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Thread ID: 92676	2008-08-18 04:26:00	The REAL Monday Laughs: ............Some of us had work to do this morning.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
698334	2008-08-18 04:26:00	Husbands and Wives A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket then asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!" ******************************** A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps, he was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit,they passed in front of a large silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now! Tell HIM you have a headache." ******************************** While away on business a man met a beautiful young woman and as things developed he agreed to pay $500 to spend the night with her. They did their thing, and before he left he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way back to his office, he began to regret what he had done, realising that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note: Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - It had never been occupied; #2 - There was plenty of heat; and #3 - It was small enough to make me feel snug and cosy. However, I found out that :- #1 - It had been several previous tenants, #2 - There wasn't any heat, and #3 - It was much larger than I expected. Upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there was plenty of it, had you known how how to turn it on. #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady. !!!! ******************************** To be six again A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since he birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression! suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!" The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong. Story of my life!!!!! Cheers Billy 8-{) :confused: :(	Billy T (70)
698335	2008-08-18 06:32:00	I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising . I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors . I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour . But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over .	Cicero (40)
698336	2008-08-18 08:07:00	A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen . It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!" The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl, and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy . The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon . The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am . It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came . I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!" :D	smithie 38 (6684)
698337	2008-08-18 10:09:00	A wife filed a petition for a divorce on the grounds that her husband was careless about his appearance around the home . "How do you mean he's careless about his appearance?" Asked her lawyer . She replied, "I haven't seen him in two years . " First Guy: I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician . I found a multi meter under the bed . Second Guy: I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber . I found a pipe wrench under the bed . Third Guy: I think my wife is having an affair with a racehorse . I found a jockey under the bed . We share the work around our house - SWMBO cooks and I eat . Husband to marriage counselor: I try to make my marriage more exciting but my wife always finds out about it . Nothing makes a woman more furious than a man who doesn't realise she is . When we were first married we got along wonderfully, but as we left the church . . . . . . Wife to husband: We've been invited out to dinner . You have thirty minutes to shower, change and argue about it .	Roscoe (6288)
698338	2008-08-18 10:09:00	All the above jokes are excellent. Great to have a good laugh in this bad weather. Well done. :clap	royaloaks (8205)
698339	2008-08-19 09:05:00	The old prospector An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day . He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey . He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail . As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other . The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?' The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance . I just never wanted to . ' A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet . The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing . When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon . The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound . The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet . The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun . The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's a$$?' The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No . But I've always wanted to . ' The lessons from this story are: 1 . Don't waste ammunition . 2 . Don't mess with old people .	Cicero (40)
698340	2008-08-19 20:40:00	Games For The Elderly Sag, You're it Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. Kick the bucket Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. Doc Goose. Simon says something incoherent. Hide and go pee. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta Musical recliners.	johcar (6283)
698341	2008-08-19 21:41:00	Voted Best Joke in Ireland John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."	Cicero (40)
698342	2008-08-19 22:28:00	Wednesday Bonus: A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra . Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his Cockatiel eats all of them . Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off . Unfortunately for the bird, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the Cockatiel . He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird still alive but breathing heavily, dripping with sweat and totally exhausted . "What happened?" the man asks . "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but youre sweating like crazy?" The cockatiel pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?" Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
698343	2008-08-19 22:43:00	Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four 'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.'' You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. 'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Cal l your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!' 'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'	Marnie (4574)
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