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Thread ID: 86161	2008-01-06 21:11:00	Monday Laughs: And another year starts.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
627931	2008-01-06 21:11:00	The Final Decision A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot . The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness . Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a major pile-up on the motorway . You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but . . . . . something else happened . I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to recover it . " The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "There's no need to worry though, you've got $18000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap . It's $2000 an inch . " The man perks up at this . "So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want . But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife . I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be a bit excited . But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed . So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision . " The man agrees to talk with his wife . The doctor comes back the next day . "So," he says, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man . "And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She has," says the man . "And what is it?" asks the doctor . "We're getting a new designer kitchen . " ************************ The Duck and the Lawyer A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tuhoe country in the Uruweras . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a field on the other side of a fence . As the lawyer climbed over the fence to retrieve the bird, an elderly Maori fella drove up on a tractor and asked him what he was doing . The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it . " The old fella replied, "I don't think so sonny, this is my land, and you are not coming over here . " The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in New Zealand, and if you don't let me get that duck I'll sue you and take everything you own . The old fella smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle disputes in Tuhoe country . We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule . " The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The man replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on Tuhoe land, I get to go first . I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until one of us gives up . " The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger . He agreed to abide by the local custom . The old fella slowly climbed down from the tractor and limped up to the attorney . His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees . His second kick to the midriff sent winded the lawyer and left him lying in a pile of puke . The lawyer had finally dragged himself up on his hands and knees, heaving and gasping, when the third kick, to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat . The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and after several minutes he managed to get to his feet . Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart . Now it's my turn . " [I love this part . . . . ] The old fella smiled and said, "Nah, I give up . You can have the duck . ************************ WHAT DATING WAS LIKE IN 1957 . . or thereabouts . It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy-Sue . Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck-tail hairdo . When he goes to the front door, Peggy-Sue's mother answers and invites him in . "Peggy-Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat" . Peggy-Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do . Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the Milk-Bar or to a drive-in movie . Peggy-Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw, I hear all the kids are doing it . " Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?" "Yes," says Peggy-Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!" Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear . Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening . A few minutes later, Peggy-Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go . With almost breathless anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold . About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy-Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mum! It's the Twist!, It's called The Twist!" ************************ Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle . The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return . Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me . " The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese . " "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle . "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever . " She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" "Um . I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever . "My, my," said the Poodle . "I guess it's hopeless . That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence . " She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua . He gives her a smile, then a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says . (Ok, this is wet but good) "Liver alone, cheese mine . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
627932	2008-01-07 00:16:00	IRISH DEFINITIONS Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does. ------------------------------------------------------------- Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. ------------------------------------------------------------ The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent. ------------------------------------------------------------ An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question? "Who told you that?" asked Paddy. ------------------------------------------------- ----------- Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?" ------------------------------------------------------------- Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room." ------------------------------------------------------------- Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I Hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm getting closer all the time." ------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A. A bachelor. --------- ---------------------------------------------------- Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home. ------------ ------------------------------------------------- Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'." --- ---------------------------------------------------------- "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!" ------------ ------------- ------------------------------------ Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive? ------------------------------------------------------------ My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs :D	smithie 38 (6684)
627933	2008-01-07 02:07:00	Anesthesiologist business card: When you care enough to sleep with the very best. ************************************** Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ************************** In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ************************** On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed" ************************** On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.." ************************** At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." ************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************************** In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ************************** On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ************************** At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff" ************************** On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" ************************** In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ************************** In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." **************************	Cicero (40)
627934	2008-01-07 04:51:00	Sortta "PG-13" rated . . . A little old lady went into the BNZ one day, carrying a bag of money . She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office . The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit . She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk . The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around . Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets . " The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square . " "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet . You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my testicles are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president . That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his testicles, turning from side to side, again and again . He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his testicles were square and that he would win the bet . The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office . She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's testicles are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see . The president complied . The little old lady peered closely at his testicles and then asked if she could feel them . "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure . " Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall . The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the BNZ's testicles in my hand . "	SurferJoe46 (51)
627935	2008-01-07 05:15:00	A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."	SurferJoe46 (51)
627936	2008-01-07 21:42:00	A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside . He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate . "Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man . "I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied . "Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children . . . " "Bring them along!" the rich man said . They all climbed into the limo . Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind . Thank you for taking all of us in . " The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand . The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"	johcar (6283)
627937	2008-01-09 09:52:00	THOUGHTS FOR 2008 Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you £200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you £0.30? Number 2 In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008: We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among thousands of cows, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration. And the BONUS thought for today "Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow".	Cicero (40)
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