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Thread ID: 145317	2017-10-02 04:06:00	MONDAY LAUGHS ... Parrots, Analagies, and Hef	WalOne (4202)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1440042	2017-10-02 04:06:00	Once more into the breach :banana :):) A magician was working on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick. He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?' +++++/////\\\\\+++++ 8317 :lol: Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake. Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy. +++++/////\\\\\+++++ :groan: A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.' +++++/////\\\\\+++++ True Kiwi Mates Sheila didn't come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been "rooting around" so rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her. The following week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila asks him where he'd been. So Bruce says he got a bit drunk at a mate's place and thought it was safer not to drive but crash out there. Sheila thinks he's been "rooting around" so rings his ten best mates. In true Kiwi style - eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he's still there. +++++/////\\\\\+++++ How to Speak New Zild • Fear hear - blonde • Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen • Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym • Duffy cult - not easy • Day old chuck - very young poultry • Bug hut - popular recording • Bun button - been bitten by insect • Beard - a place to sleep • Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers • Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline • Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests • Amejen - visualise • One Doze - well known computer program • Brudge - structure spanning a stream • Tin - one more than nine • Iggs Ecktly - Precisely • Earplane - large flying machine • Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport • Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft • Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft +++++/////\\\\\+++++ My favourite ad lib unscripted riposte from years ago was on a radio quiz show. Selwyn Toogood making conversation with a Canadian girl, “So tell me what is a bison?” The Canadian without skipping a beat replied “something New Zealanders wash their face in” (pro.’fice’) +++++/////\\\\\+++++ Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Patrick: "What school?" +++++/////\\\\\+++++ I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship. +++++/////\\\\\+++++ Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn! +++++/////\\\\\+++++ “I always take my wife her morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No. She’d rather have it in a cup.” +++++/////\\\\\+++++ Q What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? A You can’t hear an enzyme. +++++/////\\\\\+++++ 8316 +++++/////\\\\\+++++ “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV” +++++/////\\\\\+++++ Everyone brings joy to this office. Some when they arrive others when they leave. +++++/////\\\\\+++++ An Aussie, a Kiwi and an American all entered a 50km swimming race. After 20kms the American gets tired and drops out. Then after 30kms the Aussie gets tired and drops out. After 40kms the Kiwi decides he can't finish the race, so he turns around and swims back to the start. +++++/////\\\\\+++++ A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone. • The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away. • The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it. • The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him. One year later, their doors are all unlocked. • The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning. • The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure. • When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself. To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?' +++++/////\\\\\+++++ Fred Gibbs was in his early 60's, retired and had started a second career in catering. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 2, 3, 5 minutes late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Steve into the office for a talk. Fred, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you're being late so often is quite a worry.' 'Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it.' replied Fred. 'I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?' 'They said, "Good morning, Admiral".' +++++/////\\\\\+++++ Last words … 8318 :D Single handedly responsible for so many young men doing things single handedly. ;) Hugh Hefner sparked my love of reading. :D I never bought one magazine, but lord knows I stole them. :lol: Now that Hugh Hefner has died, will he really be going to a better place? :D I hear Hugh Hefner died doing what he loved, which was smoking ground-up Cialis with a corncob pipe. :):) Cheers ... until next week	WalOne (4202)
1440043	2017-10-02 07:01:00	Apart from Fred becoming Steve briefly very good	gary67 (56)
1440044	2017-10-02 07:11:00	You’ll be fine,” the doctor said after finishing the young woman’s surgery. But, she asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?” The surgeon seemed to grimace and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek. The girl was alarmed. “What’s the matter doctor? I will be all right, won’t I?” He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no-one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”	tutaenui (1724)
1440045	2017-10-02 07:37:00	Apart from Fred becoming Steve briefly very good :eek: :badpc:	WalOne (4202)
1440046	2017-10-02 09:26:00	You know, of course, that I plagarise these jokes shamelessly... :( All in a good cause though! :)	R.M. (561)
1440047	2017-10-02 09:41:00	You know, of course, that I plagarise these jokes shamelessly... :( All in a good cause though! :) You don't think I wrote all those myself do you? I know I'm good but not that good ... And isn't imitation the sincerest form of flattery? Have at it, be my guest, and other aphorisms :lol:	WalOne (4202)
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