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Thread ID: 86346	2008-01-13 19:54:00	Monday Laughs - filling in for BBB	FoxyMX (5)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
630009	2008-01-13 19:54:00	Big Bruvver Billy is away on leave at the mo so I've been asked to fill in . Here's a random selection from my Inbox . Who can't relate to this one? :rolleyes: Twas The Month After Christmas 'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house, Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse . The cookies I'd nibbled, the chocolate I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist . When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber), I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared; T he gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please . " As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt . . . I said to myself, as I only can, "You can't spend a winter, disguised as a man!" So, away with the last of the sour cream dip . Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip . Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished . I won't have a cookie, not even a lick . I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick . I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie . I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry . I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore . . . But isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot . Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Half-Wit A man owned a small farm in Indiana . The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him . "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent . "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years . I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board . The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board . Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here . He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night . He also sleeps with my wife occasionally . " "That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent . "That would be me," replied the farmer . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Old Dog An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard . I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home . He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner . An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out . The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour . This continued for several weeks . Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap . " The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep . Can I come with him tomorrow?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Smart Blonde A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer . She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000 . The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce . The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out . The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan . The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan . An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there . Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $18 . 41 . The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled . While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire . What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $18 . 41 and expect it to be there when I return?" ***Finally . . . a smart blonde joke!*** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Wish for You in 2008 May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts . May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills . May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May your clothes smell of success like smoking tyres and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy . May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words . . . . . . . . . . . . May 2008 be the best year of your life!!!	FoxyMX (5)
630010	2008-01-13 20:18:00	SCHOOL 1957 vs . 2007 Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school . 1957 - Crowd gathers . Mark wins . Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates . 2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark . Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it . Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students . 1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good caning by the Principal . Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again . 2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin . Becomes a zombie . Tested for ADD . School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability . Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt . 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normally, goes to uni, and becomes a successful businessman . 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse . Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang . Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison . Billy's Mum has affair with psychologist . Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school . 1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal . 2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations . Car searched for drugs and weapons . Scenario: Pedro fails high school English . 1957 - Pedro gets extra tuition, passes English, goes to Uni . 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state . Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist . Class action lawsuit filed by anti discrimination commissioner against Education Dept and Pedro's English teacher . English banned from core curriculum . Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English . Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model aeroplane paint bottle, blows up an ant bed . 1957 - Ants die . 2007 - Local police & AFP called . Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, parents investigated, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again . Scenario: Johnny falls while running during morning tea and scrapes his knee . He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him . 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing . 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job . She faces 3 years in prison while Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy . :D	smithie 38 (6684)
630011	2008-01-13 22:22:00	1977-2007 1977 : Long hair 2007 : Longing for hair 1977: KEG 2007: EKG 1977 : Acid rock 2007 : Acid reflux 1977 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2007 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1977 : Seeds and stems 2007 : Roughage 1977 : Hoping for a BMW 2007: Hoping for a BM 1977 : Going to a new, hip joint 2007 : Receiving a new hip joint 1977 : Rolling Stones 2007: Kidney Stones 1977 : Screw the system 2007: Upgrade the system 1977 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1977 : Passing the drivers' test 2007: Passing the vision test	Marnie (4574)
630012	2008-01-15 01:17:00	A new Element! The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery in 2007 of the heaviest element yet known to science named Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.	B.M. (505)
630013	2008-01-16 04:07:00	THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007: Crack Found on Governor's Daughter Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Man Struck By Lightning: FacesBattery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors And the winner is . . . . Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead __________ NOD32 2794 (20080115) Information __________ This message was checked by NOD32 antivirus system . http://www . eset . com	Cicero (40)
630014	2008-01-16 04:10:00	For the ladies . . . . . FINALLY, the truth!!!! Eve and God EVE: 'I've got a problem . ' GOD: 'What's the problem, Eve?' EVE: 'I know that you created me and provided this Beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy . ' GOD: 'And why is that Eve?' EVE: 'I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples . ' GOD: 'Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution . I shall create a man for you . ' EVE: 'Man? What is that?' GOD: 'A flawed creature, with many bad traits . He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time . But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things . I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs . He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about . He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly . ' EVE: 'Sounds great,' but what's the catch?' GOD: 'Well . . . you can have him on one condition . ' EVE: 'And what's that, dear God? ' GOD: 'As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring . . . so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first . And it will have to be our little secret . . . you know, woman to woman . '	Cicero (40)
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