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Thread ID: 145429 2017-10-30 22:37:00 MONDAY LAUGHS ... a lost Hamilton cat, jokes for Her (and Him), and Victor Borge WalOne (4202) PC World Chat
Post ID Timestamp Content User
1441384 2017-10-30 22:37:00 Good moaning troops . . . here we go with another serving of funnies, jokes with whiskers, and even more in questionable taste
:banana
:D:D

8387

Cat with long ears? …
if the SPCA can’t get it right, who can?

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Darwin Award contenders …

:waughh: This bloke modified the electronics on a vape causing the lithium battery to explode in the front pocket of his pants resulting in an extremely severe burn . . . including his hand completely below the wrist, since it was in his pocket . Had his pants been a little baggier or his pocket been a little deeper, his 'boys' would have been thoroughly roasted and/or detached .

:eek: Another arrived at the ER after he ate a few pounds of cherries without spitting the stones so he had to be operated on to get them out . The Resident came to see the X-ray while the man was being prepared for surgery and said 'good thing he didn't eat the peaches' .

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Somewhere over the rainbow

:) Winter Monday morning blues instantly dissolved in Perth

Watch here ( . youtube . com/watch?time_continue=11&v=xctzp0dp9uc" target="_blank">www . youtube . com)

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Victor Borge Classic

“I wonder what you’re going to sing for us tonight? Something not too long I hope?’

Caro nome from Rigoletto ( . youtube . com/watch?v=QMKIE8vjBQI" target="_blank">www . youtube . com)

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A husband from Microsoft

Three women are sitting in a bar talking about their love lives .

The first one says, "My husband is an architect . When we make
love it has power, it has form, it has function . It's incredible!"

The second one says, "My husband is an artist . When we make
love it has passion, it has emotion, it has vision . It's wonderful!"

The third woman sighs and sips her margarita, then says,

"My husband works for Microsoft . When we make love,
he just sits at the end of the bed and tells me
how great it's going to be when it gets here . "

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HEY KIWI JOKERS

:banana An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand arrives at a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog . He figures he'll have a little fun . . .

Ventriloquist: "Hey, good looking dog, mate . Mind if I speak to him?"
Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie . "
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright . "
Kiwi: “WTF?”
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi bloke your owner?"
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good . He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play . "
Kiwi: “WTF?”
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Horse doesn't talk either . "
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool . "
Kiwi: “WTF?”
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner? "
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking . He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements . "
Kiwi: “WTF
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: "The sheep lies . "

+++++<<<<>>>>+++++

I’ll probably have to hand in my man card for this:

100 reasons we‘re glad to be MEN

1 . Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat .
2 . Movie nudity is virtually always female .
3 . You know stuff about tanks .
4 . A five day vacation requires only one suitcase .
5 . Monday Night Football .
6 . You don't have to monitor your friend's sex lives .
7 . Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter .
8 . You can open all your own jars .
9 . Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight .
10 . Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind .
11 . When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every
shot of someone crying .
12 . Your ass is never a factor in a job interview .
13 . All your orgasms are real .
14 . A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex .
15 . Guys in hockey masks don't attack you .
16 . You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go .
17 . You understand why "Stripes" is funny .
18 . You can go to the bathroom without a support group .
19 . Your last name stays put .
20 . You can leave a hotel bed unmade .
21 . When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone
secretly hates you .
22 . You can kill your own food .
23 . The garage is all yours .
24 . You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness .
25 . You see the humor in Terms of Endearment .
26 . Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow .
27 . You never have to clean the toilet .
28 . You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes .
29 . Sex means never worrying about your reputation .
30 . Wedding plans take care of themselves .
31 . If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend .
32 . Your underwear costs $10 for a three-pack .
33 . The National College Cheerleading Championship
34 . None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry .
35 . You don't have to shave below your neck .
36 . You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite .
37 . If you're 34 and single nobody notices .
38 . You can write your name in the snow .
39 . You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest .
40 . Everything on your face stays its original color .
41 . Chocolate is just another snack .
42 . You can be president .
43 . You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passengerseat .
44 . Flowers fix everything .
45 . You never have to worry about other people's feelings .
46 . You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours .
47 . You can wear a white shirt to a water park .
48 . Three pair of shoes are more than enough .
49 . You can eat a banana in a hardware store .
50 . You can say anything and not worry about what people think .
51 . Foreplay is optional .
52 . Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe .
53 . Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room .
54 . You can whip your shirt off on a hot day .
55 . You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by .
56 . You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid .
57 . Car mechanics tell you the truth .
58 . You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut .
59 . You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without
even thinking "He must be mad at me"
60 . The world is your urinal .
61 . You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is
about to leave you .
62 . You get to jump up and slap stuff .
63 . Hot wax never comes near your pubic area .
64 . One mood, all the time .
65 . You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
like him .
66 . You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just to skeevy .
67 . You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle .
68 . You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing .
69 . Same work . . . . more pay .
70 . Gray hair and wrinkles add character .
71 . You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment .
72 . Wedding Dress $2000 Tux rental $100 .
73 . You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back .
74 . With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
population in 15 tries, at
least in theory .
75 . You don't mooch off others' desserts .
76 . If you retain water, it's in a canteen .
77 . The remote is your's and your's alone .
78 . People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them .
79 . ESPN's sports center .
80 . You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift .
81 . Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers .
82 . You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother .
83 . You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked .
84 . You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom .
85 . If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
your friends you've changed .
86 . Someday you'll be a 33 YEAR OLD dirty old man .
87 . You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "**** it!"
88 . If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might
become lifelong buddies .
89 . Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary .
90 . The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected .
91 . You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in
the mood .
92 . You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny .
93 . If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer
and throw it across the room .
94 . New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet .
95 . Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind .
96 . You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries .
97 . Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them .
98 . Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So . . . notice
anything different?"
99 . Baywatch
100 . There is always a game on somewhere .

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Royal Navy Reports

Here’s some excerpts from actual Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity .
* I would not breed from this officer .
* He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction .
* He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle .
* This young lady has delusions of adequacy .
* This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from
port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar .
* Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig .
* He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them .
* He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age .
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap .
* This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot .

:):):)

Heard a good one lately? Please share it and post it to this thread :clap

Cheers - until next week 		WalOne (4202)
1441385 2017-10-31 00:33:00 Nice ones Wal.... Borge is a real blast!!!

Ken :) 		kenj (9738)
1441386 2017-10-31 05:34:00 www.youtube.com

Ken 		kenj (9738)
1441387 2017-11-01 22:32:00 That cat has long ears. Bobh (5192)
1441388 2017-11-02 05:46:00 This past weekend, a couple was issued a citation for performing oral sex during a flight to New York from Los Angeles.

The person who was most angered was the center seat passenger. 		SurferJoe46 (51)
1441389 2017-11-02 05:47:00 duplicate - redacted. SurferJoe46 (51)
1441390 2017-11-02 06:02:00 Civilization in 2017!!!
*
*
� Our Phones - Wireless
� Cooking - Fireless
� Cars - Keyless
� Food - Fatless
� Tires -Tubeless
� Youth -* Jobless
� Leaders - Shameless
� Relationships - Meaningless
� Attitudes - Careless
� Babies - Fatherless
� Feelings -* Heartless
� Education - Valueless
� Children – Mannerless
*
We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!
I'm* scared - Shitless! 		B.M. (505)
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