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Thread ID: 87522	2008-02-24 21:22:00	Monday Laughs: Benefits of Retirement! .............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
643269	2008-02-24 21:22:00	A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida adult community. A man walked over and sat down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "No, I lived here years ago." "So, where were you all these years?" "In prison," he says. "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." "Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Another two elderly people living in Clearwater Assisted Living, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her "Will you marry me ?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered "Yes, Yes, I will!" The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With some trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to, then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say No"? He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A man was telling his neighbour in Sun City Center , "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Maurice, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at the local Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor saw Maurice again and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" Maurice replied. To which doctor replied, "I didn't say that, Maurice. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!" Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
643270	2008-02-24 22:06:00	"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee. " :D	smithie 38 (6684)
643271	2008-02-24 22:18:00	THE AGING PROCESS By George Carlin Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're 'gonna' be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .......... YOU BECOME 21 ... YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 ...and your dreams are gone. But wait, you MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas! It's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one!! And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it (healthily) to 100 and a half!! ************************************* WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET OLDER My forgetter's getting better But my rememberer is broke. To you that may seem funny but, to me, that is no joke. For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there." And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain; A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away Ask myself "who the hell was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke.	johcar (6283)
643272	2008-02-24 23:40:00	Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to Worthing and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a ****head . He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't give a **** we travel to town and back home on the bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age	Cicero (40)
643273	2008-02-24 23:56:00	Young lad walking home from the (Catholic) church came across a friend of his, also walking home from the (Anglican) church . They both walked until they came to a stream they had to ford, but the overnight rain had swollen the stream to a depth of half a metre . "My Mum will be very annoyed if I get my dress wet - it will be ruined!" "I will get a tanned backside if I get my suit wet . What will we do?" "Why don't we take our clothes off, cross the stream and get dressed on the other side?" Carrying their clothes above their head they crossed the stream and while they were waiting for the sun to dry them the young lad remarked, "I did not know there was that much difference between Catholics and Anglicans!":blush: Cissy: Loved it! I do enjoy thinking about doing something like that!:D	Roscoe (6288)
643274	2008-02-25 00:27:00	Young lad walking home from the (Catholic) church came across a friend of his, also walking home from the (Anglican) church . They both walked until they came to a stream they had to ford, but the overnight rain had swollen the stream to a depth of half a metre . "My Mum will be very annoyed if I get my dress wet - it will be ruined!" "I will get a tanned backside if I get my suit wet . What will we do?" "Why don't we take our clothes off, cross the stream and get dressed on the other side?" Carrying their clothes above their head they crossed the stream and while they were waiting for the sun to dry them the young lad remarked, "I did not know there was that much difference between Catholics and Anglicans!":blush: Cissy: Loved it! I do enjoy thinking about doing something like that!:D Just for you Rosso . Although I think PJ may have done this in Wanga . . . . .	Cicero (40)
643275	2008-02-25 00:30:00	Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to Worthing and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a ****head . He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't give a **** we travel to town and back home on the bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age :lol::lol:	beeswax34 (63)
643276	2008-02-25 01:00:00	Found another one: Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the lamp post. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11.Accidents in the back seat cause...kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? 16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.	johcar (6283)
643277	2008-02-25 07:16:00	Just for you Rosso. Although I think PJ may have done this in Wanga..... What??. Have I missed something?? PJ	Poppa John (284)
643278	2008-02-25 07:48:00	What??. Have I missed something?? PJ This PJ is of what I speak. Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to Worthing and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a ****head . He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't give a **** we travel to town and back home on the bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age	Cicero (40)
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