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Thread ID: 88901	2008-04-13 23:28:00	Monday Laughs: A mixed bag today.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
658480	2008-04-13 23:28:00	An Older Man . . . . . . . . An older man approached an attractive young woman at a shopping mall . "Excuse me" he says, "but I can't seem to find my wife . Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir . Do you know where your wife might be?" "I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere . " ******************************** A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they"re gone . " "No more headaches? the husband asks, what happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, "I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache . " Well, I tried it, and it worked! The headaches are all gone . " "Gee, that is wonderful" proclaims the husband . His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it, and following his appointment he comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom . He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back . " He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before . His wife says "wow! that was wonderful!" The husband says "don't move! I will be right back . " He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a minute or two later and round two was even better than the first time . The wife sits up and her head is spinning "OH MY GOD" she proclaims . Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back . " With that, he goes back in the bathroom . This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying . "She is not my wife" . "She is not my wife" . "She is not my wife" . His funeral service will be held on Saturday . ****************************** Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up . A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing . Paddy replied, "We're supposed to be finding the f-'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a f-'n ladder . " The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down . She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches . Then she walked off . Mick said to Paddy, "Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the f-'n height - and she gives us the f-'n length . " ******************************** A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he has ever seen . The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise and asks, "Ess-tues me, sir?" "Yes?" replies the clerk . " "Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?" "Pistachios? They're six dollars a pound . " "SSSht!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing and then asks, "Welp, how mutsh arr your aahh-aahhhmons?" "Almonds? They're seven-fifty a pound . " "SSSSSHT! Tas's'pensive," replies the tongue-tied man . "Welp, how bout your Pi-pikanns?" "Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only four-fifty a pound . " "Welp, Ooo kkay . Just div me a pound of dose dhen . " "All right then," says the clerk as he begins bagging up a pound of pecans . Then the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Tirr, I just wanna tay tank you for not making fun of de way I talk, tauz I tan't hep it . " The clerk replies with a smile . "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that . I don't make fun of anybody . I don't know if you noticed but I have a rather large nose . " The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is ddd-dat your nnnoze? I tought dat wuz your dddick ssssince your nnnnnuts are ssssso high . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
658481	2008-04-14 00:01:00	:eek: :clap :lol: :lol: :lol: That last one.... ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA. Thanks billy.	wratterus (105)
658482	2008-04-14 01:10:00	Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete **es both of 'em . They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite . And that was just for starters . Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the priest . "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town . You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint . " "I won't do such a thing . T'would be a lie!" "I know you will," says Mike . "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose . " The priest is over a barrel . "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?" "Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note . Next morning at the funeral, the priest begins the eulogy: "Seamus O'Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful, penurious, lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being . But compared to his brother, Mike, . . . Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint" ********************************************** ***** Spaghetti For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman . One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant . Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child . If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18 . She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born . To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back . He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin . One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife . "Honey", she said, "you received a very strange post card today" . "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later", he said . The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted . On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti . Three with meatballs, two without . "Send extra sauce . " ********************************************** * A couple had been married for 50 years . They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together . " "I know," the old man said . "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago . " "Well," Granny snickered . "Let's relive some old times . " Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table . "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago . " "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps . "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal . " ********************************************** **** Martha and Emma, two widows, are talking . Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date . . . I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him, before I give him my answer . " Emma: "Well, I'll tell you . He shows up at my apartment, punctually, at 7PM, and dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit . He brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there, but a beautiful car -- a limousine, uniformed chauffeur an all . Then he takes me out for a marvelous lobster dinner, we go see a show -- let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much . I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL . Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!" Martha: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Emma: "No! I'm just saying, wear an old dress . "	smithie 38 (6684)
658483	2008-04-14 02:05:00	Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..." "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys." "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Computer Terminology 486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete - Any computer you own. Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago." Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object." Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey") Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software. ----------------------------------------------------------------- A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: " What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......	wainuitech (129)
658484	2008-04-14 04:00:00	Ha ha ha , those are great guys :clap :D Well worth the shut up and do some work I got from my manager :D	The_End_Of_Reality (334)
658485	2008-04-14 04:08:00	--------------------------------------------------------------------- Computer Terminology State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete - Any computer you own. Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object." So true..............well expect the last bit. I tell them to be sensible about it becasue of the 3rd comment.	pctek (84)
658486	2008-04-14 05:54:00	OPPS sorry folks :blush: :blush: I see I double posted ---- :crying maybe a Mod can remove post 4	wainuitech (129)
658487	2008-04-15 00:27:00	My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian . He found out that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both of its ears out and the dog could hear fine . The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month . The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover . At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days . " The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms . " The druggist says, "Oh . Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days . " The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either . If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer . " The druggist shrugs . "Stay off your bicycle for a week . "	Cicero (40)
658488	2008-04-15 02:39:00	Today's Market Activity: Helium was up . Feathers were down . Paper was stationary . Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading . Knives were up sharply . Beef steered into a bull market . Pencils lost a few points . Hiking equipment was trailing . Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline . Weights were up in heavy trading . Light switches were off . Mining equipment hit rock bottom . Diapers remain unchanged . Shipping lines stayed at an even keel . The market for raisins dried up . Coca Cola fizzled . Caterpillar stock inched up a bit . Sun peaked at midday . Balloon prices were inflated . Kleenex Tissue touched a new bottom .	johcar (6283)
658489	2008-04-15 05:27:00	After 30 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" "I found the remote," he mumbled. ************************************************* A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartend er and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!' The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.' 'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?	ronyville (10611)
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