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Thread ID: 90603	2008-06-09 08:46:00	Sorry - can't wait for Billy T...	johcar (6283)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
676821	2008-06-09 08:46:00	Did I read somewhere that he's out of the country??? Anyway: Two guys in a bar ………………… . . One says, “Did your hear the news? Our mate is dead!” “My God, what happened to him?” “Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom, he hit the pavement, the the car flipped up and he flew through the sunroof . Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window . ” “Gosh, what a horrible way to die!” “No, no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all . So he landed in my upstairs bedroom and he was all covered in broken glass on the floor . Then, he spotted the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and he reached up for the handle to try to pull himself up . He was just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe came crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones . ” “Damn it, what a way to go, that’s terrible!” “No, no, that didn’t kill him . He survived that . He managed to get the wardrobe off himself and he crawled out onto the landing where he tried to pull himself up on the banister but, under his weight, the banister broke and he went falling down to the first floor . In mid-air, all the broken spindles fell on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him . ” “Hell, now that is the most unfortunate way to go!” “No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that . So he was on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen . He crawled into the kitchen, tried to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water . Whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off . ” “Man, what a way to go!” “No, no, he survived that, he survived that! He was lying on the floor, covered in boiling water and he spotted the phone and tried to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabbed the light switch and pulled the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted with a wallop — 10,000 volts shot through him . ” “Now that is one awful way to go!” “No, no, he survived that, he…” “Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?” “I shot him!” “You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?” “Dammit man, he was wrecking my house!” ***************** A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour . The wife is behind the wheel . Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice . “Darling,” he says . “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce . ” The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph . The husband speaks again . “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,” he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are . ” Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 . He pushes his luck . . “I want the house,” he says insistently . Up to 60 mph . “I want the car, too,” he continues . 65 mph . “And,” he says,”I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat . ” The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge . This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: “Isn’t there anything you want?” The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice . “No, I’ve got everything I need . ” she says . “Oh, really?” he inquires, “So what have you got?” Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says “The airbag . ”	johcar (6283)
676822	2008-06-09 09:16:00	Smart arse answers of 2007. 6th Place It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 'What are my choices?' the man asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied. 5th Place A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.' 4th Place A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.' 3rd Place The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. 2nd Place A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab And said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?' The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!' 1st Place A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.	wratterus (105)
676823	2008-06-09 09:37:00	A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing!"	bob_doe_nz (92)
676824	2008-06-09 13:55:00	They're all awesome :D :lol:	Agent_24 (57)
676825	2008-06-09 21:34:00	1 . . Men are NOT mind readers . 1 . Learn to work the toilet seat . You're a big girl . If it's up, put it down . We need it up, you need it down . You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down . 1 . Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides . Let it be . 1 . Crying is blackmail . 1 . Ask for what you want . Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1 . Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question . 1 . Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it . That's what we do . Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for . 1 . Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument . In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days . 1 . If you think you're fat, you probably are . Don't ask us . 1 . If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1 . You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done . Not both . If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself . 1 . Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials . . 1 . Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we . 1 . ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings . Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color . Pumpkin is also a fruit . We have no idea what mauve is . 1 . If it itches, it will be scratched . We do that . 1 . If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong . We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle . 1 . If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear . 1 . When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine . . . Really . 1 . Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports 1 . You have enough clothes . 1 . You have too many shoes . 1 . I am in shape . Round IS a shape! 1 . Thank you for reading this . Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping . .	Cicero (40)
676826	2008-06-10 07:44:00	Found some more: Pinocchio and Splinters One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem . "Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters . What can I do about this?" "Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it . "Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later . "How did the problem work out with your girlfriend?" "Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio . "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?" ***** A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better . I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child . What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season . One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun . When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream . He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead . What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit . " The doctor replied, "My point exactly . "	johcar (6283)
676827	2008-06-14 01:45:00	[Edit: quoted spam removed] Don't I recall something in the rules about advertising not being allowed in this forum?:ban	theother1 (3573)
676828	2008-06-14 03:15:00	I reported it to a mod a while ago, but no action yet.	John H (8)
676829	2008-06-14 04:08:00	Guess we are going to start getting Bamboo-related Google advertisements soon? "Direct import from you-know-who for only $X! Click here now!"	Renmoo (66)
676830	2008-06-14 05:16:00	Good onya, Chill!	johcar (6283)
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