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Thread ID: 145504	2017-11-19 23:30:00	Monday Laughs ... Kulula Air, a Crusaders supporter, and how to give a cat a pill	WalOne (4202)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1442202	2017-11-19 23:30:00	:banana Hey people. It's Monday again and time for a few laughs, and a paraprosdokian (or 3). Grumpy old p****s take notice that should you feel there is insufficient giggle material here, then please feel free to contribute by posting your own jokes :) 8419 (a non-curmudgeonly turtle enjoying time out from Planet II to appreciate this weeks Monday Laughs) Here we go ... … and you hired him The owner of an aircraft manufacturing company stopped by the aircraft testing airfield to check on the newest test pilot. He asked the supervisor how the new guy was doing. “Terrible! He has already crashed four planes this week!” Owner replied, “How is this possible? Where did he work before coming here?” Supervisor said, “He designed Windows software for Microsoft.” 8420 Still with aviation, more cabin announcements from Kulula Air ... “Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab in to the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public transport.” “People, people, we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it.” “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!” “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this plane.” “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.” “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.” “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.” “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate.” “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.” "Please search your surroundings and your neighbour's bags for you personal belongings". “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.” 8421 Five Jewish men influenced the history of Western civilization. Moses said the law is everything. Jesus said love is everything. Marx said capital is everything. Freud said sex is everything. Einstein said everything is relative. +++++/////\\\\\+++++ A lecturing dietician gave these pointers ... "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man in the first row lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake." +++++/////\\\\\+++++ The Company Picnic The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back. “Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?” “Not a bit,” the husband replied. “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!” +++++/////\\\\\+++++ The Problem with Speaking English Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. +++++/////\\\\\+++++ A paraprosakian for the day A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. You're never too old to learn something stupid. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. +++++/////\\\\\+++++ The grieving woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandma? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really, really you, Grandma?" "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandma?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "When did you learn to speak English?" +++++/////\\\\\+++++ :eek: I get turned on by animals; bestial, my heart. ;) When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “You dirty bastard”. :lol: A funny criminal is a silicon. :D Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you. +++++/////\\\\\+++++ A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him ... they kiss ... then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, 'Well, how was it?' Her man says, 'You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.' +++++/////\\\\\+++++ A young man approached his family physician and said, "Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days." "My good man," replied the doctor, "I removed them six years ago. Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?" "No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a man having two wives, haven't you?" +++++/////\\\\\+++++ Wayne, a Kiwi, went to Spain on a fishing trip. While there, he hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Wayne was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Kiwi pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, 'Mira el mosca.' The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Wayne, replied, 'No, senor, "la mosca"... es feminina.' Our Kiwi looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, 'Good heavens … you must have incredibly good eyesight.' +++++/////\\\\\+++++ Rugby Support in NZ The family of Auckland Blues Rugby supporters head out shopping one Saturday before Christmas. While they were in a sports shop, the son picks up a Crusaders rugby jersey and says to his sister, 'I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas.' The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, 'Go talk to your mother.' Off goes the little lad, with Crusaders jersey in hand and finds his mother. 'Mum ?' 'Yes son?' 'I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas.' The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, 'Go talk to your father.' Off he goes with the Crusaders jersey in hand and finds his father, 'Dad?' 'Yes son?' 'I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I would like this jersey for Christmas.' The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, 'No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!' About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, 'Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson today?' The son turns to his father and says, 'Yes, Father, I have.' Father says, 'Good son, and what is it?' The son replies, 'I've only been a Crusaders supporter for an hour and already I hate you JAFAs.' +++++/////\\\\\+++++ Recycling time … how to give a cat a pill: Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How to give a dog a pill: :lol: Wrap it in cheese. 8422 Cheers folks, Have a great week and until next Monday take care. :banana :D:D	WalOne (4202)
1442203	2017-11-20 01:25:00	How to give a dog a pill: :lol: Wrap it in cheese. Wrap it in any damn thing you like, even if it's inedible material. LOL	pctek (84)
1442204	2017-11-20 04:23:00	Crunchy peanut butter . My Molly used to love taking pills and we used to get a good laugh watching her . If you don't know what I mean, try it . Lots of lip smacking noise as she ate it . Ken :)	kenj (9738)
1442205	2017-11-20 05:46:00	Thanks Wal	gary67 (56)
1442206	2017-11-20 06:50:00	What’s happened to billyT, have i missed something?	plod (107)
1442207	2017-11-20 07:36:00	What’s happened to billyT, have i missed something? Billy T's taking a break, needing to attend to some family misfortunes and issues. We correspond infrequently but I can say he is working through the issues mostly satisfactorily. In the meantime, I volunteered to keep the post running. Sorry, you're stuck with me - UFN :):)	WalOne (4202)
1442208	2017-11-20 18:21:00	I volunteered to keep the post running. Sorry, you're stuck with me - UFN :):) And a good job you are doing too!	pctek (84)
1442209	2017-11-20 23:54:00	A good set today WalOne, but I have to channel my inner pedant and say it is "Paraprosdokian" not "paraprosakian"	Tony (4941)
1442210	2017-11-21 00:17:00	A good set today WalOne, but I have to channel my inner pedant and say it is "Paraprosdokian" not "paraprosakian" :badpc: :lol: And whilst posting, thanks from me to those who awarded me their seal of approval :) 8423	WalOne (4202)
1442211	2017-11-22 02:57:00	>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<+|+>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< I have a bit of advice for hungry young actors – eat something. If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled? Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? What differentiates between "flammable" and "inflammable" articles, and can they be stored together? Is there another word for synonym? I speak two languages, Body and English. Everything begins with e. English is funny. Fat chance and slim chance mean the same. Handy hint: How to make Easter easier - replace the t with an i. Bonfire Night: If you're called Guy, keep away from bonfires tonight. If you're called Catherine, keep away from wheels. STRESSED viewed another way is DESSERTS. If you’re nice to proofreaders they'll save your as. If your model helicopter crashes and madly orbits on the floor beating itself to death, is it a ROFLCOPTER? I became a policeman because I wanted to be in a business where the customer is always wrong.	R2x1 (4628)
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