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Thread ID: 91640	2008-07-14 01:28:00	Monday Laughs: ............another mixed bag	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
688650	2008-07-14 01:28:00	Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman but the old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two, then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade....." ******************************** USC Basketball Team Entrance Exam Math Questions NAME: ____________________ GANG NAME: ___________________ TAG: ____________________ HOOD: ____________________ 1). Terdell has an AK 47 with a 30 round magazine. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload? 2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold? 3). Delfonda pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Delfonda's $800 per day crack habit? 4). Leroy wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need? 5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900? 6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money? 7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free? 8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up? 9). Rico is a lookout for the gang. Rico has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Rico makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income? 10). Pedro steals Manuel's skateboard. As Pedro skates away at 35 mph, Manuel loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes him 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Pedro be when he gets whacked? ******************************** Bush Breakfast Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit... "And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" George W. Looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin,.... "How about a quickie this morning?" "Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton! As the waitress storms away Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...."It's pronounced, Quiche!" ******************************** A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you free." A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year." Cheers Billy 8-{) :) Sorry about the absence of Monday laughs last week, I had business commitments to meet.	Billy T (70)
688651	2008-07-14 01:43:00	The Browns were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family . On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr . Brown kissed his wife and said, "I'm off . The man should be here soon" . Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale . "Good morning madam . I've come to . . . . . " "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs . Brown cut in . "Come in . " "Really?" the photographer asked . "Well, good! My specialty is babies . " "That's what my husband and I had hoped . Please come in and have a seat . " After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" Photographer - "Leave everything to me . I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed . Sometimes the living room floor is fun too . . . . you can really spread out!" Wife - "Bathtub, couch, bed, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me . " Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time . But if we try sevral different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results . " Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . " Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time . I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure . " Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it . " The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures . "This was done on the top of a bus . " Wife - "Oh my god!!" Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with . " Wife - "She was difficult?" Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so . I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right . People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look . " Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes widened in amazement) . Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too . The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots . Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in . " Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your equipment?" Photographer - "That's right . Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work" Wife - "Tripod?? Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on . It's much too big for me to hold very long . Madam? . . . . . . Madam . . . . . ? Good Lord, she's fainted!!" :D	smithie 38 (6684)
688652	2008-07-14 01:55:00	A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"	johcar (6283)
688653	2008-07-14 05:02:00	hah nice one johcar	mejobloggs (264)
688654	2008-07-14 05:29:00	forums.pcworld.co.nz :)	jwil1 (65)
688655	2008-07-15 21:17:00	Wednesday Bonus A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday so she spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,"I'm 78 and my eyesight is going, but when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, "Oh what the hell, go ahead." The old man gently slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he lightly pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...So how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't," she says. The old man says "I was standing behind you in McDonald's." Cheers Billy 8-{) :clap	Billy T (70)
688656	2008-07-16 02:34:00	** FAMOUS LAST WORDS ** * I'll get a world record for this... * It's fireproof. * He's probably just hibernating. * What does this button do? * It's probably just a rash. * Are you sure the power is off? * Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? * The odds of that happening have to be a million to one! * Pull the pin and count to what? * Which wire was I supposed to cut? * I wonder where the mother bear is. * I've seen this done on TV. * These are the good kind of mushrooms. * I'll hold it and you light the fuse. * Let it down slowly. * Rat poison only kills rats. * It's strong enough for both of us. * This doesn't taste right. * I can make this light before it changes. * Nice doggie. * I can do that with my eyes closed. * I've done this before. * Well, we've made it this far. * That's odd. * You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you? * Don't be so superstitious. * Now watch this.	johcar (6283)
688657	2008-07-16 20:43:00	Thurs joke........ 'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust his wife, Discretion his daughter, Responsibility his son, Reason He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights I Want It Now Someone Else Is To Blame I'm A Victim	Cicero (40)
688658	2008-07-16 23:16:00	The sad thing is that that joke isn't funny. It's just true.	Thebananamonkey (7741)
688659	2008-07-17 11:27:00	Very true monkey . A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down . A lady cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open . ' Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled . Just as he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your fly is open . ' He zipped up and finished his shopping . At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his 'barracks door . ' He figured he would have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, 'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?' The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, 'No, no I didn't . All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags . '	Cicero (40)
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