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Thread ID: 87522	2008-02-24 21:22:00	Monday Laughs: Benefits of Retirement! .............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
643279	2008-02-26 03:05:00	'The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.' Anonymous 'I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.' Charles Lamb. 'When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.' R C Sherriff. 'Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.' Will Rogers, Autobiography, 1949. 'It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.' Scott Elledge. 'When one door closes, another one opens, but we often look so long and regretfully at the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.' Alexander Graham Bell. 'Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then this parting was well made.' William Shakespeare. 'Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time.' - Malcolm Muggeridge 'A man is known by the company that keeps him on after retirement age.' - Anon 'There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!' — Groucho Marx 'I've lit the blue touch paper and found there's nowhere to retire to.' - Doctor Who __________________________________________________ __________________ Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself: I decide to water my garden.retirement jokes and signs As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my chequebook off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered. I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.	wratterus (105)
643280	2008-02-26 21:48:00	The Original Has pictures, But alas - cant insert here ( Damn) A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... >>>> >>>> >>>> "CELEBRATE !!!" :D	wainuitech (129)
643281	2008-02-26 21:54:00	ROFL :lol: :lol: :lol: :D Thats a good one.	wratterus (105)
643282	2008-11-22 08:47:00	Celebate?	Blam (54)
643283	2008-11-22 08:48:00	Remember the I instead of E rule ? Celibate. Not a party matter.	R2x1 (4628)
643284	2008-11-22 20:20:00	Just for you Rosso. Although I think PJ may have done this in Wanga..... 'Fraid not. Our stream is too deep & too wide. PJ :)	Poppa John (284)
643285	2008-11-22 23:21:00	This thread is 9 months old for the record. It was opened by a retirement scheme scammer.	Thebananamonkey (7741)
643286	2008-11-23 00:31:00	THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job . The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo . ' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job . His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it . After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day . How much was the sale for?' '£124,237 . 64p . ' The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237 . 64!! What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod . ' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down south, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat . ' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4 . The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me . . . a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' 'No, no, no . . . He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said . . . 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing . '	Cicero (40)
643287	2008-11-23 00:32:00	The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.	Cicero (40)
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