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Thread ID: 145728	2018-01-15 00:35:00	Monday Laughs ... Male anatomy, Blonde Jokes, and Culture Corner: Sheeran and Bocelli	WalOne (4202)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1444818	2018-01-15 00:35:00	:) Hi PF1ers Welcome to Monday Laughs once more … (Some reader discretion is advised, some R16 and NSFW content) +++++////\\\\+++++ First up, a hospital joke … The patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.” He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?” Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.” The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: “Are – my – test – results – back?” +++++////\\\\+++++ 8641 +++++////\\\\+++++ Here’s our obligatory Blonde jokes … Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Helloooo? ............ Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helloooo? ..……… It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot. +++++////\\\\+++++ Q: How can you tell when a blonde’s been by your computer? A: There is cheese by the mouse. +++++////\\\\+++++ And to prove I’m no misogynist … Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands. +++++////\\\\+++++ Here's … little Johnny Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished." Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!" Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?" Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to be real nice and spend a couple of hours playing first!" +++++////\\\\+++++ Horticulture Time 8642 +++++////\\\\+++++ :eek: The beautiful eighteen-year-old widow sobbed hysterically at the funeral service of her seventy-five-year-old husband. She confided in a friend, "We had such a happy marriage for the three months it lasted. Every Sunday morning he would make love to me, keeping time with the rhythm of the church bells." She sobbed again, then added, "If that fire engine hadn't clanged by, he'd be alive today." +++++////\\\\+++++ :) A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!' The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?' +++++////\\\\+++++ :groan: “The copyright law is a statute of imitations.” +++++////\\\\+++++ :eek: A penguin takes his car to the shop to have it fixed. While he's waiting, he goes into a cool ice cream shop and eats ice cream. Having flippers instead hands, he gets the ice cream all over himself. He goes back to the auto shop and asks the mechanic what was wrong with his car. "Well," says the mechanic, "it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "It's just ice cream, I swear!!" +++++////\\\\+++++ A son calls his mother. “Mum how are you?”. Mum replies. “Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days”. Concerned, the son asks "What's the matter, are you not feeling well? Have you been to the doctor?" His mother replies, “Not that. I just didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called." +++++////\\\\+++++ Three blonde tourists were visiting Kawakawa in the far north. The blondes are walking down the main street when they see some tracks. The first blonde said, "I think they are dog tracks". The second blonde said, "I think they are cow tracks". The third one said, "I think they are Dodo bird tracks". What happened next? They all got hit by a train. +++++////\\\\+++++ Culture Corner … Ed Sheeran and Andrea Bocelli: Perfect Symphony Click HERE for Sheeran and Bocelli (www.youtube.com) +++++////\\\\+++++ Enough for this week. And please, if you know a good joke or two, please share it with us and post it! :banana :D:D	WalOne (4202)
1444819	2018-01-15 02:14:00	A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is another issue.' ************************************************** *************** FROM AN OLD JOKER TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.’ THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!’ 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' 'A WITCH!!! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW… TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!’	smithie 38 (6684)
1444820	2018-01-15 04:52:00	At this time of year I always think back to when I was very young. Not long after I started school I was given a hamster as a pet. I called him ‘Danny’ or ‘Dan’ as he became known. He was a wonderful pet for me, very affectionate and I loved seeing Dan as soon as I came home from school. One day I came home and Dan was very poorly. He carried on for a while but at five years old or more he was an old hamster. He passed away and I was very upset and my father buried him in the garden. As Dan died in the autumn my father suggested he plant some tulip bulbs above the little grave. A lovely idea. And so it was that every spring we would admire the tulip bulbs growing in the garden and we would all gather round and sing: “Tulips from hamster Dan”.	tutaenui (1724)
1444821	2018-01-15 05:47:00	THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW… TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER! :lol::lol: :groan: we would all gather round and sing: “Tulips from hamster Dan”. With respect to the dearly departed, :lol::lol: Cheers guys - thanks for contributing :D	WalOne (4202)
1444822	2018-01-17 07:13:00	A man was driving his new M5 BMW a little over the speed limit when he saw a patrol car draw up behind him. Without thinking it through, He planted his foot and left the police patrol car in his dust. It then dawned on him, they probably got my number, that was a dumb thing to do, so he slowed down and pulled over and stopped. The cop got out and said to the driver" i know you saw me, you were over the speed limit, so why did you make matters so much worse for yourself' The driver started to mutter an excuse, and the cop stopped him. "I have heard every excuse under the sun, so I'll make a deal with you- it is late Friday, I have had a long day, I am about to go off shift, and if you can give me an excuse I have never heard before, I will let you off" "Well it is like this officer, two months ago my wife ran off with a Policeman, she was the ultimate *****, she made my life a living hell, and I thought that you were trying to return her to me" The Police officer said, " Have a good evening sir", and got back in his car.	KenESmith (6287)
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