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Thread ID: 89088	2008-04-20 12:25:00	Monday Laughs: Women, and other strange creatures.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
660650	2008-04-20 12:25:00	24 Hours To Live Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live . Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him . Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love . Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live . Maybe we could make love again?' Doreen agreed and again they made love . Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left . He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die . " She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep . Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours . He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up . "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we . . . ?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and snapped, "Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don't . " ********************************* A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach . He is playing in the water and she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading . The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he has been swept away . The grandma raises her hands to the sky as she screams and cries, "Lord, how could you take my only grandson? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?" A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!" A few minutes later, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach . As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened . The voice booms again . "I have returned your grandson . Are you satisfied?" She responds, "He had a hat . " ********************************* Involuntary Muscular Contractions A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students . Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly . He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably deer hunting and drinking beer with his buddies . ' ********************************* One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie . "Tie me to the bed," she purred, "and you can do anything you want . " So he tied her down and went golfing . Sometimes you just can't please 'em!! Cheers Billy 8-{) :p	Billy T (70)
660651	2008-04-20 14:36:00	ALL THINGS US: "Actually, one really embarrassing moment, you see this on the news? When the pope blessed the crowd with holy water? Well, some of it splashed on Dick Cheney, burned his skin." "And today, John McCain said he disagrees with President Bush on the issue of climate change. And believe me, McCain knows what he's talking about on this subject. Of all the presidential candidates, he is the only one who's actually lived through an ice age." "And at the White House, this was great. The pope was greeted by a 21-gun salute, 22 if you count Cheney. Ka-boom!" "It was a huge, huge, big deal. Although I don't think President Bush is too familiar with the Catholic religion. There was one awkward moment when President Bush kept looking behind the pope going, 'So, where's Mrs. Pope?'" "It's exciting to be here now because you know what's going to happen? The pope is coming to New York City. Can you feel the excitement? He arrived earlier today in Washington, D.C. Of course, he flew Virgin Atlantic." "A new report from the Associated Press, says that the senior Bush administration officials met regularly in the White House to discuss and approve specific torture techniques. All the heavy hitters were there. Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell, and Ashcroft and Tenet. Everybody except Bush himself, they left him with a sitter." Maybe a repeat: "Yeah, a lot of people want Bush to boycott the Olympics. ... Seems to me that's very backwards. If you're trying to piss off the Chinese, don't you want to send President Bush over to China. 'Hey, squinty! When do I get to see the ninjas?' They'll be like, 'Oh, f*ck it, Tibet is free, just get this moron away from me.'"	beeswax34 (63)
660652	2008-04-20 20:33:00	A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Industrial Engineering Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum: 1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity. 2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplicative, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier. 3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen. 4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given proper attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to complete his symphony.	Marnie (4574)
660653	2008-04-21 06:59:00	A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in a frustratrated tirade, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection...,dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him." I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."	SurferJoe46 (51)
660654	2008-04-21 10:36:00	A man asked an old Indian (Native American) what his wife's name was. He replied "She called Three Horse". The man said "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The old Indian replied "It very old Indian name. It mean ... Nag, Nag, Nag!"	johcar (6283)
660655	2008-04-21 21:50:00	These are genuine clips from British Council flat (apartment) tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats . 1 . My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it . 2 . He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore . 3 . It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow . 4 . I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 a . m . His cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me . 5 . I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night . 6 . And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence . 7 . Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife . 8 . My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 9 . I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall . 10 . Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant . 11 . I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen 12 . 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy . 13 . I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers . 14 . The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared . 15 . Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink . 16 . I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off . 17 . The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous . 18 . Our kitchen floor is damp . We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it . 19 . I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage . 20 . I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof . I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off	Cicero (40)
660656	2008-04-21 22:45:00	A Tuesday Joke: A Teddy Bear got a job on a council road gang . Monday went well, but on Tuesday when he returned from his lunch break he discovered his pick had been stolen . He complained to the foreman, who seemed quite unsurprised and had the obvious answer . "It's Tuesday" he said, "That's the day the Teddy Bears have their picks nicked . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
660657	2008-04-22 20:28:00	Thurs joke............ **THE HORTH WHITHPERER *** * * **If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!! * ** ****A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. ** ** *** ***His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"**** *** ** ** ***"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."**** *** ** ** ***So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.**** *** ** *****"A female horth."**** ** ** *** ***So he shows him a prized filly.**** *** ** ** ** *****"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?**** *** * **So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once**** ****over.**** *** ** ** ** *****"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? ** ** *** ***So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.**** *** ** ** ** *****"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?**** *** ** ** ** *****The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point,**** ****but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. *** * ** ****"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?**** *** ** ** ** *****Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his**** ****arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. *** * ** ****The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.**** *** ** *****"Perhapth I should rephrathe that.**** *** ** *****Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?**** **** ** This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from www.papercut.biz	Cicero (40)
660658	2008-04-22 23:41:00	This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from www.papercut.biz Nice bit of advertising for emailStripper there Cicero. Is it supposed to make the post unreadable? :lol:	Miami Steve (2128)
660659	2008-04-23 00:42:00	Nice bit of advertising for emailStripper there Cicero. Is it supposed to make the post unreadable? :lol: Only for those with reading problems,I will try harder for you in future. I usually delete the ad,but sometimes forget,I know it's not good dyslexics etc.	Cicero (40)
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