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Thread ID: 90991	2008-06-22 22:02:00	Monday Laughs: ............Seniors	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
681170	2008-06-22 22:02:00	No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile . An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary . The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and after they retired, had moved back to their old neighborhood . Holding hands they walked back to their old school . It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they"d shared, where George had carved "I love you, Edith . " On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet . Edith quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home . There, she counted the money - fifty-thousand dollars . George said, "We've got to give it back . " Edith said, "Finders keepers . " She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic . The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door . "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" Edith said, "No . " George said, "She's lying . She hid it up in the attic . " Edith said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile . " The agents turn to George and began to question him . One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning . " George said, "Well, when Edith and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . . . . " The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outa here . " *************************************** Seniors' Breakfast Special We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Seniors' Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $5 . 99 . "Sounds good," my wife said, "but I don't want the eggs" . "Then I'll have to charge you $8 . 50 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her . "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously . "Yes" stated the waitress . "I'll take the special then . " my wife said . "How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked . "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied, and she took the two eggs home . DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the block more than once! *************************************** How latex gloves are made! A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves . Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked . "No, I don't" she replied . Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex . Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size . " She didn't crack a smile . "Oh well, I tried," he thought . But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing . "What's so funny?" he asked . I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said . Ya gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working! *************************************** A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Chilliwack, British Columbia . The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "will you watch us while we make love?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed . When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "there's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50 . This happened several weeks in a row, the couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave . Finally the doctor asked, "just exactly what are you trying to find out?" . The old man said, "we're not trying to find out anything . She's married so we can't go to her house, I'm married so we can't go to my house . The Hilton charges $140 for a day room; the Holiday Inn charges $90 . We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Pharmacare . " Is Canada great, or what? Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
681171	2008-06-22 22:56:00	After nearly 48 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" I found the remote," he mumbled.	Cicero (40)
681172	2008-06-22 23:15:00	THE 84 YEAR-OLD BRIDE The local news station was interviewing an 84-year old lady because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time . The interviewer then asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be married again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation . "He's a funeral director she answered" . "Interesting the newsman thought" . He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him about her first three husbands and what they did for a living . She paused for a few moments needing to reflect on all those years . After a short time a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, a circus ringmaster when she was in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's a funeral director . The interviewer looked at her quite astonished and asked her why she had married four men with such diverse carreers . "Easy son", she smiled . I married one for the money . . . . two for the show . . . . three to get ready . . . . . and four to go!	Marnie (4574)
681173	2008-06-23 01:39:00	A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend." The minister fainted. :D	smithie 38 (6684)
681174	2008-06-23 04:09:00	Those were all great! :D	Agent_24 (57)
681175	2008-06-23 04:29:00	A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you . This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine . Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me . Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try . I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear . My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress . MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a . m . Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me . She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile . Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines . I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today . Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around . This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door . Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile . Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile . I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me . WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it . I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals . Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop . I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot . Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members . Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying . My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster . Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life . She said some other **** too . THURSDAY : Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl . I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes . Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells . When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom . She sent another skinny ***** to find me . Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank . FRIDAY : I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world . Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader . If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it . Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps . I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the Damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich . The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher . Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY : Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today . Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner . However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel . SUNDAY : I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over . I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy . I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!	sarel (2490)
681176	2008-06-23 09:07:00	Sorry nothing to do with Seniors I'm afraid ----- Subject: TRUE STORY Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from South Auckland showed up. Never having seen anyone from South Auckland at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!" "What? All of the people from South Auckland are gone?" asked God. "No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"	olwyn (8088)
681177	2008-06-26 06:39:00	The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,Arthur Davidson,died and went to heaven . At the gates, St . Peter told Arthur . 'Since you've been such a good man and your motor cycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hangout with anyone you want to in heaven . ' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hangout with God . ' St . Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room,and introduced him to God . God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, soyou were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me . . . . ' God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable,makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?' Arthur was apparently embarrassed,but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, ' Ah, yes . ' 'Well,'said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1 . There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2 . It chatters constantly at high speeds 3 . Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much 4 . The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust 5 . The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!! 'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on . ' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results . The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it . 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours' !!	Cicero (40)
681178	2008-06-26 22:41:00	What A Coincidence! A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating' 'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman. 'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.' 'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'	Cicero (40)
681179	2008-06-26 22:53:00	You will love this A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf . . . . . Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the Window of the biggest house adjacent to the course . The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go Up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us . " So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door . A warm Voice said, "Come on in . " When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was All over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side Near the broken Window . A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my Window?" "Uh…yeah, sir . We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied . "Oh, no apology is necessary . Actually I want to thank you . . . You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years . Now that you've Released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes . I'll give you each one Wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself . " "Wow, that's great!" the husband said . He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life . " "No problem," said the genie . "You've got it, it's the least I can do . And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the Genie asked . "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country In the world," she said . "Consider it done," the genie said . "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a Woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your Wife . " The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both Now have a fortune, and all those houses . What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right . Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about You, honey?" You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband . I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of The afternoon enjoying each other . The genie was insatiable . After about three hours of non-stop sex, the Genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old Are you and your Husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly . "No Kidding . " He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?" .	Cicero (40)
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