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Thread ID: 93012	2008-08-31 21:05:00	Monday Laughs: ..........Irish, Songs, Kids, Employees, Truth & Old Farts	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
701677	2008-08-31 21:05:00	Mick appeared on the Irish version of 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' and was nearly at the end of the quiz with winnings of £500,000 . 'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, 'and to win the £1 million, you've only got to answer one last question . Everything is riding on this question . . . . will you have a go? Remember you still have one lifeline left - phone a friend . ' 'Sure an' all,' said Mick . 'I'll have a go!' 'OK . The question is: Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?' (a) Robin (b) Sparrow (c) Cuckoo or (d) Thrush . ' 'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon . He don't know much about birds but he's me last hope . Ths host called up his mate, told him the circumstances and Mick repeated the question to him . 'Soddin' hell, Mick!' cried Paddy . 'Dat's simple . . . . . . it's a Cuckoo . ' 'Are you sure, Paddy?' asked Mick . 'I'm soddin sure Mick . ' Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with da Cuckoo as my answer . ' 'Is that your final answer? Lock it in?' asked the host . 'Dat it is, Sir . Lock it in . . ' There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won £1 million!' The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink . . 'Tell me, Paddy - how in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean, you know booger-all about birds . ' 'Ah bejaysus!' laughed Paddy . 'Everybody knows a soddin' Cuckoo lives in a clock!' **************************************** Elvis Has Left The Building . . . . . Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers . They include: Herman's Hermits --- Mrs . Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker . Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends . The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip . Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash . Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face . Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now . Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom . Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts . Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Frail . Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping . The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone . Abba --- Denture Queen . Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall . Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again And my favorite: Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore . **************************************** REAL LIFE RESUMES These were taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters, and were printed in "Fortune" Magazine: 1 . "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6 . 0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms . " 2 . "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details . " 3 . "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year . " 4 . "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions . " 5 . "Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave . " 6 . "Failed Bar exam with relatively high grades . " 7 . "It's best for employers that I not work with people . " 8 . "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience . " 9 . "I was working for my mom until she decided to move . " 10 . "Marital status: Single . Unmarried . Unengaged . Uninvolved . No commitments . " 11 . "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse . " 12 . "I am loyal to my employer at all costs . . . Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail . " 13 . "My goal is to be a Meteorologist . But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try Stock Brokerage . " 14 . "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant . " 15 . "Personal interests: Donating blood . Fourteen gallons so far . " 16 . "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore . " 17 . "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping' . I have never quit a job . " 18 . "Marital status: often . Children: various . " 19 . "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers . " 20 . "Finished eighth in class of ten . " 21 . "References: None . I've left a path of destruction behind me . " **************************************** This is why you must always tell the truth: A 9 year-old asked her mother the age-old question,"How did I get here?" Her mother told her, "God sent you . " "Did God send you, too?" asked the child . "Yes, Dear," the mother replied . "What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted . "He sent them also," the mother said . "Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child . "Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently . "So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?" "No wonder everyone's so damn cranky around here . " **************************************** WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds) Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own . They like other people's . A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady! Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them . They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run . It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money . When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars . They show us and talk to us about the colour of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks . " They don't say, "Hurry up . " Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes . They wear glasses and funny underwear . They can take their teeth and gums out . Grandparents don't have to be smart . They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?" . When they read to us, they don't skip . They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again . Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us . They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad . A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived . "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her . Then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport . " Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him! It's funny, when they bend over you hear bottom noises and they blame the smell on their dog . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
701678	2008-08-31 21:22:00	Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things . One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful . This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down . " The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up! The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table . Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"	johcar (6283)
701679	2008-08-31 22:14:00	What do you have if you have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other hand? The undivided attention of a leprechaun. How do you confuse an Irishman? Put two shovels in a corner and ask him to take his pick. What do you call an Irishman under a wheelbarrow? A mechanic.	Roscoe (6288)
701680	2008-08-31 23:59:00	How is it that we know Christ was Irish? Well, he was 33, still lived at home with his Mother, whom he thought was still a virgin and she thought he was the son of God . -------------------------------------------------- The rich American couldn't undertand why the Irish angler was lying lazily beside his boat on the beach, smoking a pipe . "Why aren't you out fishing?" asked the American . "Because I have caught enough fish for the day," said the fisherman . "Why don't you catch some more?" "What would I do with them?" "You could sell them and make more money," was the American's reply . "With that you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more fish . Then you would make enough to buy nets . These would bring you more fish and more money . Soon you would have enough money to own two boats . . . maybe even a fleet of boats . Then you would be a rich man like me . " "What would I do then?" asked the fisherman . "Then you could really enjoy life . " said the American . "And what do you suppose I might be doing right now?" said the Irishman, smiling and puffing away on his pipe .	pctek (84)
701681	2008-09-01 00:47:00	Nicolas Sarkozy, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings . "Hallo, Mr . Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said . "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub . That makes eight!" Sarkozy paused . "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command . " "Begoora!" says Paddy . "I'll have to ring you back . " Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again . "Mr . Sarkozy, the war is still on . We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks . "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor . " Sarkozy sighs amused . "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers . Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke . " "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy . "I'll have to get back to you . " Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day . "Mr . Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!" Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat . "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes . My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites . And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back . " Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day . "Top o' the mornin', Mr . Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war . " "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy . "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no f**kin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners . "	smithie 38 (6684)
701682	2008-11-05 19:07:00	are u guys pals or something :confused: how are u able to post repliess for some blunt msges:wub	adlabs (14138)
701683	2008-11-05 19:31:00	They're neighbors and share the same WiFi connection.	SurferJoe46 (51)
701684	2008-11-06 17:52:00	An Australian is drinking in a New Zealand bar when his mobile rings . He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the whole bar announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy . Nobody can believe the weight but the Australian just shrugs and says, 'We make 'em big back home folks . My boy's a typical Australian . Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of 'WOW' are heard . One woman even faints due to sympathy pains . Two weeks later the Australian returns to the same bar . Barman says 'We were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as to how much your 12kg son weighs, so how much does he weigh now?' The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's . The barman is puzzled and concerned and asks 'What happened, he already weighed 12kg on the day he was born' . The Australian father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his singlet, leans proudly over to the bartender and says: 'Had him circumcised' .	Cicero (40)
701685	2008-11-06 17:54:00	www.nobodyhere.com:80	Cicero (40)
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