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Thread ID: 91840	2008-07-20 10:46:00	Monday Laughs: ............More Seniors, A brace for religion, and one in-between....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
690585	2008-07-20 10:46:00	At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly lady and gentleman struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. So, since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when they came to a fork, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden she stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river so he again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes, so there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the same fork, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon the next fork and asked the lady, "Up or down ?" She replied, "Up." This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f*** or drown." ********************************** I've often been asked, "what do you old guys do now that you're retired?" Well, I have a friend who has a chemical engineering background, while I was big in process control for fluids, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer & scotch into urine. And, we're pretty damn good at it!! ********************************** The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the new Pope meet in Rome for the firt time. The Pope has a special phone on his desk. The Rabbi asks about the phone and the Pope replies "It's my direct line to God." The Rabbi is skeptical...and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, so indeed, he is connected to God. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much, now I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope refuses of course, but the Rabbi remains steadfast and finally the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "All right! The charges are 100,000 lira." The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to God. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel." The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?!" The Rabbi smiles: "Local call." ********************************** A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have your wife shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land, for $450." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $450?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
690586	2008-07-20 11:20:00	Getting a jump on Monday, Billy???? THE BEER PRAYER Our Lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drunk . Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, At home as in the tavern . Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us . And lead us not into incarceration, But Deliver us from hangovers . For thine is the beer, The bitter and the lager, For ever and ever Barmen . ********************** Are My Testicles Black? A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure . A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath . "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask . "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir . I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet . " He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers . She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around . Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much . That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely . . . Are - my - test - results - back?" ********************** Get Weighed On their first date, Dick picks her up and asks Jane what she'd like to do before their dinner . "Get weighed!" said Jane . Dick thinks this is weird, but takes her to the pharmacy and they get weighed . Afterwards Dick takes her off for the meal, obviously a little concious that she's obsessed with her weight, but she seems happy & bright enough and again afterwards Dick asks Jane what she'd like to do now . "Get weighed!" said Jane . Okay, thinks Dick . They head off again to the pharmacy and once again get weighed . Now by this time he thinks she is pretty weird . They go to a movie and afterwards Dick says, "I guess you want to get weighed now?" "Yes thank you", say's Jane, so again the pair head off to the pharmacy and get weighed . Dick drives Jane home, gives her a perfunctory kiss at the door and heads home thinking what a strange woman . Inside, Jane's flat mate asks if Jane had a good date . "No, it was wousy", says Jane . ********************** Jesus is Watching Over You A burglar broke into a house one night and began to explore it looking for valuables, he entered the living room and went to the stereo and started to disconnect it when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Friend, always know that Jesus is watching you . " The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze . "Who's there? Who's there?" He got no response so continued his work and after securing the stereo in his sack, flashed the light around the room and headed over to the TV to get the DVD player . Just then, he heard the voice again - "Friend, always remember that Jesus is watching over you . " Again the voice scared the living daylights out of him, this time he turn on the lights expecting to see the house's owner sitting there, but instead he saw a parrot . The burglar laughed out loud and asked the parrot "was that warning about Jesus you?" "Yes," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to remind you that Jesus is always watching over you . " "Okay, fine", said the burglar . "thanks for the tip . Now what's your name?" "Moses," replied the bird . "Moses?" the burglar laughed, "What kind of a idiot would have a parrot called Moses?" "The same kind of idiot that would have a Rottweiler called Jesus . " deadpanned the parrot . ********************** Dog Show Over the weekend I happened to catch a glimpse of some National Dog Show event as I flipped through the channels . The dog on the screen at the time was a white English sheepdog . It was simply a mound of fur with four legs . The judge was brushing back the dog's hair so she could look at the animal's eyes . The TV announcer was explaining that each dog has to have its eyes checked to make sure they're the right shape, color, etc . , etc . Another announcer chimed in with, "Well, plus the judge has to see if the dog HAS both of its eyes . 'Cuz if you start combing through hair and you only see ONE eye . . . you're looking at the wrong end of the dog . " ********************** The Golfer A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital . Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him . "I have some good news and some bad news . " "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh G-d, no!" cries the man . "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant" "Go for it doc" says the man . "As long as I can play golf again . " The operation went well and a year later, the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon . "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon . "Just great" says the business man . "I'm playing the best golf of my life . My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved . " "That's great . " said the surgeon . "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors . " "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success . I'm glad you weren't left with any side affects . " "Well, just one problem . ", said the golfer, "Every time I start getting horny, I also get a terrible headache!"	johcar (6283)
690587	2008-07-20 12:04:00	Jesus is Watching Over You A burglar broke into a house one night and began to explore it looking for valuables, he entered the living room and went to the stereo and started to disconnect it when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Friend, always know that Jesus is watching you . " The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze . "Who's there? Who's there?" He got no response so continued his work and after securing the stereo in his sack, flashed the light around the room and headed over to the TV to get the DVD player . Just then, he heard the voice again - "Friend, always remember that Jesus is watching over you . " Again the voice scared the living daylights out of him, this time he turn on the lights expecting to see the house's owner sitting there, but instead he saw a parrot . The burglar laughed out loud and asked the parrot "was that warning about Jesus you?" "Yes," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to remind you that Jesus is always watching over you . " "Okay, fine", said the burglar . "thanks for the tip . Now what's your name?" "Moses," replied the bird . "Moses?" the burglar laughed, "What kind of a idiot would have a parrot called Moses?" "The same kind of idiot that would have a Rottweiler called Jesus . " deadpanned the parrot . This is the best one :lol: :lol:	beeswax34 (63)
690588	2008-07-20 23:04:00	Q: What do you get when you cross a raccoon with a skunk? A: A dirty look from the raccoon .	pctek (84)
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