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Thread ID: 89580	2008-05-05 01:36:00	Monday Laughs: Another mixed bag......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
666045	2008-05-05 01:36:00	The Genie & The Broken Bottle A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, and said "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million pounds a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants, in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "NO S#*T." He exclaimed, "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?" ************************* A short love story: Once upon a time, a man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-Continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly. he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Now, get your own %$*&^*! blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted. ************************* A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very we until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have a carport, and not need one. I mean, what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland . Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She is going to kill me. What makes you think that? She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at the store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says: "Polish Remover" Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
666046	2008-05-05 01:46:00	Oh man that first one was good :clap	trinsic (6945)
666047	2008-05-05 01:53:00	An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink . As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him . She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy . " She said, "I'm a lesbian . I spend my whole day thinking about women . As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women . When I shower, I think about women . When I watch TV, I think about women . I even think about women when I eat . It seems that everything makes me think of women . " The two sat sipping in silence . A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian . " ************************************************** ******** Harald was an old man . He was sick and in the hospital . There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy . Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child . She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?" Old Harald had had enough of this particular nurse . One day, Old Harald had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand . He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing . The juice was apple juice . So . . you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it . "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today . . " At this, Old Harald snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again . Maybe I can filter it better this time . " The nurse fainted . . . ! Old Harald just smiled! DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!! :D	smithie 38 (6684)
666048	2008-05-06 03:40:00	The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V." He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin. The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six. Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0. Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino." The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede. "Did you do this?" he asked the centipede. "Yeah, I did." the centipede replied. The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?" "I was putting on my shoes."	SurferJoe46 (51)
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