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Thread ID: 144334	2017-09-18 08:34:00	MONDAY LAUGHS ... Dame Judi Dench on erections	WalOne (4202)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1439284	2017-09-18 08:34:00	Here we go with yet another week of Monday Laughs :clap :clap When a slip of the tongue ended a scene Dame Judi Dench acted opposite her late husband, Michael Williams, in the 1970 Royal Shakespeare Company production of the Merchant of Venice . She was playing Portia, and he, Bassanio . All was going well when she slipped up on the lines: “I speak too long, 'tis bust to peize the time / To eke it, and to draw it out in length / To stay you from election . ” Except, instead of “election”, she said “erection” . Much corpsing ensued, as Dench recalled: “The band just put down their instruments and walked off, as did the monks, leaving Polly James to sing on her own . I have never been in such a state, and the scene had only just started . ” +++++\\\\\/////+++++ Still with elections … Until now, I thought the most tiresome political phrase was the insufferable “Let me be clear”, followed by a microsecond’s self-satisfied pause . That is intended to make only one thing clear – any deficit of clarity up to now has been your fault: you, the reader or TV audience or impertinent interviewer . Your irrelevant, low-IQ wittering isn’t letting them be clear so will you now shut up and “let” them be “clear”? +++++\\\\\/////+++++ Irish Wife At the 1998 World Women's Conference, the first speaker from New Zealand stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands . Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself . After the first day I saw nothing . After the second day I saw nothing . But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb . " The crowd cheered . The second speaker from Australia stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself . After the first day I saw nothing . After the second day I saw nothing . But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well . " The crowd cheered . The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself . After the first day I saw nothing . After the second day I saw nothing . But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye . " +++++\\\\\/////+++++ :) Time is what keeps things from happening all at once . :D Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math . :) If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried . :D Eat right . Stay fit . Die anyway . :) I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back . :D IRD: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got . +++++\\\\\/////+++++ The blind skydiver A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting . When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump . My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog . " "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked . "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered . "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked . He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack . " +++++\\\\\/////+++++ Half off these tickets A USA airline recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips . Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip . Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" +++++\\\\\/////+++++ Real flight announcements Occasionally, airline cabin crew make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining . Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft . . . " Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off . Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land . . . it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight aerodynamics . " And, after landing: "Thank you for flying [insert name of your least favourite airline] . We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride . " As the plane landed and was coming to a stop, a lone voice comes over the cabin PA system, "Whoa, big fella . WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during a blustery northerly at Wellington, a flight attendant announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted . " From another flight crew member . . . . "Welcome aboard this flight from Auckland to Sydney . To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight . It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised . In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling . Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face . If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs . If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more . Weather at our destination is 19 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive . Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than [insert name of your favourite airline] . " "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings . Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants . Please do not leave children or spouses . " "Last one off the plane must clean it . " And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry . . . Unfortunately none of them are on this flight . . . Heard just after a very hard landing in Wellington: the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what you’re thinking . I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault … it was the asphalt!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal . " After another crusher of a landing, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate . And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal . Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today . And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us . " +++++\\\\\/////+++++ Dealing with a lawyer An Auckland Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates . Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The legal eagle thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a dollar to a homeless person on the street . " Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true . Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven . " The Lawyer said, "Wait! Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a dollar . " Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified . Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 2 bucks and tell him to go to Hell . " Until next week :banana :):)	WalOne (4202)
1439285	2017-09-18 10:17:00	:banana :D:D	R2x1 (4628)
1439286	2017-09-19 00:01:00	Thanks very much, Wal. Another good selection.:D	Roscoe (6288)
1439287	2017-09-22 05:10:00	Great jokes.	Bobh (5192)
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