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Thread ID: 88715	2008-04-06 23:41:00	Monday Laughs: Royalty, wives, and all that.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
656503	2008-04-06 23:41:00	Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven . Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in . The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven . Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please the angels to be able to see them every day, for eternity . " The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question . The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles, then she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever . The Angel says: "OK, your Majesty, you may go in . " Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down . She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are!" ***************************** Marriage (Part I) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you . I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner . I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing whenever I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it . Those are my rules . Any comments?" His new bride said: "No, that's fine with me . Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . . . whether you're here or not . " ***************************** Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!" "Yeah?" she replies . "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!" ***************************** Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table . Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house . After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends so he rings her up . She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?" She says, "I was in bed . " "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" ***************************** Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement . He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his Wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections . One night, they go to a party . The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well . He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "any time you're ready, Father of Four . " ***************************** THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment . Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight . Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM . " He left it where he knew she would find it . The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight . Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed . The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up . " Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests . ***************************** God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece . ***************************** A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years . He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed . He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the woman to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom . While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years, I saw how he kissed your neck . " If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you . Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you . This guy is probably very dangerous . If he gets angry, he'll kill us . Be strong, honey . I love you . " To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck . He was whispering in my ear . He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline . I told him it was in the bathroom . Be strong honey . I love you too!!" ***************************** And to close: A dog is truly a man's best friend . If you don't believe it, just try this experiment: Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour . When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!? Cheers Billy 8-{) :clap	Billy T (70)
656504	2008-04-07 00:19:00	Hehe, surprised I dont get in trouble during class for laughing so hard :p Thanks Billy!	Chilling_Silence (9)
656505	2008-04-07 00:22:00	Marriage Part VI The newlyweds were preparing for bed when the husband took off his trousers and handed them to his new wife. "Try these on, dear, to see if they fit." "No," she replied, "they're too big for me." "And just remember," he said. "that I wear the pants in this family!" As she was undressing, she passed her knickers over to him and asked him to try them on. "No," he said, "I can't get into your knickers." "And that's the way it's going to stay until you change your attitude!" Marriage Part VII A man who had recently lost his wife described her thus: "She was a good wife by every definition, she nagged incessantly, she kept everything spotless, you couldn't fault her." "You must miss her," remarked his friend. "You're right. After 31 years of niggling at each other it leaves a helluva gap. It's like going deaf." Marriage Part VIII Husband's description of his wife "as she hove into view." Her features never seem to know the value of teamwork. In she comes looking like a very attractive heavy good vehicle with an insecure load." ;)	Roscoe (6288)
656506	2008-04-07 03:05:00	Hehe, surprised I don't get in trouble during class for laughing so hard :p Thanks Billy! I totally agree with that! Except I am at work in a call center...	The_End_Of_Reality (334)
656507	2008-04-07 04:06:00	pressf1.co.nz GG Billy.	roddy_boy (4115)
656508	2008-04-07 10:41:00	GG Billy. Recycling is important, it protects our ecology and makes sure that good jokes don't get buried and forgotten under piles of rubbish. Cheers Billy 8-{) :banana	Billy T (70)
656509	2008-04-07 12:59:00	What do you mean by coming home half drunk? Sorry dear, I ran out of money. ____________________________________________ One afternoon a man came home from work to find total chaos in his house. His three children were outside, still in their PJ’s playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess, a lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against the wall, in the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs stepping over toys and piles of clothes, looking for his wife and in the bedroom he found her reading in bed and so he asked her what was wrong to which she replied "Nothing but you know how you asked me what I do all day. Well I didn't do it."	mikebartnz (21)
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