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Thread ID: 145370	2017-10-16 02:47:00	MONDAY LAUGHS ... Three Mices, Blonde jokes and Little Johnny	WalOne (4202)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1440758	2017-10-16 02:47:00	Once more it's that time of the week :banana Three mice are sitting around . . . drinking and boasting about their strengths . As mices/mouses do . The first mouse says "Mouse traps, ha! I do pushups with the bar" . The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin "Grade A Rat Poison" . The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table and starts to leave . The first mouse says, "Where do you think you're going?” "Time to go home and chase the cat . ” +++++<<<>>>+++++ :) Love is the answer but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions Woody Allen :nerd: Marriage has no guarantees . If that’s what you’re looking for go live with a car battery Erma Bombeck :eek: I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room . I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years Victoria Wood :banana When my wife and I argue we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then roll out our greatest hits Frank Skinnner :( I wanted wine, women and song . I got a drunk woman singing Simon Munnery :lol: I was very naive sexually . My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I went off to Africa for six months Hayley Ellis +++++<<<>>>+++++ A blonde takes her typewriter to the doctor . "Doc, I'm afraid my typewriter is pregnant . " "Why in the world would you think that?" the doctor asks . "Because it's started missing its period . " +++++<<<>>>+++++ How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day? Give her a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat . " +++++<<<>>>+++++ The blonde driving home from work sees a sheep farm . She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep . The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep correctly I'll let you have any one you want . " The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep . " The farmer exclaims, "Wow -- you're exactly right . I guess blondes really aren't dumb . Now go pick yourself out a sheep . " The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him . "Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one . " "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted . " "But ma'am, that's my dog . " 8343 Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling . She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today . " The first student raised her hand to volunteer . "Marcy," the teacher said . "You may go first . " Marcy replied, "My father is a banker . B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny . " The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?" Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker . B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie . " "Very good," the teacher told Kevin . Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant . A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no . . . " Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while . When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again . Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher . The teacher called on little Johnny to go next . Johnny said, "My father is a bookie . B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant . " +++++<<<>>>+++++ Daughter: “Mother, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?” Mom: “No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!“ +++++<<<>>>+++++ My wife and I went to the A & P Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at were the breeding bulls . We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs . . . . . Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week" . We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! . . . . . . . . . . You could learn a lot from him" . We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, “That’s once a day . . You could REALLY learn something from this one" . I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow" . My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery . +++++<<<>>>+++++ Why are the blinds drawn . . . As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street", the doctor replied . "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure . " +++++<<<>>>+++++ The new lawyer . . . Fred grew up in a small country town, then moved away to attend university and law school . He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town . He really wanted to impress everyone . He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first . Then, he saw a man coming up the pathway to his door . He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived . As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone . He motioned the man in, all the while talking . . . "No . Absolutely not . You tell those clowns in Wellington that I won't settle this case for less than one million . . . " "Yes . The Supreme Court has agreed to hear that case next week . I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support . . . " "Okay . Tell the Crown Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details . . . " This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes . All the while the man sat patiently as Fred rattled instructions . Finally, Fred put down the phone and turned to his visitor . "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy . What can I do for you?" "I'm from Spark” the visitor says . . . I’m here to hook up your landline . " +++++<<<>>>+++++ The Wit of Dorothy Parker Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) was an American writer, critic, and wit; a member of the famed Algonquin Round Table; a writer for New Yorker magazine; an early television personality; and a wonderfully sharp-tongued observer of the human condition . The now-famous New Yorker magazine was launched in 1925 by Harold Ross on a very tight budget . The magazine's finances were so bad that even the simplest equipment was in short supply . One day, Editor Harold Ross complained to Dorothy for being late on a story assignment . Her reply? "Someone else was using the pencil . " :p While on her honeymoon, Dorothy Parker was interrupted by her New Yorker editor Harold Ross, who was asking after a late book review . "Too ****ing busy," Parker replied, "and vice versa . " :p At a party, an arrogant young man told Parker, as he looked around the room at the guests, "I'm afraid I simply cannot bear fools . " "How odd," Parker replied . "Your mother could, apparently . " :p Parker was not fond of Clare Boothe Luce . A friend tried to convince her of Luce's qualities, telling her that for instance, Luce is "very kind to her inferiors . " "Oh?" Parker replied . "Where does she find them?" :p And my own favorite Parker quote: for her review of a novel by Italian dictator Benito Mussolini, Parker wrote "This is not a book to be cast aside lightly . It should be hurled with great force . " 8344 +++++<<<>>>+++++ Until next week . . . But in the meantime, if anyone has a joke they'd like to share please feel free to contribute . :banana :D:D	WalOne (4202)
1440759	2017-10-16 06:29:00	There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday'. 'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'	tutaenui (1724)
1440760	2017-10-17 07:06:00	Long story, short laugh. But a good one nonetheless.	Greg (193)
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