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Thread ID: 90451 2008-06-03 10:47:00 Monday Laughs: .......Tuesday Edition Billy T (70) PC World Chat
Post ID Timestamp Content User
675305 2008-06-05 11:21:00 In honour of Billy T's recent recovery:

ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version)
Are you lonesome tonight? Does your tummy feel tight? Did you bring your mylanta and tums?

Does your memory stray, To that bright sunny day, When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding? Your eyes growing dim? Hysterectomy for her, And its prostate for him.

Does your back give you pain? Do your knees predict rain? Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up? Good cholesterol down? Are you eating your low fat cuisine?

All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot. Helps you run like a well oiled machine.

If it's football or baseball, He sure knows the score. Yes, he knows where it's at But forgets what it's for.

So your gallbladder's gone, But your gout lingers on, Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not, When you're cold, he is hot, Then you start that old thermostat war.

When you turn out the light, He goes left and you go right, Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic, So witty and smart; How did he turn out to be such A cranky old fart?

So don't take any bets, It's as good as it gets, Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight? 		johcar (6283)
675306 2008-06-05 22:07:00 Got this on the email this morning :

THE JOURNEY OF MAN!!!!!
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was
great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided
to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big ***s.


sarel 		sarel (2490)
675307 2008-06-07 04:02:00 A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin . She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Well
then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.




Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto
the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the
bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the croc onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out.......


"SH!T, SH!T, SH!T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"! 		password (5384)
675308 2008-06-08 22:53:00 WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE . . I'M BROKE!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner .

'Good morning,' said the young man . 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . '

'Go away!' I said . 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door .

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot into the door and pushed wide open . 'Don't be too hasty!' he said . 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration . ' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet .

'If this vacuum cleaner doesnʼt remove every trace of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, Iʼll eat the remainder . '

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning . What part of 'broke' didnʼt you understand?' 		Cicero (40)
675309 2008-06-08 23:35:00 Dave the hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep .

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep . When he
awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed . 'Who the
hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and
I'm St Peter . '

Dave was stunned . 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I
have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family . . .
You've got to send me back straight away . '

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is
a catch . We can only send you back as a dog or a hen . '

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far
from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen .

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around, pecking the ground .

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange
feeling welling up inside him . The farmyard rooster strolled over and
said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'


'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange
feeling inside like I'm about to explode . '

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster . 'Don't tell me
you've never laid an egg before . '

'Never', replies Dave .

'Well just relax and let it happen' .

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later,
an egg pops out from under his tail . An immense feeling of relief swept
over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced
motherhood for the first time .

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming
and as he was just about to lay his
third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard
his wife shouting . . .

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard . You've **** the bed !!' 		SolMiester (139)
675310 2008-06-09 01:15:00 So,B must have gone to India.
Wonder how he got on re health insurance. 		Cicero (40)
675311 2008-06-10 21:13:00 An oldie, but still good:

Now that Vancouver has won the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!! These questions about Canada were posted on an International tourism Website .
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die .

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking .

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water .

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes .

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed beaver . (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one .

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and Halifax? (UK)
A: We still use Beaver pelts .

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe . Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . Oh, forget it . Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary . Come naked .

Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees . Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions .

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do .

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is . . . oh, forget it . Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races . Come naked .

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, We don't stink .

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth . Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather . . . try the Hippodrome in Calgary on a Tuesday night! And come naked .

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs .

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving .

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers . Milk is illegal .

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name . It's a kind of big horse with horns . (USA)
A: It's called a Moose . They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them . You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking .

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC . Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour .

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first 		sarel (2490)
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