Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman? " For a moment, there was silence . Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane . Then a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane . He was handsome, tall, well built; with dark brown hair and hazel eyes . . . his name was Don . Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time, locking eyes with her . No one moved . He removed his shirt . Muscles rippled across his chest . She gasped . . . Then, he spoke . . . . . . . . . . . . "Here, get me a beer -- then go iron this . " Cheers Billy 8-{) ;)	Billy T (70)
620035	2007-12-12 00:38:00	Sorry about the delay, I had to get over Monday before I could laugh about it............. Male or Female? A French teacher was explaining that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. House for instance, is feminine -- la maison. Pencil, however, is masculine -- le crayon. A student asked, "What gender is a computer?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (No chuckling guys ... this gets better!!!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (le computer), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs: :thumbs: The French word for computer is, ironically, Masculine. L'Ordinateur (le ordinateur)	jwil1 (65)
620036	2007-12-12 01:56:00	A True story from the U . K . Two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph . Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it . Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea . Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office . Back came the reply in true RAF style: Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident . You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it . Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment . Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation destroyed .  . . . . good stuff !	Cicero (40)
620037	2007-12-12 02:11:00	How easy is it to install Tornado automated defence system equipment in a CRV?	johcar (6283)
620038	2007-12-12 02:18:00	Oh easy - you can buy it OTC sarel	sarel (2490)
620039	2007-12-12 02:22:00	How easy is it to install Tornado automated defence system equipment in a CRV? Real easy . First purchase your Tornado automated defence system equipment and associated missiles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Buy sturdy roof rack, cable ties, rope, blast-proof windshield, install, test against automated threat simulator (anybody on a bicycle will do) drive . . . . . . . Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
620040	2007-12-12 02:44:00	Anyone got any contacts at the RAF? :D	johcar (6283)
620041	2007-12-12 02:53:00	You can get a cheap version at the Warehouse sarel	sarel (2490)
620042	2007-12-12 03:31:00	Real easy . First purchase your Tornado automated defence system equipment and associated missiles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Buy sturdy roof rack, cable ties, rope, blast-proof windshield, install, test against automated threat simulator (anybody on a bicycle will do) drive . . . . . . . Cheers Billy 8-{) I am off to buy same,hope you didn't miss owt,look silly if I come home sans main bits .	Cicero (40)
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