Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 85832	2007-12-23 20:20:00	Monday Laughs: A Merry Christmas to you all.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
623902	2007-12-23 20:20:00	First, something philosophical, as befits the season: THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the "Seven Wonders of the World . " Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes: 1 . The Great Pyramids 2 . Taj Mahal 3 . Grand Canyon 4 . Panama Canal 5 . Empire State Building 6 . St . Peter's Basilica 7 . China's Great Wall While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet . So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list . The girl replied, "Yes, a little . I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many to choose from . " The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help . The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World' are: To see, to hear, to touch, to taste, to feel, to laugh, and to love . " The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous! A gentle reminder that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man . ************************* Next, something with a religious theme: There were two nuns . One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) . It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent . SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants . SL: It's logical . He wants to have his way with us . SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster . SM: It's not working . SL: Of course it's not working . The man did the only logical thing . He started to walk faster, too . SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute . SL: The only logical thing we can do is split . You go that way and I'll go this way . He cannot follow us both . So the man decided to follow Sister Logical . Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical . Then Sister Logical arrives . SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened . The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened . I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could . SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened . He reached me . SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do . I lifted my dress up . SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do . He pulled down his pants . SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down . And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys! ************************* In the spirit of ribaldy: When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson . Be very sure you get this brand . When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed . Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair . Open the package and remove the thermometer . Carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken . Now the fun part begins . Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitised" . Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson . " ************************* A short safari through the smutty stuff: A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with his friend . He shoots his friend and kills him . Wife says, "If you keep on behaving like this, you'll lose ALL your friends . " *********** What is the definition of a Mistress? Someone caught halfway between a Mister and a Mattress . *********** Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period? Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one, and my mum fainted, dad had a heart attack, and our neighbor ran away . *********** A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" His Dad says, "You are my son . I'm confident about that . Your friend over there is also my son . That's confidential!" ************************* And finally, a Santa joke: A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother . " Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER . " Cheers Billy *<8-{)= And a very Merry Christmas to you all .	Billy T (70)
623903	2007-12-23 20:41:00	Greetings to you Billy T and many thanks for all the great laughs through 2007 Xmas wishes to all F1 members and contributors	bonzo29 (2348)
623904	2007-12-23 21:17:00	Something for you in this time of excess: SATAN'S TEMPTATIONS In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds. And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 1 4. So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits. Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, and super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service. ***************** THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health: 1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 4. Italians and French drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you To all PF1 readers and/or contributors: have a great and safe Christmas!! Enjoy (everything)!	johcar (6283)
623905	2007-12-23 21:36:00	Merry Christmas to you all . And Billy, thanks so much for putting all the effort you have into the Monday Laughs, a Monday without them tends to be quite miserable!! :D Thanks again! :cool: Four Stages of Life 1) You believe in Santa Claus . 2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus . 3) You are Santa Claus . 4) You look like Santa Claus . A four-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner . The family members bowed their heads in expectation . He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one . Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles . Then he began to thank God for the food . He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip . Then he paused, and everyone waited . . . and waited . After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?" A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated . Please read the following carefully . I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve . Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209 . I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan . As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies . However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus . His side of the family is from the South Pole . He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us . . . 1 . There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus . He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson . " 2 . Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace . And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe . He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy . 3 . Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer . I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace . 4 . You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . . " when Bubba Claus arrives . Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty . " 5 . "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" 6 . As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well . One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy . 7 . The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area . Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other . 8 . Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt . If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree . 9 . And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town . " This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South . Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T . Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr . 's "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It . " Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209	wratterus (105)
623906	2007-12-23 22:14:00	Johcar - your's were sooo funny! :lol:	Greg (193)
623907	2007-12-23 22:30:00	Scientific Proof that Santa Claus doesn't Exist IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) — I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus . 1) No known species of reindeer can fly . BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen . 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world . BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total — 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau . At an average (census) rate of 3 . 5 children per household, that’s 91 . 8 million homes . One presumes there’s at least one good child in each . 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical) . This works out to 822 . 6 visits per second . This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house . Assuming that each of these 91 . 8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about . 78 miles per household, a total trip of 75—1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc . This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound . For purposes of comparison, the fastest man—made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27 . 4 miles per second — a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour . 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element . Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium—sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight . On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds . Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine . We need 214,200 reindeer . This increases the payload — not even counting the weight of the sleigh — to 353,430 tons . Again, for comparison — this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth . 5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance — this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth’s atmosphere . The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14 . 3 QUINTILLION joules of energy . Per second . Each . In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake . The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4 . 26 thousandths of a second . Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500 . 06 times greater than gravity . A 250—pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force . In conclusion — If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now .	nrrrta (11415)
623908	2007-12-24 03:35:00	[QUOTE=nrrrta;627520]Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500 . 06 times greater than gravity . A 250—pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force . QUOTE] Hmmm . . . . . . . . I see possible flaws in this reasoning: Allowing that Santa follows the curvature of the earth during his present-delivering orbit, and also allowing that he does not fly upside down, he would be affected by centrifugal force for sure, but would initially become weightless, then pull negative G's, allowing, of course, that he was wearing a seat-belt . If not wearing a seat-belt, he would spear off into space, followed closely by his bag of goodies . Re-entry at each local delivery point would see him pull eye-popping G's and I think we can safely assume that he does not reverse the sleigh for re-entry . If he did reverse, the reindeer would apply themselves with great force to his rotund areas, before disappearing out of his fundamental orifice and distributing themselves across his sleigh and all the pressies, bring the whole Christmas caring and giving experience to a sh**ty end . If he survived all of that, on re-entering orbit he might be crushed back into his sleigh, but would be having another abnormally intimate experience with the rear ends of said reindeer, assuming that he uses boosters on the sleigh to overcome the lack of motive power from your average flying reindeer . It all sounds very improbable to me . Cheers Billy *<8-{)=	Billy T (70)
1