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Thread ID: 90451	2008-06-03 10:47:00	Monday Laughs: .......Tuesday Edition	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
675285	2008-06-03 10:47:00	Sorry about the delay folks, I was hauled off to hospital on Sunday night after suffering a collapse at my own birthday party (and I was stone-cold sober) and this afternoon I was let out early for good behaviour. The good news is there was no permanent damage, so Monday Laughs will continue more or less as normal, except for the next two Mondays when I will be away working overseas, though I may post next Monday's laughs on Sunday night if I get time. On to the laughs............. A keen golfer goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course, but what I can do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today." The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddy turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddy. Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week." A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please." The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!" The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance, it was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway." The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of them didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
675286	2008-06-03 10:50:00	I feel a blitz approaching :o	R2x1 (4628)
675287	2008-06-03 11:03:00	I feel a blitz approaching :o Too right . . . . . . . . On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean for some sightseeing . He was cruising along the beach at Wanganui in his car, when there was a frantic commotion just off-shore . A man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 5 metre shark . While the Pope looked on horrified, a boat cruised up alongside with two men wearing All Black jerseys . Rangi quickly threw a harpoon into the shark's side . Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water . Then, using long clubs, Rangi and Hohepa killed the shark and hauled it into the boat . Immediately the Pope summoned them to the beach, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them . "I had been told that there was some bitter rivalry between New Zealand and Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true . " As the Pope drove off, Rangi asked Hohepa, "Who the hell was that, bro'?" "That was the Pope cuz," Hohepa replied . "He's in direct contact with God bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom . " "Well," Rangi said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know bugger-all about shark fishing . . . . . . . . . . Is our bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another Aussie?" Cheers Billy 8-{) :banana	Billy T (70)
675288	2008-06-03 11:15:00	Carry on ! ! :D	R2x1 (4628)
675289	2008-06-03 11:21:00	All the best, Billy. Stay well. I don't think anyone else can come up with the volume and variety of stuff to keep us happy and smiling!! Cheers, Marnie	Marnie (4574)
675290	2008-06-03 11:23:00	CHICKENS AND EXPERTS BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE! JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me....... DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road... ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL: Because t he chicke n was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chic kens in th e world crossing roads together, in peace. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE: I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.	Marnie (4574)
675291	2008-06-03 11:50:00	Dear Friends, It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in March, it became necessary for Susan to get a full-time job, both for the extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing and hunting about the same time that she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker game club or Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of the odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Susan is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills on her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little rest breaks. I tell her to fix a big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way that I support Susan on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile. Signed, Bob > Bob's funeral was on Saturday, April 26th. > Susan was acquitted Monday, April 28th	Sweep (90)
675292	2008-06-03 12:05:00	Man, the Aussie one was fantastic :D Stay well Billy T :thumbs:	beeswax34 (63)
675293	2008-06-03 14:33:00	Stay well Billy T & take it slow :) (I Hope the old ticker is ok) And Happy late Birthday :D	stu161204 (123)
675294	2008-06-03 21:42:00	[FONT=&quot] Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper . I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table . Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly . Not only that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing . This gives her a little more time to do some of the odds and ends things like vacuuming or dusting . When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods . asleep . This describes my parents . Seriously .	pctek (84)
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