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Thread ID: 86549	2008-01-20 19:48:00	Monday Laughs - filling in for BBB	FoxyMX (5)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
632222	2008-01-20 19:48:00	Ahh - Senility An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years . He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% . The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect . Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again . " The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet . I just sit around and listen to the conversations . I've changed my will three times!" ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen . The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great . I would commend it very highly . " The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know . . . the one that's red and has thorns . " "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man . He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really . " "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well . " "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse . " "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know . " "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!" ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid . It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art . It's perfect . " "Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty . " ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Little Johnny Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods . Curious, Johnny followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace . Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother . "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane . I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt . Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane . . . . . . . . " At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time . I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight . " At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story . Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane . I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt . Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army . " Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Making Millions Happy Helen, Michael and Winston are flying to Auckland Helen looks at Michael, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 . 00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy . " Micheal shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 . 00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy . " Winston says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1 . 00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy . " The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, "Such Bigshots back there . . . . . I could throw all of them out the window and make millions happy . "	FoxyMX (5)
632223	2008-01-20 22:09:00	Voice Mail We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered, what if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this - "Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for requests. Press 2 for thanksgiving. Press 3 for complaints. Press 4 for all other inquiries." What if God used the familiar excuse, "I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received." Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call on God in prayer? If you would like to speak to God, Press 1 For Jesus, Press 2 For the Holy Spirit, Press 3 For Gabriel, press 4 For Michael, press 5 For a directory of other angels, press 6 If you'd like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you're on hold, press 7 To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, Press 9, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.) For reservations at My Father's House, press the letters J-O-H-N and then 3-1-6. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where Noah's ark is, please wait until you arrive here. Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. This office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday, after 9:30 a.m If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.	smithie 38 (6684)
632224	2008-01-20 22:11:00	A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." :lol: :lol: :lol:	rob_on_guitar (4196)
632225	2008-01-20 22:12:00	Brilliant Smithie!	wratterus (105)
632226	2008-01-20 22:36:00	Hi wratterus :thumbs: :thumbs: :thumbs: Smithie	smithie 38 (6684)
632227	2008-01-20 23:26:00	Here's a similar one to Smithie's: SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE This is the message that apparently a Secondary School staff in the Midlands voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school . It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and Parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework . The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children's failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages . The outgoing message: "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school . In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection: * To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 * To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work- Press 2 * To complain about what we do - Press 3 * To swear at staff members - Press 4 * To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several letters posted to you - Press 5 * If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6 * If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 * To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8 * To complain about bus transport - Press 9 * To complain about school lunches - Press 0 LASTLY: If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a really wonderful day! If you want this in other languages, you must be in the wrong country . This is England .	FoxyMX (5)
632228	2008-01-20 23:33:00	Obviously before the days of PC and very British The end-of-term school report has been the scourge of pupils throughout history . Peppered with euphemisms to inform parents that little Johnny or Joanna 'must try harder' (ie - is a workshy dunce), they are an amusing record of a misspent youth . So yesterday's announcement that they might be replaced with 'weekly online updates' is a blow to tradition . Here, to celebrate the dying art form, CLAIRE COHEN presents a selection of extracts from the school reports of the great and the good . WINSTON CHURCHILL,Prime Minister 1940-45, 1951-55 St George's School, Ascot: He has no ambition . If he were to exert himself he might yet be first at the end of term . Very truthful, but a regular 'pickle' in many ways at present . . . Is a constant trouble to everybody and is always in some scrape or other . He cannot be trusted to behave himself anywhere . Harrow: He is so regular in his irregularity that I really don't know what to do . He had such good abilities but these would be made useless by habitual negligence . Constantly late for school, losing his books and papers and various other things . JILLY COOPER, novelist . Godolphin School, Salisbury: Jilly has set herself an extremely low standard which she has failed to maintain . RICHARD BRIERS, actor . Rokeby School, Wimbledon, headmaster's report: It would seem that Briers thinks he is running the school and not me . If this attitude persists, one of us will have to leave . JEREMY PAXMAN, journalist and Newsnight presenter . Malvern, housemaster's report: Stubbornness is in his nature, and could be an asset when directed to sound ends . But his flying off the handle will only mar his efforts, and he must learn tact while not losing his outspokenness . JOAN COLLINS, actress . RADA: With so much in her favour the student is hampered by weakness of voice . She seems to lack the confidence to project and make the most of the voice she does possess . . . Otherwise it will be 'the films' for her, and that would be such a pity! STEPHEN FRY, comedian, playwright and novelist . Uppingham School . Headmaster's report: He has glaring faults and they have certainly glared at us this term . English: Bottom, rightly . Not a happy figure, I fear . (Fry was expelled from Uppingham in 1972 . ) ROBERT GRAVES, poet and novelist . Charterhouse, headmaster's report on his leaving in 1914: Well, goodbye, Graves and remember that your best friend is the wastepaper basket . JOHN LENNON, member of The Beatles . Quarry Bank School, Liverpool:Certainly on the road to failure . . . hopeless . . . rather a clown in class . . . wasting other pupils' time . On his leaving: I believe he is not beyond redemption and could really turn out a fairly responsible adult who might go far . DIANA, Princess of Wales . West Heath School, Kent: She must try to be less emotional in her dealings with others . DAME JUDI DENCH, actress . The Mount School, York: Judi would be a very good pupil if she lived in this world . MICHAEL WINNER, film director . St Christopher's School, Letchworth, aged 6: Michael has suddenly become a very noisy person and rather fancies himself as a humourist . His most popular asset is his love of storytelling, he does this chiefly at dinner time and there is a great demand to sit at his table . ERIC MORECAMBE, comedian . Lancaster Road Junior School, head: I hate to say this, but Eric will never get anywhere in life . BERYL BAINBRIDGE, novelist . Merchant Taylors, Crosby: English: Though her written work is the product of an obviously lively imagination, it is a pity that her spelling derives from the same source . Geography: Her knowledge of the subject is so poor as to make one wonder if she is simpleminded . IAN FLEMING, novelist and creator of James Bond . Sandhurst: Ought to make an excellent soldier, provided always that the ladies don't ruin him (Fleming had to leave Sandhurst when he contracted gonorrhea) . MICHAEL PALIN, writer and comedian, co-creator of Monty Python's Flying Circus . Shrewsbury School, headmaster's report: He is just a teeny bit pleased with himself - or so I am prepared to hazard . I have noticed a slightly put-on manner of affectation, perhaps a sort of aftermath of his fine performance in the school play . We're all for a bit of jollity and mild eye-flashing, but he must not try to get away altogether with this slightly facile manner . Has the makings of a splendid person . Let him ensure his foundations are thoroughly sound . ALAN COREN, journalist . East Barnet Grammar School: Physics: Coren's grasp of dynamics is truly astonishing . Had he lived in an earlier aeon, I have little doubt that the wheel would now be square . CAROL VORDERMAN, TV presenter, Countdown . Aged 8: Carol has a masterly hold over mathematical computation which should prove profitable later on . JON SNOW, journalist and broadcaster . St Edward's Oxford, Warden's report: The two things that are lacking, in my opinion, are the ability to concentrate and humility! He ought to be humble enough to realise that he is the bottom boy in the lowest stream and that this is certainly not the right place for a boy of his ability . P . G . WODEHOUSE, creator of Jeeves and Wooster . Dulwich College: Has the most distorted ideas about wit and humour: draws over his books and examination papers in the most distressing way and writes foolish rhymes in other people's books . Not withstanding, has a genuine interest in literature and can often talk with much enthusiasm and good sense about it . SUE LAWLEY, former presenter of Desert Island Discs . Dudley Girls' High School: Susan would do well not to distract friends during class . If she applied a quarter of the effort she puts into clowning, to her work, she could be quite brilliant . MARGARET THATCHER, Prime Minister 1979-90 . Kesteven and Grantham Girls' School: Her cheeriness makes her a very pleasant member of the form . Margaret is ambitious and deserves to do well . NORMAN WISDOM, comedian . Army Education Course report: The boy is every inch a fool, but luckily for him he's not very tall . ROY HUDD, entertainer . Croydon Secondary Technical School: Has a ragbag mind stuffed with information of no possible interest to anyone but himself . PETER USTINOV, actor, director, playwright . Westminster: Shows great originality, which must be curbed at all costs . DAVID OWEN, former joint leader of the Lib Dems . Mount House, headmaster's report: If I had to select an expedition to the South Pole he would be the first person I would choose . But I would make sure that he was not on the return journey!	Marnie (4574)
632229	2008-01-21 06:26:00	A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis." Misty :D	Misty (368)
632230	2008-01-21 09:56:00	School Answering Machine A few years back I worked in a school (I.T. job). It was proposed that we should have music for those on hold. My suggestion of the song "We don't need no education" was overruled by the Deputy Principal - reluctantly.	Mercury (1316)
632231	2008-01-21 23:02:00	Billy is back in town . :D Thanks Sis for looking after Monday Laughs while I was sunning myself (and occasionally working) in Oz . I'll have to go back and catch up on the new jokes . Speaking about jokes, pity about the cricket, I nearly cried laughing when India won . :lol: :lol: :lol: Tarzan meets Jane When Jane first met Tarzan, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex . "Tarzan not know sex," he replied, so Jane explained to him what sex was . Tarzan said, "Oh, . . . Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree . " Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, . . . but I will show you how to do it properly . " She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground . Pointing, she said "Here, you must put it in here . " Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity . Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What in the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replied "Check for squirrel . " And as a follow-up: iSex, ( . jibjab . com/view/223119" target="_blank">www . jibjab . com) is there nothing that Steve Jobs won't take all the fun out of? Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
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