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Thread ID: 87758	2008-03-03 03:01:00	Monday Laughs: Four for luck.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
645771	2008-03-03 03:01:00	A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee, while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees . The ladies are taking their time . When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet . She goes over and whiffs it completely . Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet . She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those &*%#ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help . " One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it . You should have taken golf lessons instead!" He never even had a chance to duck . ******************************* Norm the Sailor . . . . . . . Norm, an elderly retired Sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, just for old times sake . He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room . He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well Norm, old sailor, you're doing about three knots . " "Three knots?" he asks . "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back . " ******************************* No SEX since 1955 A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college . There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation . "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man . Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am . Just serious by nature . " The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action . " "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action . " The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little . Relax and enjoy yourself . " The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner . Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am . " "Well, there you are . You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times . Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955 . " The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now . " ******************************* "Tiger wouldn't do that!" A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin . " The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age . " The wife continues, "Yeah, I guess, and anyway I've only been with one guy . " "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods . " "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah . " "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome . I can see why you went to bed with him . " The husband and wife then make passionate love . When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone . "What are you doing?" asks the wife . The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat . " "Tiger wouldn't do that . " "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time . " The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time . When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone . "Now what are you doing?" she asks . The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat . " "Tiger wouldn't do that . " "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again . " The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time . When they finish he's tired and beat . He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial . The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods . " "What for?" the wife asks . "To find out what the par is for this damn hole . " Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
645772	2008-03-03 03:06:00	And indeed four good ones! :lol:	Richard (739)
645773	2008-03-03 03:17:00	Here's my addition for the week Billy :D New Words for 2008 * SALAD DODGER . An excellent phrase for an overweight person . * SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person . * TESTICULATING . Waving your arms around and talking bollocks . * BLAMESTORMING . Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a Project failed, and who was responsible . * SEAGULL MANAGER . A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves . * ASSMOSIS . The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard . * SALMON DAY . The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die . * CUBE FARM . An office filled with cubicles . * PRAIRIE DOGGING . When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on . (This also applies to appl au se for a promotion bec au se there may be cake . ) * SITCOMs . Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage . What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business" . * SINBAD . Single working girls . Single income, no boyfriend and desperate . * AEROPLANE BLONDE . One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box' . * PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE . The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again . * ADMINISPHERE . The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file . Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve . This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes . * GOING FOR A McSh1t . Entering a fast food rest au rant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog . (Loo) If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McSh1t with Lies . * 404 . Someone who's clueless . From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located . * AUSSIE KISS . Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under . * OH - NO SECOND . That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made a BIG mistake (e . g . you've hit 'reply all') . * GREYHOUND . A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare . * JOHNNY-NO-STARS . A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger rest au rant . The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to show their level of training . * MILLENNIUM DOMES . The contents of a Wonderbra, i . e . extremely impressive when viewed from The outside, but there's actually n au ght in there worth seeing . * MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: " Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa! " . * MYSTERY BUS . The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in . * MYSTERY TAXI . The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead . * BEER COAT . The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am . * BEER COMPASS . The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from . * BREAKING THE SEAL . Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking . After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night . * TART FUEL . Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women . * PICASSO BUM . A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got 4 buttocks	nofam (9009)
645774	2008-03-03 03:20:00	And indeed four good ones! :lol: :thumbs:	wratterus (105)
645775	2008-03-03 03:26:00	A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?" The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth. A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says. He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away. A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him. "Mister," she says, "Have you ever been screwed?" "No," he says with a hopeful grin. "Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."	bob_doe_nz (92)
645776	2008-03-03 03:52:00	The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, “Hello . ” “Mrs . Ward, please . ” “Speaking . ” “Mrs . Ward, this is Dr . Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory . When your doctor sent your husband’s biopsy to the lab yesterday, another biopsy from another Mr . Ward arrived as well, and we are uncertain which one is your husband’s . Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible . ” “What do you mean?” Mrs . Ward asks nervously . “Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIDS . We can’t tell which one is your husband’s . ” That’s dreadful! Can’t you do the test again?” “Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time . ” “Well, what am I supposed to do now?” “The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town . If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him . ” ************************************************** *** A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products . At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples . The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise . "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide . "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple . " Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured . The machine makes a "Hiss . Hiss . Hiss . Hiss-pop" noise . "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour . "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide . It pokes a hole in every fourth condom . " "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!" "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!" :D	smithie 38 (6684)
645777	2008-03-03 18:26:00	Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty." Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It'd be so great. When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It'll be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please." Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn't mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while. "Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What's left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms." :D	SKT174 (1319)
645778	2008-03-03 19:14:00	An older lady gets pulled over for speeding . . . Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding . Older Woman: Oh, I see . Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one . Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving . Officer: I see . . . Can I see your vehicle registration papers please . Older Woman: I can't do that . Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car . Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner . Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see . The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up . Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car . A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun . Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle . Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner . Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please . The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk . Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers . The officer is quite stunned . Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license . The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer . The officer examines the license . He looks quite puzzled . Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner . Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too . Don't Mess With Old Ladies	Cicero (40)
645779	2008-03-03 19:18:00	^ First one to do that irl and get away with it gets a cookie. Seriously, that's genius :lol:	--Wolf-- (128)
645780	2008-03-03 19:20:00	:lol: I have got to try that one day!! :D ^^^	wratterus (105)
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