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Thread ID: 85632	2007-12-16 21:42:00	Monday Laughs: I was having a listless sort of morning.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
621881	2007-12-16 21:42:00	HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1 . Throw out nonessential numbers . This includes age, weight and height . Let the doctors worry about them . That is why you pay "them . " 2 . Keep only cheerful friends . The grouches pull you down . 3 . Keep learning . Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever . Never let the brain idle . "An idle mind is the devil's workshop . " And the devil's name is Alzheimer's . 4 . Enjoy the simple things . 5 . Laugh often, long and loud . Laugh until you gasp for breath . 6 . The tears happen . Endure, grieve, and move on . The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves . Be ALIVE while you are alive . 7 . Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever . Your home is your refuge . 8 . Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it . If it is unstable, improve it . If it is beyond what you can improve, get help . 9 . Don't take guilt trips . Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is . 10 . Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity . AND ALWAYS REMEMBER : Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away . And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone . We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!!! ***************************** NEW MEDICAL DICTIONARY (from the new Oz Minister of Health): Artery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The study of paintings . Bacteria . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Back door to cafeteria . Barium . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What doctors do when patients die . Benign . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What you be, after you be eight . Caesarean Section . . . . . A neighbourhood in Rome . Catscan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Searching for Pussy . Cauterize . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Made eye contact with her . Colic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A sheep dog . Coma . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A punctuation mark . Dilate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . To live long . Enema . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Not a friend . Fester . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Quicker than someone else . Fibula . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A small lie . Impotent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Distinguished, well known . Labour Pain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . New Government . Medical Staff . . . . . . . . . . . . A Doctor's cane . Morbid . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A higher E-bay offer . Nitrates . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cheaper than day rates . Node . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I knew it . Outpatient . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A person dropped off the 'Waiting List' . Pelvis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Made famous by Elvis, also after the drug that killed him . Post Operative . . . . . . . . . . A letter carrier . Recovery Room . . . . . . . . . Place to do upholstery . Rectum . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nearly killed him . Secretion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Hiding something . Seizure . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Roman Emperor . Tablet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A small table . Terminal Illness . . . . . . . . Getting sick at the airport . Tumour . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . One plus one more, but it's only word of mouth . Urine . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Now go for it! ***************************** Last YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2006 : Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [He probably IS the battery charge] Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?] Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!] And the winner is . . . . Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead ***************************** For those over 50 and the ones who hope to make it to 50! PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 1 . Kidnappers are not very interested in you . 2 . In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first . 3 . No one expects you to run--anywhere . 4 . People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you? 5 . People no longer view you as a hypochondriac . 6 . There is nothing left to learn the hard way . 7 . Things you buy now won't wear out . 8 . You can eat supper at 4 pm . 9 . You can live without sex but not your glasses . 10 . You get into heated arguments about pension plans . 11 . You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge . 12 . You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room . 13 . You sing along with elevator music . 14 . Your eyes won't get much worse . 15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off . 16 . Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service . 17 . Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either . 18 . Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size . 19 . You can't remember who sent you this list . Forward this to every one you can remember . ********************** In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please . If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis . In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub . In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day . During that time we regret that you will be unbearable . In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up . In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor . If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor . Driving is then going alphabetically by national order . In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk . In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A . M . daily . In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid . In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid . In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday . In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension . On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for . On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion . In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service . Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs . In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results . Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking . In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit . Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation . Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors . These were executed over the past two years . In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers . In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter . A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose . In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose . In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists . A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played . In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time . In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages . Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right . In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin . On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life . Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways . In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream . ********************* Finally, something to keep Safari happy: Women might be able to fake orgasms . But men can fake whole relationships . " - Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading . " - Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it . I said, "Thyroid problem?" - Arnold Schwarzenegger "Hockey is a sport for white men . Basketball is a sport for black men . Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps . " - Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-***** . " - Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied . A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is . " - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet . " - Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself . " - Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex . Men just need a place . " - Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women . They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful . " - Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis . Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms . They say they cause severe swelling . So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing . Just show me somebody naked . " - Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house . " - Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time . " - Robin Williams Cheers Billy 8-{) :D :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
621882	2007-12-16 22:19:00	A short history of medicine: I have an earache... 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. ****** How to Give a Cat a Pill (apologies isf this is a repeat) 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm while holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans; drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from the neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Get spouse to drive you to the ER, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers, forearm, and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.	johcar (6283)
621883	2007-12-16 23:09:00	How to give a dog a pill Wrap pill in a ball of Jellimeat. Throw it to dog. Job done Ken	kenj (9738)
621884	2007-12-17 00:51:00	How to give a dog a pill Wrap pill in a ball of Jellimeat. Throw it to dog. Job done Ken never worked for us we had to use the old put dogs pill in catfood and pretend you don't see the dog sneak up to the cats bowl, or else drop the pill near the dog and it swallowed before it hit the ground	Morgenmuffel (187)
621885	2007-12-17 00:52:00	I have 3 cats and varying methods of pill giving: 1st cat: Wrap pill in any handy food item, she eats it. 2nd cat: Place pill on floor in front of her, she eats it. 3rd cat: Take cat to vet and leave her there for however long she is meant to have pills for.	pctek (84)
621886	2007-12-17 01:16:00	"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams :lol: :lol: :lol:	rob_on_guitar (4196)
621887	2007-12-17 01:30:00	How to give cat a pill, with only a fraction of the drama: If you are a cat-lover, read no further! 1) Request Vet to provide medication in suppository form . 2) Make sure fridge is well stocked with favourite beer, contact local takeaways and pre-order meals on wheels for next 5 days . Don't tell delivery person about cat plans! 3) Take cat to front door . 4) Get unsuspecting idiot to assist, Mother in Law is a good choice, if not available, moronic brother in law will do . Provide aforementioned idiot with chain-mail meatworks gloves . 5) Pass front end of cat through front door and tell U . I . to grasp firmly, tell them cats don't feel pain . Close door down to 3 inches . 6) Tell U . I . to back cat up to crack, seize tail firmly and tell U . I . to head for the hills, pronto . 7) Insert suppository, degree of force and lubricant usage determined by depth of feeling over injuries and damage cause by prior unsuccessful frontal approach . 8) Release tail and close door smartish, there's no chance you will catch the tail as you slam it shut, cat has taken off at Warp 9 and is looking for a pack of dobermans on which to wreak its revenge . 9) Remain inside for 5 days . Ignore plaintive meowing from cat when it returns after despatching pack of dobermans, it is only waiting for you to open door so it can return the favour . Throw favourite foods out of upstairs window to ingratiate yourself, cats have the attention span of a mayfly once sated with *** so it will forget everything except the face of the U . I . (who should be warned not to show said face in neighbourhood for several years) . It's a win-win all round, except for the cat, and perhaps the dobermans . Never mind about the U . I . they spent far too much time at your place anyway so it's time the rest of the family took their turn . Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
621888	2007-12-17 02:52:00	Here's one for the festive season. MR S CLAUS IS INVESTIGATED BY NEW ZEALAND GOVERNMENT SANTA’S SLEIGH IRD said available for private use 364 days a year, so liable for FBT. No sign writing, so not exempt as a work related vehicle. No registration, no WOF, no airbags, no certification. Clearly has been Speeding and also sustained loss of traction on the ice. Sleigh confiscated and impounded by LTSA. SANTA’S ELVES No PAYE/Student loan or child support deducted. No ACC paid. No Kiwi Saver deductions. Liable for all the above. The elves win lotto in the work pool and quit. SANTA’S GROTTO No Health and Safety Plan. No OSH Certification. Working on public holidays. No union access allowed. Due to all the water and ice around the Dept of Building and Housing determined leaky building and shut it down. SANTA’S REINDEER Not working dogs or guard dogs, so no deduction. No safety equipment in the sleigh. (OSH) WWF complain regarding cruelty. (strapped to sleigh) SPCA complain as they must have been high on some substance to fly. They are put down for their own good. SANTA’S GIFT GIVING IRD assess Gift Duty to be paid. No exemption, as not for natural love and affection. Customs clains exporting without a licence. CYPS charge him, as he requires all children to be good, therefore restricting their freedom. Ministry of Equal Opportunity claims breaches of Bill of Rights as only presents for Christian children. SANTA’S CHRISTMAS TREES Forestry Department charge him for inciting logging without a licence. Local council charge him with causing protected trees to be chopped. Greenies blockade and chain themselves to the trees to protect their feelings. Government claims he has to buy carbon credits due to increased grrenhouse gas levels because of lack of trees. SANTA TAKES IT ALL QUITE BADLY, SO NO CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR	Marnie (4574)
621889	2007-12-18 02:10:00	A bloke from Southland buys a round of Speights for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced 'a typical Southland" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of WOW!' were heard. A woman screams due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Southland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now? The proud father answers, 'Seventeen pounds,' The bartender is puzzled, 'Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth. The father takes a slow swig from his Speights, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and says........ 'Had him circumcised.' 'Good on ya mate'	wratterus (105)
621890	2007-12-19 08:58:00	** Greatest Books Not Written ** ** NATIONS IN GREATNESS ** 1) Canadian Tips on World Dominance 2) A Guide to Arab Democracies 3) Fat-free Indian Cooking 4) English Tanning Secrets 5) A Guide to Swiss Beaches 6) Spicy Irish Cooking 7) Brilliant Spanish Military Campaigns 8) Great Cars of Russia 9) Advances in Chinese Human Rights 10) French Hospitality	johcar (6283)
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