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Thread ID: 86013	2007-12-30 21:38:00	Monday Laughs: Final round-up for 2007.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
625982	2007-12-30 21:38:00	Starting with a late Christmas story: The teacher, Ms . Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas . She called on young Patrick Murphy . "Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked . Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms . Pelzner, my twelve brothers and sisters and I go to Midnight Mass and we sing hymns, and then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings . Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys . " "Very nice Patrick," she said . "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" "Well, my sister and I also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home kinda late . We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings . We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents . " Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year . Dad comes home from the office . We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory . When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus . ' Then we all go to the Bahamas for our holidays . " *************************** One to tease the politically correct: A brown faced man of indeterminate racial origins (BFMOIRO) from a suburb not north of Auckland is driving an ethnically ornamented Holden Kingswood in downtown Wellington when he pulls up at a traffic light and stops next to a guy in a Rolls Royce . Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: Hey bro, you got a telephone in that Rolls?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do . " "I got one too . . . see?" the BFMOIRO says . "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice . " "You got a fax machine?" asks the BFMOIRO . "Why, actually, yes, I do . " "I have too! See? It's right here!" brags the guy from you know where . The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Kingswood says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got me a double bed right in the back here," the BFMOIRO replies . The light turns and the man in the Kingswood takes off . Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customising shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car . About two weeks later, the job is finally done . He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the ethnically ornamented Holden . Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it . The windows on the Kingswood are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Holden . (It's ok, the joke is CLEAN) The man in the Kingswood finally opens the window a crack and peeks out . The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the BFMOIRO, "What's up?" "Check this out . . . I got a double bed installed in my Rolls . " The BFMOIRO exclaims, Bloody Hell mate, YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER JUST TO TELL ME THAT?" *************************** This one is for any males driving their family while on holiday: A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband . Suddenly, he burst into the kitchen . "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once . TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter . Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them . You know you always forget to salt them . Use the salt . USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him . "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving . " *************************** Something slightly suggestive: An attractive young woman was waiting at a crowded city bus stop . She was decked out in a rather tight skirt with matching boots and jacket . As the bus rolled up, and it became her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was too tight to allow her to make the first step on the bus . So, slightly embarrassed, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to get her leg up to the first step . Again she tried but the skirt was still too tight . Even more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more . For a second time she attempted the step, and once again just couldn't get her foot that high . It was just as she was reaching behind her a third time that this big Texan right behind her picked her up from the waist and placed her lightly on the step . Well, she was not happy to be man-handled and turned on the would-be hero, "You have no right to touch me, mister! I don't even know you!" At this the Texan drawled: "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my pants three times I kinda figured that we was friends . " *************************** And a good old-fashioned implausible situation joke: A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale . " He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard . The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there . "You talk?" he asks . "Yep," the Lab replies . After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young . I wanted to help my country, so I approached the CIA . In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping . I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running . "But all that jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down . I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in . I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals . Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired . " The guy is amazed . He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog . "Ten dollars," the guy says . "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar . He never did any of that sh*t . " *************************** And one with a message: An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which she carried across her neck . One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water . At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot only ever arrived half full . For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water . Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments . But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do . After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream . "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house . " The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them . For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table . Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house . " Each of us has our own unique flaw . But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding . You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them . So, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great New Year and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path! All the best for 2008 Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
625983	2007-12-30 22:22:00	Thanks Billy, You have made Mondays an especially enjoyable day. Have a great New Year.	Richard (739)
625984	2007-12-31 00:53:00	Well done Billy! Thanks for the 2007 jokes - looking forward to the 2008 batch . Have a great new year . :thumbs:	johcar (6283)
625985	2007-12-31 01:14:00	Billy T, thanks so much for all the effort you've put into the Monday Laughs during the last year. As I've said before, Monday would not be the same without them!! :) Happy New Year.	wratterus (105)
625986	2007-12-31 04:24:00	Vanilla Ice Cream that puzzled General motors!!!! An Interesting Story Never underestimate your Clients' Complaint, no matter how funny it might seem ! This is a real story that happened between a customer of General Motors and a Customer-Care Executive. A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors: 'This is the second time I have written to you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of Ice-Cream for dessert after dinner each night, but the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem..... You see, every time I buy a vanilla ice-cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds "What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?" The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an Engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start. The Engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, they got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start. Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: He jotted down all sorts of data: time of day, type of gas uses, time to drive back and forth etc. In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to check out the flavor. Now, the question for the Engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Eureka - Time was now the problem - not the vanilla ice cream!!!! The engineer quickly came up with the answer: "vapor lock". It was happening every night; but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate. Even crazy looking problems are sometimes real and all problems seem to be simple only when we find the solution, with cool thinking .	R2x1 (4628)
625987	2007-12-31 06:22:00	Thanks, Billy T - I look forward to your efforts each week (and then shamelessly use them...)! :)	R.M. (561)
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