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Thread ID: 93205	2008-09-07 21:41:00	Monday Laughs: ............British Humour, and plenty of it!!	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
703353	2008-09-07 21:41:00	FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS 1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year . It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house . " (The Daily Telegraph) 2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description . It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like . (The Guardian) 3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster . A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common" . (The Times) 4) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed . He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge . However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff . (Aberdeen Evening Express) 5) Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden . He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled . "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out Heil Hitler" . (Bournemouth Evening Echo) ***************************** A list of announcements that London Tube train drivers are alleged to have made to their passengers . . 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service . I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction . " 2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside . I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any . " 3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time . The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and Easy Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination . " 4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria Station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together . All together now . . . Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall . . . " 5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street . As you can see, Baker Street is closed . It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that . " 6) "Beggars are operating on this train . Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars . If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity . Failing that, give it to me . " 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen . Unfortunately towels are not provided . " 8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" ( . . pause) . "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home . " 9) "Please allow the doors to close . Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open . ' The two are distinct and separate instructions . " 10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that they are about to close . It does not mean throw yourself or your bags in between them . " 11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door . " 12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand . " 13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors . " ( . . . . pause) . "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors . " ( . . . . pause) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!" 14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground . However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage . " ***************************** Bonus Jokes for wading through all that pommy stuff: A man boarded a plane with six kids . After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No . I work for a condom company . These are customer complaints that I'm taking back to the factory . " GREAT NEWS! I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch . Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought it would be a very cheap night out for you! Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
703354	2008-09-07 21:57:00	Mole Family A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together In a little mole hole . One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Yum! I smell maple syrup!' The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!' Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way . This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is . . . . MOLEASSES! :D :banana	nofam (9009)
703355	2008-09-07 22:08:00	We had a robbery in our county a day or so ago . The robber was in a wheelchair and he got caught stealing condoms and energy bars . He was arrested for attempting to hit the storekeeper with a small bat, but as he couldn't get his swing above the counter and the clerk was never really struck, the police just charged him with attempted assault . Now . . . why would they arrest a guy stuck in a wheelchair attempting to steal condoms and energy bars? Don't they have any human respect? They should charge him an Attempted Achievement .	SurferJoe46 (51)
703356	2008-09-07 22:51:00	[Adapted from the memory (poor) of a joke Leighton Smith told on the air last week] Little Jimmy (aged 7) lived with his parents in a council flat in South London. It was a very small flat (with a balcony) and there was very little opportunity for his parents to be 'intimate'. So they worked out a plan. Every time they wanted sex, they would give little Jimmy a strawberry ice-block and send him out onto the balcony and get him to give a running commentary on the goings-on around the community (based on his view from the balcony). This gave them time to do the deed, and his commentary allowed them to know he was not going to interrupt them. This worked very well for the first 6 weeks or so. One day, Dad gave Jimmy his ice-block and sent him onto the balcony. Mum and Dad disappeared into the bedroom and started their 'exercises'. Voice from the balcony: "I can see a blue car getting towed from the carpark..." "Freddy Trimble has got a new bike..." "The police just went past chasing a red car..." "Mr Smith is having an argument with Mr Jones..." "Mrs Peters is bringing home her shopping and climbing up the stairs, 'cos the lift is still broken..." "Mr and Mrs Bowerman are having sex..." At that last comment, Mum and Dad instantly stop what they are doing. "WHAT did you say??" asked Dad "Mr and Mrs Bowerman are having sex." answered little Jimmy "How do you know that?" asked Dad Jimmy answered: "Because Johnny Bowerman is sitting out on the balcony with an ice-block"	johcar (6283)
703357	2008-09-07 22:55:00	From Westminster: In calling The Speaker the biggest scoundrel in the village, he had forgotten himself for a moment. An Ad in The Times: Wanted, person for human cannonball act. Good opportunities for person of the right calibre. Sign on Lloyd's bank: Try our honeymoon plan: A loan at last. London City Council Dog Registration Fees: Female £4, Male £2, sterilised £2, pensioners half price. An elephant died at London Zoo. The BBC six o'clock news interviewed the keeper who was in tears. "You must have loved that elephant," said the interviewer. He replied, "Hell no, I have to bury the bloody thing." Scotland Yard is looking for a very small man with one eye. If he's that small you'd think they'd use both eyes.	Roscoe (6288)
703358	2008-09-08 00:10:00	Hot off the press . . . . I just had to add this one: Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party . After several drinks, one of the men left his friends to go use the rest room . Those who remained talked about their kids . The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy . He started working at the bottom of the barrel in a successful company . He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the President of the company . He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday . ' The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy . He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday . ' The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer . Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire . He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion . ' The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons . . . . What about your son?' The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub . ' The three friends said: 'What a shame . . . what a disappointment . ' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed . He's my son and I love him . And he hasn't done too bad either . His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends . Cheers Billy 8-{) :banana	Billy T (70)
703359	2008-09-08 00:52:00	Hot off the press . . . . I just had to add this one: Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party . After several drinks, one of the men left his friends to go use the rest room . Those who remained talked about their kids . The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy . He started working at the bottom of the barrel in a successful company . He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the President of the company . He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday . ' The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy . He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday . ' The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer . Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire . He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion . ' The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons . . . . What about your son?' The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub . ' The three friends said: 'What a shame . . . what a disappointment . ' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed . He's my son and I love him . And he hasn't done too bad either . His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends . Cheers Billy 8-{) :banana Oh man . . . . . :lol:	qazwsxokmijn (102)
703360	2008-09-08 04:31:00	They keep on coming today......... A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mummy', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet, dear' she replied. Cheers Billy 8-{) :clap	Billy T (70)
703361	2008-09-08 10:47:00	Dear techinical support, 18 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble, However there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Succesive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware programme, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2008. Shortly after this upgrade however I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and expensive to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also had an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-Mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These later products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and HairstyleExpress which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Porsch Convertable hard drive, it often crashes. Wife1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I have been tempted to install Mistress2008, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress2008, it tends to delete MS Money before uninstalling itself.	lakewoodlady (103)
703362	2008-09-08 10:58:00	Ha ha lakewoodlady, very funny	zqwerty (97)
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