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Thread ID: 145476	2017-11-13 09:01:00	Monday laughs ... Singing (and more) in the shower, God Damn Ham, and more Bullsh*t	WalOne (4202)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1441895	2017-11-13 09:01:00	Well, it's me again, with yet another superb (yeah, right) collection of jokes . :banana :D:D Sadly, the site is still malfunctioning and still won't allow me to post any of the images, cartoons, and music clips I'd planned . Sorry people, but they'll have to wait until PCWorld Chat comes up with a fix :) For those who only ever look at the pictures, tough :D In the meantime, strap yourselves in and here goes . . . +++++<<<<<>>>>>+++++ The Scientist and the Frog Once there was a scientist who studied frogs . On day one of his latest experiment, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump . The frog jumped four feet . So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet . " Next, the scientist cut amputated one of the frog’s legs . The scientist told the frog to jump . The frog jumped three feet . So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet . " The scientist cuts off another leg . Again, he tells the frog to jump . The frog jumped two feet . So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet . " The scientist cut off one more leg and told the frog to jump . Frog jumped one foot . So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot . " So the scientist cuts off his last leg, saying, "Frog jump . Frog jump . FROG JUMP!" The scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf . " +++++<<<<<>>>>>+++++ Singing (and more) in the shower … Over lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower . Only ten percent of them sing . " "Really?" Her friend said, looking slightly shocked . The therapist nodded . "And do you know what song they sing?" The friend shook her head . The therapist said, "I didn't think so . " +++++<<<<<>>>>>+++++ Crime Watchers I A woman rings the police to ask if any lunatic has escaped from the asylum in the past week . "No, why?" says the person in charge . "Someone's run off with my husband . " +++++<<<<<>>>>>+++++ More BS Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy . " "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" suggested the bull . "They're packed with nutrients . " The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree . The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch . Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree . Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree . The moral of the story is: bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there . +++++<<<<<>>>>>+++++ Crime watchers II One night a man stumbled into the local cop shop with a black eye . He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate . The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold . An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned a few hours later with a black eye . "Did you get hit by the same person?" his sergeant asked . "No," he replied . "I stepped on the same rake . " +++++<<<<<>>>>>+++++ God damn ham … One day the vicar's wife went to the local butcher shop looking to buy some meat for the family dinner . She asked the butcher what was his choice of the day . The butcher said " I recommend the "God Damn Ham” . The vicar's wife turned bright red and replied "I am a vicar’s wife, how can you say such things to me!” "No, no” said the butcher hastily, “the name of the ham is "God Damn Ham” . " Oh well then, that’s OK, thought the wife and says “I'll take a nice big piece . ” The vicar arrives home and asks "Hi sweetie, what's for dinner?" His wife promptly replies "God Damn Ham . " "My dear, how can you say such a thing when you’re the wife of a man of the cloth?" "No! No!," exclaims his wife, "the name of the ham is "God Damn Ham . " The vicar calms down then and prepares for the family dinner . At dinner the family – the vicar, wife, son and daughter all sit down for the family dinner . The vicar says a blessing for the evening meal, finishing with "Amen . Sweetie, pass me the God Damn Ham . " At that the teenage son's eyes light up and slapping the vicar on the back says “That’s the spirit, dad, now just pass the f*****g potatoes!" +++++<<<<<>>>>>+++++ A tale of forgetfulness … A local kiwi cocky, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face . "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought our hero as he crawled outside . He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud . "Screw it," he thought . "I'll just crawl home . " The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep . "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said . "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly . "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again . " +++++<<<<<>>>>>+++++ A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog . They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic . This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down . The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a biscuit out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog . A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, is incredulous and asks the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a biscuit? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his arse . " +++++<<<<<>>>>>+++++ A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend . They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings . Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver . The best friend listens, hearing only her side of the conversation … "Hello? Oh, hi . . . I'm so glad that you called . . . Really? That's wonderful . . . . Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time . . . Oh, that sounds terrific . . . Thanks . Okay . Bye bye . " She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you . " +++++<<<<<>>>>>+++++ Another tale of randiness … Came the day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farm . In order to do this he needed a stud rooster . He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a neighbouring town . His name was Randy . The farmer went to the neighbouring town and met with Randy's owner . The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price . After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy . When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself . The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild . Feathers were flying everywhere and Randy was servicing every hen in the hen house . The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace . The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals . The farmer was outraged . "Randy" he said, "You can't possibly last at this pace . " "Slow down, I need you for a long time . " It was only the next day when the inevitable happened . Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming . Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer . The farmer watched his dying investment and then went up to Randy and said "How could you? I asked you to pace yourself and now you're a spent force . " Slowly, Randy opened one eye and pointed to the sky saying "Shh . . . they're getting closer . " +++++<<<<<>>>>>+++++ Until next week, cheers . Don't forget - if you know of a good joke, share it with us and add it to the post :clap:clap:clap	WalOne (4202)
1441896	2017-11-13 17:44:00	Thanks	gary67 (56)
1441897	2017-11-14 20:34:00	A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that strange hat you are wearing?" The father said, "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert, it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun." "And what is this clothing you are wearing?” asked the boy. “This long flowing robe seems so…” “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father. “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body,” The son then asked, "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?" "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied "You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These 'babouches' keep us from burning our feet." "So tell me then," added the boy.. "Yes, my son…" "Why are we living in South London, and still you are wearing all this sh.t?	B.M. (505)
1441898	2017-11-14 21:48:00	8410 It works! Thanks to Jen who steered me in the right direction to change some of my browser settings, I can now resume posting cartoons and videos ... :banana:banana:banana	WalOne (4202)
1441899	2017-11-15 09:13:00	Sorry to say it Wal, but those were some of the lousiest jokes you ever gave us.	Greg (193)
1441900	2017-11-15 09:21:00	Thanks Greg. I always ask people to contribute new jokes. Where's yours? :)	WalOne (4202)
1441901	2017-11-15 09:43:00	Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? -Groucho Marx Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. -Groucho Marx Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me? -Groucho Marx Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough. -Groucho Marx Room service? Send up a larger room. -Groucho Marx >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<+|+>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. John Adams >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<+|+>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< The whole drama of the world is such tragedy that I am weary of the spectacle. John Adams	R2x1 (4628)
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