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Thread ID: 88370	2008-03-25 04:19:00	Monday Funnies on Tuesday	wainuitech (129)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
652492	2008-03-25 04:19:00	Okay - wheres billy with the funnies?? - lets start the ball rolling---- Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting . Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to Taunton and went into a shop . We were only in there for about 5 minutes . When we came out, there was a Cop writing out a parking ticket . We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket . I called him a Nazi turd . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres . So my wife called him a sh*thead . He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first . Then he started writing a third ticket . This went on for about 20 minutes . The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote . Personally, we didn't care . We came into town by bus . We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired . It's important at our age . ________________________________________ Dad Makes prom Dress: About the time you thought you had seen it all, here's a SAFE SEX DRESS ( . imagef1 . net . nz/files/Dress_" target="_blank">www . imagef1 . net . nz(Small) . bmp) Pretty original, to say the least . . . __________________________________________ Questions: Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? What is the speed of darkness? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours? Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics? If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Did you ever stop and wonder . . . . . . Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?' Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there . . . I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum . ' Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs ! If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?	wainuitech (129)
652493	2008-03-25 04:48:00	Good ones wainui! :lol: A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, " Paw, What's 'at? " The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, " Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuthin'like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is. " While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, " Boy, go git yo momma.... " * The First Affair* There was a middle-age couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-age daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to find the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of the child. " Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered, " he cried. Then he gave her a stern look and asked, " Have you been fooling around on me? " The wife smiled sweetly and said, " Not this time. " *The Second Affair* A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schultz, he made an amazing discovery: Schultz had the longest private part he had ever seen! " I'm sorry, Mr. Schultz, " said the mortician, " but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.... " And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. " I have something to show you that you won't believe, " he said, opening his briefcase. " Oh, my God! " she screamed. " Schultz is dead! " *The Third Affair* A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front! door. " Hurry! " she said " Stand in the corner! " She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. " Don't move until I tell you to, " she whispered. " Just pretend you're a statue. " " What's this, honey? " the husband inquired as he entered the room. " Oh, it's just a statue, " she replied nonchalantly. " The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too. " No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. " Here, " he said to the statue, " eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water. " *The Fourth Affair* A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer. " Certainly, sir, " replies the bartender. " That'll be 1 cent.. " " ONE CENT! " exclaims the customer. The barman replies, " Yes. " So the guy glances over the menu and asks, " Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg? " " Certainly, sir, " replies the bartender, " but all that comes to real money. " " How much money? " inquires the guy. " Four cents, " the bartender replies. " FOUR cents! " exclaims the guy. " Where's the guy who owns this place? " The bartender replies, " Upstairs with my wife. " The guy asks, " What's he doing with your wife? " The bartender replies, " Same as I'm doing to his business. " *The Fifth Affair* Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his bedside. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, " My darling Becky, " he whispered. " Hush, my love, " she said. " Rest. Shhh, don't talk. " He was insistent. " Becky, " he said in his tired voice, " I have something I must confess to you. " " There's nothing to confess, " replied the weeping Becky. " Everything's all right. Go to sleep. " " No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother! " " I know, " Becky whispered softly. " That's why I poisoned you. " 1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. 2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. 6. A penny saved is a government oversight. 7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. 9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 10. He who hesitates is probably right. 11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 14. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL "	wratterus (105)
652494	2008-03-25 05:17:00	Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Our freezer has a light.	pcuser42 (130)
652495	2008-03-25 05:58:00	Same goes to the "freezer" at Auckland University! :p :lol:	Renmoo (66)
652496	2008-03-25 06:13:00	You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep Til afternoon.	Cicero (40)
652497	2008-03-25 10:00:00	Thanks WT and wratterus, those are by far the best we have had in a long time :D	beeswax34 (63)
652498	2008-03-25 10:33:00	A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!	mikebartnz (21)
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