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Thread ID: 88532	2008-03-31 01:48:00	Monday (Afternon) Laughs: Kids, Mothers, and Clintons (again)........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
654458	2008-03-31 01:48:00	A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences. The Teachers later got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are a few of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown like my brother did last summer. (David age 7) Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6) I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6) My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) A dolphin breaths through an a#sehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6) Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6) When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7) When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. Lerie age 6) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8) On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7) ***************************** Mothers MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?" CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write! MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?" NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!" ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye! THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!" PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!" ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?" MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "Desert schmesert!! Where have you really been for the last forty years?" BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER: "It would have killed you to become a doctor?" BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica. ***************************** And another Clinton moment........ Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she is in the middle of her first run for President as Senator for New York ..... now this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Well, what have you got to say?" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, and in a barely audible whisper, he asks: "Who's speaking please?" Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
654459	2008-03-31 02:22:00	DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS Two blokes were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values . Bazza said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you? "Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?" ---------------------------------------------------------- A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied . "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine . " --------------------------------------------------------- "Mr . Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week . " "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said . "And every now and then I'll try to send her a dollar or two myself . " --------------------------------------------------------- A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all . " "Me neither doc," said the husband . "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids" . ----------------------------------------------------------- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years . The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you" . The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife . " ---------------------------------------------------------- Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 1 . All the DNA is the same . 2 . There are no dental records . ---------------------------------------------------------- A blonde calls Virgin Air and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from Sydney to Adelaide ?" The agent replies, "Just a minute . . " "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up . ---------------------------------------------------------- Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion . " Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah . Until I married her I didn't believe in hell . " ---------------------------------------------------------- A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling . "I'm O . K . but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered . "What did he say ? ," asked the nurse . "OOPS " ------------------------------------------------------------ While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits . It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice . "What do you think?" I asked . "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied . "You'd never get it all in one . " He's still in intensive care . ************************************************** ****** These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park . The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat . Gertrude immediately had a stroke . Then Maude also had a stroke . But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far . . . .	smithie 38 (6684)
654460	2008-03-31 04:23:00	A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide . " The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband . " The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband . That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen . Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife . The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different . You didn't tell me you had a prescription . "	wainuitech (129)
654461	2008-03-31 04:34:00	Redneck couple get married and head off on the honeymoon. 1/2 hour later the groom is back on the front porch at home talking to his pa. "paw paw what'll I do?" "whats wrong son?" "paw my new bride, she's a virgin!!" Pa thought carefully for a minute. "send her back son, if'n she ain't good enough fur her family she ain't good enough fur ours"	dipstick01 (445)
654462	2008-03-31 11:54:00	And another Clinton moment........ Speaking of whom (www.forcenz.com)... (2.2 MB MP3 audio) Caution: rude words Due to bandwidth limitations this file will be available for one week only.	Greg (193)
654463	2008-03-31 18:43:00	Mirrored (imagef1.net.nz)	Dannz (1668)
654464	2008-03-31 20:31:00	Mirrored (imagef1.net.nz) Cheers! :thumbs:	Greg (193)
654465	2008-03-31 21:40:00	A reporter interviewing Paul McCartney after the divorce hearing asks, "Sir Paul, do you think you will ever go down on one knee again?" Paul replies, "Please, the divorce has just been settled but I bear no animosity, Please call her Heather."	theother1 (3573)
654466	2008-03-31 22:15:00	Top 100 (www.museumofhoaxes.com) April Fools Pranks of all time.	wratterus (105)
654467	2008-03-31 23:38:00	I liked No . 27: #27: New Zealand Wasp Swarm In 1949 Phil Shone, a New Zealand deejay for radio station 1ZB, announced to his listeners that a mile-wide wasp swarm was headed towards Auckland . He urged them to take a variety of steps to protect themselves and their homes from the winged menace . For instance, he suggested that they wear their socks over their trousers when they left for work, and that they leave honey-smeared traps outside their doors . Hundreds of people dutifully heeded his advice, until he finally admitted that it had all been a joke . The New Zealand Broadcasting Service was not amused by Shone's prank . Its director, Professor James Shelley, denounced the hoax on the grounds that it undermined the rules of proper broadcasting . From then on, a memo was sent out each year before April Fool's Day reminding New Zealand radio stations of their obligation to report the truth, and nothing but the truth . Reminds me of when I lived in Costa Mesa, CA . , and had a telephone number one-digit away from a very famous hair salon with the initials "VS" . I got so many disturbing calls all day long and the phone company didn't want to issue a new number to either me or the hair salon . The very famous place just laughed at my situation and hung up . OK, I got tired of it all and just for one day I snapped . When women would call to confirm their appointments, I first told them the number they had reached . . . and that this was a private residence . . . but the notice went thru their head and never registered . Then I told them that they had to rinse their hair in catsup, and wrap a towel around their head with the catsup still on it and come in for their appointment . There was an article in the local paper about all the women showing up with their hair thick with the tomato product and denials that the salon had ever told the women to do that before their appointments . I got a few more phone calls, but I denied everything . The statute of limitation has been exceeded I think on this one . :)	SurferJoe46 (51)
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