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Thread ID: 87334	2008-02-17 19:10:00	Monday Laughs: Of matters risque.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
641212	2008-02-17 19:10:00	A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So, the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there" ....and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, ten million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami and London, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over eighty million dollars in my personal bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back." ****************************** A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. The waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage always to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say. ****************************** A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new girls, same old customers, hi Keith." Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
641213	2008-02-17 23:20:00	"New house, new madam, new girls, same old customers, hi Keith." :lol::lol::lol::lol:	qazwsxokmijn (102)
641214	2008-02-17 23:26:00	:lol::lol::lol::lol: x2	wratterus (105)
641215	2008-02-17 23:36:00	:lol::lol::lol::lol: X3 :lol: Caught!	Erayd (23)
641216	2008-02-18 06:40:00	:lol::lol::lol::lol: x4 :lol: Whoops...	beeswax34 (63)
641217	2008-02-18 07:18:00	Giving sad news to a troop The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. From: www.worldcommunitygrid.org	Renmoo (66)
641218	2008-02-18 23:02:00	Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic:.... . Cost - $29.99 Clinton:.... . Cost - $29.99 Titanic:.... . Over 7 hours to read Clinton:.... Over 7 hours to read Titanic:.... . The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton:.... . The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic:.... . Jack is a starving artist. Clinton:.... . Bill is a bull**** artist. Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton:.... Ditto for Bill. Titanic:.... . During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton:.... . Ditto for Monica. Titanic:.... . Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton:.... . Let's not go there. Titanic:.... . Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton:.... Monica's forced to return her gifts. Titanic:.... . Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton:.... . Clinton doesn't remember Jack. Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton:.... . Monica...ooh, let's not go there either. Titanic:.... . Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton:.... . Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing	wainuitech (129)
641219	2008-02-18 23:05:00	Hehehe great one Wainui! :thumbs: :lol:	wratterus (105)
641220	2008-02-19 01:43:00	Subject: MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN On a Nationwide flight to Johannesburg, a plane passes through a severe storm . The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning . One woman in particular loses it . Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane . "I'm too young to die," she wails . Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence . Everyone has forgotten their own peril . They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane . Then a farmer from the Free State stands up in the rear of the plane . He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes . He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt . One button at a time . . . . . . . . No one moves . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . He removes his shirt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tanned Muscles ripple across his chest . . . . . . . . . . She gasps . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . He whispers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Iron this . . . then get me a beer . "	R2x1 (4628)
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