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Thread ID: 90768	2008-06-15 21:06:00	Monday Laughs: .......The Blondes get it, and some for the oldies	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
678714	2008-06-15 21:06:00	Six Degrees of Blonde FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" SIXTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police despatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a tracker-dog unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the Officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman." *********************************************** Don't mess with old folk......... One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honour," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly." ************************** A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realise the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." ************************** An old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor," and she asks "Are you sick?" "No" he says, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat. He asks her," Where are you going?" She replies, "I'm going to the doctor, too," and he asks her "why?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot." ************************** Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm, and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They are utterly gob-smacked, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age," Bob replies. "What? Did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90." ************************** Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained, "Are the older goats put out to pasture when they can no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered: "They send us on bus tours!" Cheers Billy 8-{) Yes, India was very ....ummm.......nice, thanks. :yuck:	Billy T (70)
678715	2008-06-15 21:39:00	Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons, and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. :thumbs:	smithie 38 (6684)
678716	2008-06-15 23:04:00	Mating Call - Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods . All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave . ' Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! ' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, ' Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave . The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about, . 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler ' Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! ' into the opening . If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us . Just then they came upon another cave . The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, ' Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! ' Immediately, there was the answer . ' Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! ' from deep inside . He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening . The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave . As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found . There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might ' Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! ' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran . The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!! :D	wainuitech (129)
678717	2008-06-16 01:16:00	Haha thanks for the Monday laughs Billy T Helps cheer up Auckland's gloomy Monday morning... :D	kiwipork (8973)
678718	2008-06-16 02:48:00	Yes, India was very ....ummm.......nice, thanks. :yuck: Hahaha awesome.	roddy_boy (4115)
678719	2008-06-16 05:49:00	Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons, and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. :thumbs: Brilliant.	Cicero (40)
678720	2008-06-16 09:45:00	Another old joke or three: The parents of newlyweds were impressed with all their safety precautions, including smoke alarms, first aid kit and a list of emergency numbers. Also prominent were two fire extinguishes - one in the kitchen and one in the bedroom. Said Dad to Mum, "Look at that, dear, it's been years since we needed a fire extinguisher in our bedroom." Elderly gentleman took the wife to the zoo and when passing the monkey enclosure an enraged gorilla leapt on her and started ripping her clothes off. The wife said, What shall I do?" "Do what you always do - tell him you've a headache." An elderly man commenting on the death of his wife: She was a good wife by every definition, she nagged incessantly, she kept everything spotless, you couldn't fault her. After 31 years of niggling at each other it leaves a helluva gap. It's like going deaf."	Roscoe (6288)
678721	2008-06-16 10:23:00	Bit naughty :D kiwi humour Only in NZ A Maori bloke called Rangi was driving through Rotorua, when off in the distance he saw a booze bus (police) . Rangi thinks this is great and heads straight for it . He pulls up and Rangi winds his window down and says,"Two cans of Lion Red thanks mate!!" The copper looks at Rangi and says "You must be drunk! Get out of your old truck and blow into this bag for me . " Rangi got out of the truck and said "Sorry boss, I can't blow in that . I got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that . " The cop looks at him and with a bemused look says "OK . In these cases we require you to give a blood sample . " "Nah nah sorry boss . Can't be doing that either . I got a letter from the Red Cross saying I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to death . Sorry Boss, can't do that" said Rangi . By now the copper is getting fairly pissed off and finally demands a urine sample for testing . Rangi looks at him and says "Sorry boss, can't do that either . " The copper says "Surely you can't have a letter for that! "Bloody oath mate" says Rangi . "It's from the government . Called the Treaty of Waitangi . Says that you whites can't take the piss out of us Maori . " ----------------------------------------------------------------------- FIRST TIME A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night, to meet and have dinner with her parents . Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time . The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms . He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour . He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex . At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack . The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all . That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door . 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated . The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head . A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down . 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy . Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious . ' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist . :o ------------------------------------------------------------------- Not Really funny - But OH how so true No Words Required ( . imagef1 . net . nz/files/Petrol_Gague . bmp" target="_blank">www . imagef1 . net . nz) :thumbs: -------------------------------------------------	wainuitech (129)
678722	2008-06-16 10:51:00	I love the Treat of Waitangi one :D :thumbs:	beeswax34 (63)
678723	2008-06-16 11:38:00	FIRST TIME A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night, to meet and have dinner with her parents . Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time . The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms . He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour . He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex . At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack . The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all . That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door . 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated . The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head . A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down . 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy . Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious . ' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist . :o ROFLMFAO :thumbs:	wratterus (105)
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