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Thread ID: 88130	2008-03-16 09:36:00	Monday Laughs: St Patrick's Day Special.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
649896	2008-03-16 09:36:00	There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession . Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned . " The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven . " The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times . " The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice . " The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face . " ********************************************** Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company . One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead . Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church . But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe . Maybe they'll do something for the creature . " Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father . Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? ********************************************** An elderly man walks into a confessional . The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren . Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times . " Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish . " Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody . " ********************************************** An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet . "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks . The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds . " When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds! "Why, that's amazing !" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The Irishman nodded . . . "I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day . " "From hunger, you mean ?" "No, from all that turrible skippin' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ********************************************** Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something . I have found that we have a case of gonorrhea in the convent . " "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back . "I'm so sick and tired of Chardonnay . " ********************************************** On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a Petrol station in a remote part of part of the countryside . The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is . "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant . Tiger nods a quick "Hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle . As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground . "What are dose?, asks the attendant . "They're called tees," replies Tiger . "Well, what on the good God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman . "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger . "Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting . . . " ************************ After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough as they couldn't afford a larger bed, so the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children . The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive . However, a less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10 . The husband said to the doctor, "Bejasus Doc, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem . " "Trust me" said the doctor, "it will do the job" . So, the man bought the largest cracker he could find, went home, lit it and put it in a beer can . He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," then he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand . This contraception method also works in Australia ************************ The Irish Virgin! In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady; a virgin and very proud of it . Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements . As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN" Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, but a few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen . He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone . For days, he agonised over the dilemma . But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem . The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it reads as follows: "RETURNED UNOPENED " Cheers Billy 8-{) :) And a happy St Patrick's Day to ye all . . . . .	Billy T (70)
649897	2008-03-16 10:05:00	:lol: awesome But its not Monday yet...	beeswax34 (63)
649898	2008-03-16 10:31:00	You heard about the shipwrecked Irishman? He was rescued by the Titanic.	Greg (193)
649899	2008-03-16 16:22:00	Paddy was standin' on a bus stop in Belfast and it was one of the coldest and windiest days in recent history . Next to him was a tiny little Nun, all shiverin' with the cold blowing up under her skirts and just as she swooned, Paddy swept her up in his arms and lookin' for a warm place to assist the little Nun, he spies a pub a door or two away . Carryin' her into the pub, he says: "I hope that yer don't mind being taken into a pub to warm yer up, little sister . . . . " She whispers: "Not 'tall, but please carry me to a back table so's no-one would see a sister of the cloth sitting in a pub" . And takin' her to the rearmost table, he sets her down and asks if t'would be OK if he gets her a little Irish whiskey to warm up 'er innards: "Not at all, but please have the barkeep put it into a paper cup so's no-one would know that a nun is drinkin' whiskey in a pub with a man" . "OK" he says and goes up to the bartender and asks for a double shot of his finest Irish whiskey and a second double of the same but in a paper cup this time . With that, the barkeeper looks up and asks: "Is that little Nun in here agin?"	SurferJoe46 (51)
649900	2008-03-16 18:29:00	Those are good:D It's my father's birthday today, he's 91 and everyone knows him as Pat, even though he was christened as Winston (my grandparents were great admirer's of Winston Churchill - even before achieving undying fame in WWII). I'll go through to New Plymouth to visit him, this afternoon, he'll enjoy that. But an hour after I leave he'll have forgotten all about it.	jcr1 (893)
649901	2008-03-16 19:29:00	A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spent only $150.00?" The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."	smithie 38 (6684)
649902	2008-03-16 19:52:00	Geez Billy, I think it might be time to clear out your stash of jokes . I am sure you have posted most of those here at least twice in the past . :p Just to continue the tradition here's another that has probably been seen before . The Irish Medical Dictionary Artery . . . . . . . . . . . . . The study of paintings Bacteria . . . . . . . . . . . . . Back door to cafeteria Barium . . . . . . . . . . . . . What doctors do when patients die Benign . . . . . . . . . . . . . What you be, after you be eight Caesarean Section . . . . . . . . . . . . . A neighbourhood in Rome Catscan . . . . . . . . . . . . . Searching for Kitty Cauterize . . . . . . . . . . . . . Made eye contact with her Colic . . . . . . . . . . . . . A sheep dog Coma . . . . . . . . . . . . . A punctuation mark Dilate . . . . . . . . . . . . . To live long Enema . . . . . . . . . . . . . Not a friend Fester . . . . . . . . . . . . . Quicker than someone else Fibula . . . . . . . . . . . . . A small lie Impotent . . . . . . . . . . . . . Distinguished, well known Labour Pain . . . . . . . . . . . . . Getting hurt at work Medical Staff . . . . . . . . . . . . . A Doctor's cane Morbid . . . . . . . . . . . . . A higher offer Nitrates . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cheaper than day rates Node . . . . . . . . . . . . . I knew it Outpatient . . . . . . . . . . . . . A person who has fainted Pelvis . . . . . . . . . . . . . Second cousin to Elvis Post Operative . . . . . . . . . . . . . A letter carrier Recovery Room . . . . . . . . . . . . . Place to do upholstery Rectum . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nearly killed him Secretion . . . . . . . . . . . . . Hiding something Seizure . . . . . . . . . . . . . Roman emperor Tablet . . . . . . . . . . . . . A small table Terminal Illness . . . . . . . . . . . . . Getting sick at the airport Tumor . . . . . . . . . . . . . One plus one more Urine . . . . . . . . . . . . . Opposite of you're out 2xCondoms . . . . . . . . . . . . . To be sure, to be sure! And another . . . Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg . Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds . "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both . " "Fook off you liar!" . "I'll prove it," Murphy says . . So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"	FoxyMX (5)
649903	2008-03-16 20:22:00	Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!". "I'll prove it," Murphy says.. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?" :lol: :lol: That's the best one yet!!!	wratterus (105)
649904	2008-03-16 22:16:00	[QUOTE=FoxyMX;654291]Geez Billy, I think it might be time to clear out your stash of jokes. I am sure you have posted most of those here at least twice in the past. :p Hmmmm.........Maybe I need to do some checking, but I usually delete my jokes after posting (actually I cut and paste to make sure they go) but I have been known to keep some good 'uns for recycling. There's been a lot of oldies recycled lately by others too, but they are still worth a laugh. Cheers Bro Billy :D	Billy T (70)
649905	2008-03-17 01:30:00	Benign............. What you be, after you be eight I seriously thought of this joke when I saw the word "benign" yesterday night... :p	Renmoo (66)
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