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Thread ID: 145615	2017-12-18 01:16:00	Monday laughs ... Fairytales of New York, a Dubai genii, and a dyslexic Nurse Nancy	WalOne (4202)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1443737	2017-12-18 01:16:00	8537 :eek: Caution some PG or NSFW content Here we are on the downhill slide to 2018 already . Christmas is only a few sleeps away, so if you’re not already in the mood here’s The Pogues to help you Fairytale of New York ( . youtube . com/watch?v=NrAwK9juhhY" target="_blank">www . youtube . com) +++++/////\\\\\+++++ 8538 Strange wording from The Telegraph in reviewing the latest in the Star Wars saga “The Last Jedi” […] thanks to Snoke’s fascistic First Order, led by the merciless General Hux who issues orders like “obliterate the fleet” with the look of a man who’s just found a rancid haddock in his pillow case . Just be thankful Smellovision hasn’t been invented . Yet . +++++/////\\\\\+++++ Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands . On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin . " "What?" said the puzzled groom . "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be . Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me . Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up . Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver . Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method . Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not . Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it . Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it . Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it . Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was . . . God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer . This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" +++++/////\\\\\+++++ Paraprosdokian time :) I sent away for a penis enlarger . They sent me back a magnifying glass . :groan: A bus station is where a bus stops . A train station is where a train stops . On my desk, I have a work station . ;) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip . :D A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it . :p If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? +++++/////\\\\\+++++ Two doctors at Auckland City were complaining about Nurse Nancy . "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor . "She does everything absolutely backwards . Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours . She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours . He damn near died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing . Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours . She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!" It was about then they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall . "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr . Smith's boil!" +++++/////\\\\\+++++ The head of sales of a large furniture store in Auckland arrived in Paris on a buying trip . As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady . However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn’t understand a word the other spoke . He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi . She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park . Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner . After dinner, he sketched two dancers and she was delighted . They went to several night-clubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening . It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed . He was impressed and took her back to his hotel . To this very day, he still doesn’t know how she guessed that he was a furniture salesman . +++++/////\\\\\+++++ She said he said She was watching him standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in his stomach . Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she said, "I don't think that's going to help . " "Sure it does," he said . "It's the only way I can see the numbers . " +++++/////\\\\\+++++ Signs You're Sick of the Holidays 8 . You've got red and green bags under your eyes 7 . You're serving reindeer pot pie 6 . When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!" 5 . You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun 4 . You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you . 3 . Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies 2 . You've got eggnog coming out of your ears 1 . Two words: tinsel rash +++++/////\\\\\+++++ Speaking of rashes A man exclaims to his doctor ''Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem . '' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis . The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area . ''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns only the day after . ''So what was that medication you gave me?'' ''Lipstick remover . '' :eek: +++++/////\\\\\+++++ Here’s a final blonde joke for the year, an anecdote worth repeating from Tony For those who missed it: “Back in the day when I was a computer operator for IBM we had a young woman in the tape library (remember them? - 2400' magnetic tapes - we had 5000 of them!) . One day she came into the computer room carrying some tapes and complained that "these are really heavy - they must have a lot of information on them!" We told her it was because the one bits were heavier than the zero bits, and she trotted off happy . ” Leaving you with this final classic Feliz Navidad ( . youtube . com/watch?v=ihW56Xa3XGQ" target="_blank">www . youtube . com) All the very bestest to you and yours	WalOne (4202)
1443738	2017-12-18 23:15:00	8545	B.M. (505)
1443739	2017-12-18 23:39:00	Some classic Aus humour HERE (www.facebook.com)	B.M. (505)
1443740	2017-12-19 00:54:00	The seven dwarves go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarves, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey Leads the pack. “Dopey, my son,” says the Pope, “what can I do for you?” Dopey asks, “Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?” The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, “No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.” In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back. “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?” The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, “No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.” This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?” “I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.” The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting... “Dopey screwed a penguin!”... “Dopey screwed a penguin!”...	tutaenui (1724)
1443741	2017-12-20 02:46:00	Here’s a final blonde joke for the year, an anecdote worth repeating from Tony For those who missed it: “Back in the day when I was a computer operator for IBM we had a young woman in the tape library (remember them? - 2400' magnetic tapes - we had 5000 of them!). One day she came into the computer room carrying some tapes and complained that "these are really heavy - they must have a lot of information on them!" We told her it was because the one bits were heavier than the zero bits, and she trotted off happy.” IIRC she was not actually blonde. She was short and about as wide as she was tall, and thought she knew everything. Mind you this in about 1970, so I could well be confusing her with someone else...	Tony (4941)
1443742	2017-12-20 19:52:00	IIRC she was not actually blonde. She was short and about as wide as she was tall, and thought she knew everything. Marketing licence, Tones, marketing ... Ask yourself, which would you rather read - a "blonde joke" or a "frumpy mobile pudding on legs" joke? Actually, the world is saturated with blonde jokes, maybe we could start a new fad. :lol:	WalOne (4202)
1443743	2017-12-20 20:32:00	Marketing licence, Tones, marketing ... Ask yourself, which would you rather read - a "blonde joke" or a "frumpy mobile pudding on legs" joke? Actually, the world is saturated with blonde jokes, maybe we could start a new fad. :lol: I understand why the usage, but at the risk of sounding totally uptight/overly PC/or whatever, I would actually prefer that those generalisations didn't happen at all. They aren't necessary to the humour and just reinforce the stereotypes that I would have hoped we were gradually getting away from. You'll notice I didn't use any stereotypes in my initial anecdote and I don't think it was less funny for it. Not a dig at you personally - just a general observation.	Tony (4941)
1443744	2017-12-20 21:17:00	Not a dig at you personally Tony, but this sort of thinking leads to cutting down trees so kids can't climb up them and having a chance of falling out of them and hurting themselves! Ken ;)	kenj (9738)
1443745	2017-12-20 23:04:00	Not a dig at you personally Tony, but this sort of thinking leads to cutting down trees so kids can't climb up them and having a chance of falling out of them and hurting themselves! Ken ;)Any sort of thinking can go in any sort of direction if you let it. I'm hoping that aiming to remove stereotypes that are unnecessary, hurtful to some people and not usually contributing anything positive to the discourse is something we can all support. The gap between that and what you are suggesting is pretty large. There will always be people who maybe with the best of intentions take things to extremes, but I am sure there is no one like that on this forum. :)	Tony (4941)
1443746	2017-12-20 23:25:00	Any sort of thinking can go in any sort of direction if you let it. I'm hoping that aiming to remove stereotypes that are unnecessary, hurtful to some people and not usually contributing anything positive to the discourse is something we can all support. The gap between that and what you are suggesting is pretty large. There will always be people who maybe with the best of intentions take things to extremes, but I am sure there is no one like that on this forum. :) How do you drown a blonde? Put a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool.	Greg (193)
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